The saddest words of tongue or pen
May be perhaps, "It might have been,"
The sweetest word we know, by heck,
Are only these "Enclosed find check!"
Recycling
Just Ask Newton
MEDICAL STUDENT: Professor, why do we have to study physics? It has nothing to do with our profession.
Professor: Because it saves lives.
Student: How on earth can a physics course save lives?
Professor: It prevents idiots from graduating.
===========================================================
Wisdom of a Child
LITTLE SUSIE complained to her mother that she had a stomachache.
"That's because your stomach is empty," said her mom. "You would feel a whole lot better if you had something in it."
Later that day, their pastor dropped in for a visit and remarked that he had a headache.
Susie perked up. "My mom says that's because it's empty. You'd feel much better if you had something in it!"
===========================================================
Taking It Lightly
SOME CITY BOYS were on their first camping trip. As they sat around the campfire, mosquitoes began to bite them.
"Let's go inside the tents," the counselor suggested.
That night, while everybody was sleeping, one of the boys woke up and nudged the counselor.
"What's wrong?" the counselor asked.
The boy pointed to a group of fireflies. "It's those mosquitoes again, and this time they brought flashlights!"
===========================================================
Quick Question
IF MARRIAGE were illegal, would only outlaws have in-laws?
===========================================================
"They asked my Uncle Wally if anybody in his family suffers from insanity.
He said "No, they all seem to be enjoying it."
===========================================================
Henry
MEDICAL STUDENT: Professor, why do we have to study physics? It has nothing to do with our profession.
Professor: Because it saves lives.
Student: How on earth can a physics course save lives?
Professor: It prevents idiots from graduating.
===========================================================
Wisdom of a Child
LITTLE SUSIE complained to her mother that she had a stomachache.
"That's because your stomach is empty," said her mom. "You would feel a whole lot better if you had something in it."
Later that day, their pastor dropped in for a visit and remarked that he had a headache.
Susie perked up. "My mom says that's because it's empty. You'd feel much better if you had something in it!"
===========================================================
Taking It Lightly
SOME CITY BOYS were on their first camping trip. As they sat around the campfire, mosquitoes began to bite them.
"Let's go inside the tents," the counselor suggested.
That night, while everybody was sleeping, one of the boys woke up and nudged the counselor.
"What's wrong?" the counselor asked.
The boy pointed to a group of fireflies. "It's those mosquitoes again, and this time they brought flashlights!"
===========================================================
Quick Question
IF MARRIAGE were illegal, would only outlaws have in-laws?
===========================================================
"They asked my Uncle Wally if anybody in his family suffers from insanity.
He said "No, they all seem to be enjoying it."
===========================================================
Henry
A father, whose looks are not such as to warrent the breaking up of all existing statues of APOLLO, tells this on himself:
"My little girl was sitting on my lap facing a mirror. After gazing intently at her reflection for some minutes she said: 'Papa, did God make you?'
" 'Certainly, my dear.' I told her.
" 'And did He make me, too?'-taking another look in the mirror?
" 'Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?'
" 'Seems to me He's doing better work lately.' "
"My little girl was sitting on my lap facing a mirror. After gazing intently at her reflection for some minutes she said: 'Papa, did God make you?'
" 'Certainly, my dear.' I told her.
" 'And did He make me, too?'-taking another look in the mirror?
" 'Certainly, dear. What makes you ask?'
" 'Seems to me He's doing better work lately.' "
Family Jokes
"How are you getting on with your football, Jack?"
"Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team's greatest drawbacks!"
===================================================
Doctors Jokes
"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."
===================================================
Police Jokes
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here." Do you can handle it?" "No problem," the applicant replied,
"If they don't behave, out they go!"
===================================================
Entertainment Jokes
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
- S.C. Herald-Journal -
And another poster's "answer" to that:
Let me explain the joke. The rooster was mad at the peacock because he thought he had been cuckolded. Hens lay eggs. Peacocks do not lay eggs. Peahens do lay eggs. End lesson in peafowls. Sorry, this lesson does not address the coloration of the peahen's eggs.
(Also, People do not lay down, they lie down. Geese don't lay down either; they just shed down.)
_________________
===================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
The room was full of expectant mums, with their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
===================================================
Henry
"How are you getting on with your football, Jack?"
"Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team's greatest drawbacks!"
===================================================
Doctors Jokes
"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."
===================================================
Police Jokes
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here." Do you can handle it?" "No problem," the applicant replied,
"If they don't behave, out they go!"
===================================================
Entertainment Jokes
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
- S.C. Herald-Journal -
And another poster's "answer" to that:
Let me explain the joke. The rooster was mad at the peacock because he thought he had been cuckolded. Hens lay eggs. Peacocks do not lay eggs. Peahens do lay eggs. End lesson in peafowls. Sorry, this lesson does not address the coloration of the peahen's eggs.
