This is the story of what really went on when God tried to communicate to Moses how he created the earth and all things, great and small. It explains why it was not possible to give much detail that would be interesting to modern scientists but would give the general idea to people who lived at the time of Moses. The conversation went something like this:
God: 4.5 billion years ago I formed earth from a swirling mass.....
Moses: What's a billion?
God: It is a thousand million.
Moses: What's a million?
God: Never mind. On the first day I created heaven and earth. Then I brought forth molecules of ribonucleic acids which were self replicating and had enzymatic activity. These formed and began producing copies of themselves. Due to the enzymatic activity they began to link amino acids in chains of polypeptide. Moses? MOSES! Are you getting this?
Moses: Sorry God. I must have dozed off. What's a ribonuk asad? And why did it have enemy act-ivity?
God: Never mind. And I said let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit trees yielding fruit after its kind... Moses, shall I tell you of deme size, genetic drift and founder effects?
Moses: Maybe not. You know us Hebrews. We had a difficult enough time with those command-ments you gave us.
God: You're right. Maybe not. So the earth did bring forth grass and herb yielding seed after its kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after its kind; and I saw that it was good.
Recycling
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have over looked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you."
"Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?
=============
Henry
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have over looked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you."
"Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?
=============
Henry
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Freaking Talent."
*****
Henry
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Freaking Talent."
*****
Henry
**************
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old.
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old.
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old.
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old.
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old.
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old.
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old.
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old.
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old.
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old.
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old.
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old.
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old.
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old.
Roger Stegman
**************
Henry
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old.
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old.
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old.
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old.
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old.
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old.
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old.
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old.
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old.
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old.
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old.
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old.
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old.
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old.
Roger Stegman
**************
Henry
Police Jokes
The police officer: "You were exceeding the speed limit, ma'am, weren't you?"
The driver: "Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident."
==================
The Rector--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath."
The Man-- "Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
(Well, shazbot! Er, frak! Oh my stars! Er, Shazam! Good grief! Oh sweet nibblets! )
==================
Henry
The police officer: "You were exceeding the speed limit, ma'am, weren't you?"
The driver: "Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident."
==================
The Rector--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath."
The Man-- "Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
(Well, shazbot! Er, frak! Oh my stars! Er, Shazam! Good grief! Oh sweet nibblets! )
==================
Henry
==================
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifests:
You decide to water your garden. As you turn on the hose in the driveway, you look over at your car and decide your car needs washing.
As you start toward the garage, you notice that there is mail on the porch table that you brought up from the mail box earlier. You decide to go through the mail before you wash the car.
You lay your car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, you decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then you think, since you are going to be near the mailbox when you take out the garbage anyway, you may as well pay the bills first.
You take your check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. Your extra checks are in your desk in the study, so you go inside the house to your desk where you find the can of Coke that you had been drinking.
You are going to look for your checks, but first you need to push the Coke aside so that you don't accidentally knock it over. You realize the Coke is getting warm, and you decide you should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches your eye -- they need to be watered. You set the Coke down on the counter, and you discover your reading glasses that you've been searching for all morning.
You decide you better put them back on your desk, but first you are going to water the flowers.
You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly you spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers.
You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in your check book,
You can't find the remote,
You can't find your glasses,
and you don't remember what you did with the car keys.
Then when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, You're really baffled because you know you were busy all day long, and you are really tired. You realize this is a serious problem, and you'll try to get some help for it, but first you'll check your e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
==================
That reminds me of the one about believing in the hereafter. Now if I could just remember how it goes...
What was I talking about again?
==================
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifests:
You decide to water your garden. As you turn on the hose in the driveway, you look over at your car and decide your car needs washing.
As you start toward the garage, you notice that there is mail on the porch table that you brought up from the mail box earlier. You decide to go through the mail before you wash the car.
You lay your car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, you decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then you think, since you are going to be near the mailbox when you take out the garbage anyway, you may as well pay the bills first.
You take your check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. Your extra checks are in your desk in the study, so you go inside the house to your desk where you find the can of Coke that you had been drinking.
You are going to look for your checks, but first you need to push the Coke aside so that you don't accidentally knock it over. You realize the Coke is getting warm, and you decide you should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches your eye -- they need to be watered. You set the Coke down on the counter, and you discover your reading glasses that you've been searching for all morning.
You decide you better put them back on your desk, but first you are going to water the flowers.
You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly you spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers.
You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in your check book,
You can't find the remote,
You can't find your glasses,
and you don't remember what you did with the car keys.
Then when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, You're really baffled because you know you were busy all day long, and you are really tired. You realize this is a serious problem, and you'll try to get some help for it, but first you'll check your e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
==================
That reminds me of the one about believing in the hereafter. Now if I could just remember how it goes...
What was I talking about again?
==================
==================
Hang-Gliding
In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba wanted to give it a try. He saved his money and bought a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 'bout the good 'ol days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
(It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... Bubba.)
==================
Henry
Hang-Gliding
In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba wanted to give it a try. He saved his money and bought a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 'bout the good 'ol days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
(It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... Bubba.)
==================
Henry
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Subject: GOD VS DEVIL
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
======================
Henry
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
======================
Henry
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
But that's what you said last time!lswot wrote:
Re: Recycling
I know.....but you're just shocking.Henry J wrote:But that's what you said last time!lswot wrote:
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
Yeah, but that's what insulation is for.