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GEORGE CARLINISMS
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-a$$?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Henry
Recycling
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Educational Jokes
A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
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Henry
Educational Jokes
A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
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Henry
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When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." --Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde
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Henry
When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." --Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde
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Henry
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When Tonto needs money, does he go to the Loan Arranger?
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Idiots Jokes
"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.
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Farmer Jokes
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
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Why can't photons be Catholic?
Because they don't have Mass.
Henry
When Tonto needs money, does he go to the Loan Arranger?
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Idiots Jokes
"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.
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Farmer Jokes
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
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Why can't photons be Catholic?
Because they don't have Mass.
Henry
HenrySubject: Angels
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Do you know what the email said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You didn't get one either, huh?
Educational Jokes
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
Henry
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
Henry
The action movie had a spectacular scene where the bad guy blew up a convenience store. The building and the gas pumps in front were engulfed in a huge ball of fire. "Wow!" my husband gasped.
I was about to say, "That was a pretty impressive explosion," when he continued, "Did you see the price of regular? A dollar eighty-nine a gallon."
Henry
I was about to say, "That was a pretty impressive explosion," when he continued, "Did you see the price of regular? A dollar eighty-nine a gallon."
Henry
Now then Ladies and Germs... Mister Henny Youngman!
*Take my wife — please!
*My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
*My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
*My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This has been a paid political announcement.
*Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack an unarmed opponent.
*I like you — I have no taste — but I like you.
*I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.
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Male Jokes
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
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Henry
*Take my wife — please!
*My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
*My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
*My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This has been a paid political announcement.
*Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack an unarmed opponent.
*I like you — I have no taste — but I like you.
*I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.
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Male Jokes
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
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Henry
Subject: How to stay married
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said,
"that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Henry
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said,
"that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Henry
To anybody who observes it, happy Rosh Hashanah!
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at.
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Nurse walks into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, we got a man out there who claims to be invisible."
Doc says,
"Well, you might as well send him home. I can't see him."
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Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation!
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Procrastinate NOW!
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Henry
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at.
=================================
Nurse walks into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, we got a man out there who claims to be invisible."
Doc says,
"Well, you might as well send him home. I can't see him."
=================================
Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation!
=================================
Procrastinate NOW!
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Henry
HenryLawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too . He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."