An Oldie
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
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Roger Stegman
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Henry
Recycling
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One day a young Rabbi decided to take a walk in the enchanted forest of the Trids, which he did from time to time as the Trids were kind and friendly people as was the Rabbi and they would laugh and play among the trees.
But on this particular day the Rabbi couldn't find any of his Trid friends out and about the woods and this confused and worried him for Trids were normally quite eager to play and laugh with them in the forest - they being kind and friendly people. So he walked over to the Trid village and began knocking on doors, peering in windows, and looking under rocks until finally he found his particular friend Geoff. "Geoff," asked the Rabbi, "Where are all of the Trids today?"
Geoff answered, "We're hiding Rabbi. The giant from the hills has stomped into the forest and if he spots any of us he'll pick us up and kick us into the next forest."
Now the Rabbi had never heard of such a thing but as Trids had never lied to him in the past and since he did hear a stomping noise in the distance he quickly looked for a place to hide. Which wasn't easy as The Rabbi was a good two hands taller than the tallest Trid and most of the hiding places in town were decidedly Trid sized.
And so the Rabbi wound up cowering behind a Lilac bush (the best cover he could find) as the giant came stomping into town occasionally pushing aside a tree or a rock or a tiny trid cottage to pick up a Trid and punt it into the next forest. Slowly the giant made it's way closer and closer to the Rabbi cowering behind the lilac bush.
But all of his hiding was to no avail as the giant could plainly see the Rabbi behind the bush and the giant walked over to the Rabbi and said, "Hello, young Rabbi. What are you doing in the forest of the Trids today."
The Rabbi, rather startled at the civility of the question, answered, "Taking a walk to see my friends the Trids which you are busily launching into the next forest with your foot. By the way why haven't you picked me up and kick me away yet like you have the others?"
The giant laughed and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Roger Stegman
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Henry
One day a young Rabbi decided to take a walk in the enchanted forest of the Trids, which he did from time to time as the Trids were kind and friendly people as was the Rabbi and they would laugh and play among the trees.
But on this particular day the Rabbi couldn't find any of his Trid friends out and about the woods and this confused and worried him for Trids were normally quite eager to play and laugh with them in the forest - they being kind and friendly people. So he walked over to the Trid village and began knocking on doors, peering in windows, and looking under rocks until finally he found his particular friend Geoff. "Geoff," asked the Rabbi, "Where are all of the Trids today?"
Geoff answered, "We're hiding Rabbi. The giant from the hills has stomped into the forest and if he spots any of us he'll pick us up and kick us into the next forest."
Now the Rabbi had never heard of such a thing but as Trids had never lied to him in the past and since he did hear a stomping noise in the distance he quickly looked for a place to hide. Which wasn't easy as The Rabbi was a good two hands taller than the tallest Trid and most of the hiding places in town were decidedly Trid sized.
And so the Rabbi wound up cowering behind a Lilac bush (the best cover he could find) as the giant came stomping into town occasionally pushing aside a tree or a rock or a tiny trid cottage to pick up a Trid and punt it into the next forest. Slowly the giant made it's way closer and closer to the Rabbi cowering behind the lilac bush.
But all of his hiding was to no avail as the giant could plainly see the Rabbi behind the bush and the giant walked over to the Rabbi and said, "Hello, young Rabbi. What are you doing in the forest of the Trids today."
The Rabbi, rather startled at the civility of the question, answered, "Taking a walk to see my friends the Trids which you are busily launching into the next forest with your foot. By the way why haven't you picked me up and kick me away yet like you have the others?"
The giant laughed and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Roger Stegman
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Henry
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was! better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the ot her half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
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.
.
.
.
.
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
-
Roger Stegman
====================================================
Henry
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was! better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the ot her half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
-
Roger Stegman
====================================================
Henry
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Subject: HAPPY MARRIAGE
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The Secret to a LONG, HAPPY MARRIAGE: (as told to me.)
My wife and I are going to celebrating our 50th anniversary next year. Pastor Dave asked me to take a few minutes and share some insight into how I managed to live with the same woman all these years.
So I told him that I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
Pastor Dave inquired, "...trips to where?
"For our 1st anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
Pastor then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Dom. Please tell me what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
"I'm going to Beijing to get her."
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Henry
Subject: HAPPY MARRIAGE
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The Secret to a LONG, HAPPY MARRIAGE: (as told to me.)
My wife and I are going to celebrating our 50th anniversary next year. Pastor Dave asked me to take a few minutes and share some insight into how I managed to live with the same woman all these years.
