After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
(And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!)
*****
Henry
Recycling
In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
*****
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
*****
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dummy."
*****
Henry
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dummy."
*****
Henry
*****
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes!"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes!!"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes!!"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
*****
Henry
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes!"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes!!"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes!!"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
*****
Henry
Seen on "T" Shirts
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
*****
Henry
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
*****
Henry
Some Of The Worst News Headlines
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
[Just how big was that violin?]
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
[So who's gonna take his confession?]
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
[So what are girl scout cookies made of?]
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
[Is that the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?]
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[De plane! De plane!]
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
[Hope they didn't have to go out on a limb to find it!]
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
[No wonder those lines sometimes go so slow!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[At least until they get hold of some duct tape!]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[The situation sounds grave!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[So what are girl scout cookies made of? (Can I help it if that line fit two of them?)]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Sounds like a tall order!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[Shocking!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
[Then the negotiators better give it 110%, to avoid that outcome!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[That's probably just a matter of degree.]
*****
Henry
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
[Just how big was that violin?]
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
[So who's gonna take his confession?]
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
[So what are girl scout cookies made of?]
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
[Is that the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?]
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[De plane! De plane!]
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
[Hope they didn't have to go out on a limb to find it!]
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
[No wonder those lines sometimes go so slow!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[At least until they get hold of some duct tape!]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[The situation sounds grave!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[So what are girl scout cookies made of? (Can I help it if that line fit two of them?)]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Sounds like a tall order!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[Shocking!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
[Then the negotiators better give it 110%, to avoid that outcome!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[That's probably just a matter of degree.]
*****
Henry
MILITARY WISDOM
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*****
Henry
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*****
Henry
Re: Recycling
Good advice.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
And, it seemed to fit the time of year!
Jewish Buddhism (part 1 of 2)
*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*****
Henry
*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*****
Henry
Jewish Buddhism (part 2 of 2)
*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
*****
Henry
*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
*****
Henry
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Kin Hubbard
*****
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
*****
Henry
Kin Hubbard
*****
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
*****
Henry
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Indian Proverb
*****
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
*****
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
*****
Henry
Indian Proverb
*****
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
*****
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
*****
Henry