Recycling

[Henry J]

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Animal Jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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Henry

[lswot]

small chuckle

[Henry J]

Erma Bombeck:

"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

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Henry

[lswot]

Bigger chuckle

[Henry J]

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"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."

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Henry

[Henry J]

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"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."

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Henry

[lswot]

head shaking.......

[Henry J]

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Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?

A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!

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Eschew obfuscation!

Eliminate unnecessary superfluous redundancies!

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[lswot]

[Henry J]

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Police Jokes

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."
"Which one?" asked the operator.
"The one that was robbed."

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Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
(And child proof!)

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
(And other wild critters, too!)

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
(Yeah, plowing through a stump could leave you... stumped!)

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
(That's the buzz, all right.)

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
(Depends on how much wax is in there, though.)

Henry

[Henry J]

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
(Yeah, it takes practice!)

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
(Absotively!)

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
(Especially if it's a honey badger!)

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
(They don't weigh much, huh?)

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
(At least not without a Delorean with a flux capacitor!)

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Henry

[Henry J]

* Every path has a few puddles.
(These boots are made for walking?)

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
(OINK!)

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
(But who wants to be a role model?)

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
(What about Murphy's law?)

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
(Or their relatives by them!)

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Henry

[Henry J]

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
(No comment!)

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
(On the other hand, a clear conscious is a sign of a bad memory!)

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
(Or in other words, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!)

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
(That's a precipitous thought!)

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
(Except while playing golf?)

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Henry