So I told him that I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
Pastor Dave inquired, "...trips to where?
"For our 1st anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
Pastor then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Dom. Please tell me what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
"I'm going to Beijing to get her."
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Henry
TWO OLD TIMERS
Two elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up, but Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
After Wally hadn't shown up at the park for a week Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said,
"For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
Yeah" said MAX, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape.
I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury!
Two elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up, but Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
After Wally hadn't shown up at the park for a week Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said,
"For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
Yeah" said MAX, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape.
I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury!
There was a Jewish Rabbi, an Irish Priest and a Baptist Preacher in a boat fishing.
They got thirsty so the Baptist Preacher volunteered to go get some cold beer. He stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bait shack and back with the drinks.
Later they got hungry so the Irish Priest volunteered to go get sandwiches.
He stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bait shack and brought back some sandwiches.
Later they needed more bait. The Jewish Rabbi volunteered to go get some.
He stepped out of the boat and sank.
The Irish Priest looked at the Baptist Preacher and said "Do you think we should have told him where the pilings are?"
Badda Boom.
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Henry
They got thirsty so the Baptist Preacher volunteered to go get some cold beer. He stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bait shack and back with the drinks.
Later they got hungry so the Irish Priest volunteered to go get sandwiches.
He stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bait shack and brought back some sandwiches.
Later they needed more bait. The Jewish Rabbi volunteered to go get some.
He stepped out of the boat and sank.
The Irish Priest looked at the Baptist Preacher and said "Do you think we should have told him where the pilings are?"
Badda Boom.
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Henry
Bar & Drinking Jokes
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Charles
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Henry
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Charles
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Henry
Old, but good Irish jokes
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Roger Stegman
=============================
Henry
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Roger Stegman
=============================
Henry
A Fish Tale
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Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day long an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he see a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he git bit.
He snuk up behine dat snake and grab him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux hada real good grip on his haid. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf op en and got de frog and put it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good . . . . . . so he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pull out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops in de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs dey roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he go back to fish'n. A while later, Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He s l o w l y look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin . . . . . . . . . wif two more frogs.
_________________
Roger Stegman
=================
Henry
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Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day long an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he see a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he git bit.
He snuk up behine dat snake and grab him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux hada real good grip on his haid. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf op en and got de frog and put it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good . . . . . . so he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pull out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops in de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs dey roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he go back to fish'n. A while later, Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He s l o w l y look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin . . . . . . . . . wif two more frogs.
_________________
Roger Stegman
=================
Henry
Bubba and the Catholics Rated- PG
Bubba had just moved into a new neighborhood, not knowing it was predominately Catholic. Bubba also had a Friday Ritual, he would go out on the Patio and grill a big Venison Steak. the aroma would waft through the neighborhood, driving the Catholics crazy. See, it was Lent and they couldn't eat meat on Friday.
After several Fridays of this torture, they went en-mass to see their Pastor, Father Montanez. After listening to their plight he decided the best plan would be to convert Bubba. So, after talking to Bubba and several weeks of Catechism classes, Bubba was Baptized. Father Montanez spinkled Holy-water on his head and chanted," You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. you are now a Catholic."
Two Fridays later that familar aroma wafted through the neighborhood and everybody headed for Bubba's house. As they turned the corner to his patio they saw him, sprinkling holy-water on the steak and chanting," You wuz borned a Deer, you wuz raised a Deer, you is now a Catfish!"
_________________
Henry
Bubba had just moved into a new neighborhood, not knowing it was predominately Catholic. Bubba also had a Friday Ritual, he would go out on the Patio and grill a big Venison Steak. the aroma would waft through the neighborhood, driving the Catholics crazy. See, it was Lent and they couldn't eat meat on Friday.
After several Fridays of this torture, they went en-mass to see their Pastor, Father Montanez. After listening to their plight he decided the best plan would be to convert Bubba. So, after talking to Bubba and several weeks of Catechism classes, Bubba was Baptized. Father Montanez spinkled Holy-water on his head and chanted," You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. you are now a Catholic."
Two Fridays later that familar aroma wafted through the neighborhood and everybody headed for Bubba's house. As they turned the corner to his patio they saw him, sprinkling holy-water on the steak and chanting," You wuz borned a Deer, you wuz raised a Deer, you is now a Catfish!"
_________________
Henry
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.
===========================
Henry
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.
===========================
Henry
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
Henry
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
Henry