Recycling

[lswot]

always an answer........

[Henry J]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

(Cause the worms will move to a better neighborhood, I guess? )

===========

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's! just sa y I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT : Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It! comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

--------------------
Bob Bainbridge

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

from blogger:

These cracked me up.Had to share them.

These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
And cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
Table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
Taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
Of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
An eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
Thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
Minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
Breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

================================

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Douglas Adams Trinkets

----------
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. "

----------
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

----------
"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

----------
"And wow! Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding word like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name - ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?"

----------
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"

----------

Henry

[Henry J]

Douglas Adams Trinkets, continued

----------
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."

"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."

----------
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."

----------
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

----------
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."

----------

[Henry J]

Douglas Adams Trinkets, part 42

----------
"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'" ....

`We're safe,' he said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,' said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.'

----------
"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"

----------
"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't listen.'"

----------
"...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."

----------

Henry

[Henry J]

--------------

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleading.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers,"I would do...**anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you study???"

--------------

Henry

[Henry J]

"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

--------------

Henry

[Henry J]

----------
Don't forget to exercise...

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is.

2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) Don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of the glass.
***************

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

*************
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
*************
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
*************
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
*************
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
*************
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
*************
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
*************
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
*************

Beer bad. --Xander Harris, while he was working as a bartender.

Henry