(Also, People do not lay down, they lie down. Geese don't lay down either; they just shed down.)
_________________
===================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
The room was full of expectant mums, with their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
===================================================
Henry
Kid Jokes
Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
This is a true story.
On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You've heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?
I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can't they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.
I'm finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: "Thanks for helping me separate these two carts."
(Don't put the carts before the horses... )
--------------------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "
Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
(Methinks I can get why the compliments are, er, rare...
)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Family Jokes
Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She's very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.
Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
This is a true story.
On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You've heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?
I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can't they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.
I'm finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: "Thanks for helping me separate these two carts."
(Don't put the carts before the horses... )
--------------------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "
Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
(Methinks I can get why the compliments are, er, rare...
)--------------------------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Family Jokes
Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She's very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.
Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Entertainment Jokes
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."
"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously
(Row row row your bench...)
-------------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, "I'll tell you its very simple – it's the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."
(Sneaky!)
-------------------------------------------------
Musician Jokes
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
(At least it's not bagpipes...)
-------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Asia was by far my favorite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."
"What about the pagodas?" a man besides her asked. "Did you see them?"
"Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them."
(Bon apetit!)
-------------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."
(I've heard that anybody who goes to a physchiatrist should get their head examined.)
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."
"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously
(Row row row your bench...)
-------------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, "I'll tell you its very simple – it's the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."
(Sneaky!)
-------------------------------------------------
Musician Jokes
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
(At least it's not bagpipes...)
-------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Asia was by far my favorite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."
"What about the pagodas?" a man besides her asked. "Did you see them?"
"Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them."
(Bon apetit!)
-------------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."
(I've heard that anybody who goes to a physchiatrist should get their head examined.)
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
Eating Tips for The Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
The chemistry teacher at Strathtweed High School asked if anyone in the class could recall the chemical composition of water - which he had given in the previous lesson. Wee Willie Forsyth's hand shot up and he responded "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O sir!" The teacher was stunned and asked "Where did you get that from?" Wee Willie replied "It was you, sir. You said yesterday that the chemical composition of water was H to O."
Later in the day, the history teacher was lecturing on the founding of Roman civilization and asked the class "When was Rome built?" Wee Willie immediately raised his hand and responded "At night!" The teacher frowned and asked where he had learned that. Wee Willie replied: "My dad - he always says that Rome wasn't built in a day..."
----------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she stepped outside for a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. "How did you like my execution?" she asked.
The gardener without turning to look at her said, "I'm in favor of it."
----------------------------------------------------
PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!
Broken Coffee Table: $139.00
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
The chemistry teacher at Strathtweed High School asked if anyone in the class could recall the chemical composition of water - which he had given in the previous lesson. Wee Willie Forsyth's hand shot up and he responded "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O sir!" The teacher was stunned and asked "Where did you get that from?" Wee Willie replied "It was you, sir. You said yesterday that the chemical composition of water was H to O."
Later in the day, the history teacher was lecturing on the founding of Roman civilization and asked the class "When was Rome built?" Wee Willie immediately raised his hand and responded "At night!" The teacher frowned and asked where he had learned that. Wee Willie replied: "My dad - he always says that Rome wasn't built in a day..."
----------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she stepped outside for a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. "How did you like my execution?" she asked.
The gardener without turning to look at her said, "I'm in favor of it."
----------------------------------------------------
PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!
Broken Coffee Table: $139.00
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Entertainment Jokes
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.
------------------------------------------------
The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
"Maxine"
(And, The problem with political jokes is that too many of them get elected... )
------------------------------------------------
Computer Jokes
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
------------------------------------------------
Family Jokes
"Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law."
"That is wonderful, son. I'm proud of you."
"He said I had a criminal mind."
------------------------------------------------
Hollywood Squares:
Question: "If your going to make a parachute jump, how high to you need to be?"
Answer: "Three days of steady drinking should do it" Charley Weaver
-----
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
------------------------------------------------
Male Jokes
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.
------------------------------------------------
The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
"Maxine"
(And, The problem with political jokes is that too many of them get elected... )
------------------------------------------------
Computer Jokes
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
------------------------------------------------
Family Jokes
"Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law."
"That is wonderful, son. I'm proud of you."
"He said I had a criminal mind."
------------------------------------------------
Hollywood Squares:
Question: "If your going to make a parachute jump, how high to you need to be?"
Answer: "Three days of steady drinking should do it" Charley Weaver
-----
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
------------------------------------------------
Male Jokes
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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Henry
Business Jokes
HR Heaven and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
Charles
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Henry
HR Heaven and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
Charles
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Henry
Antartian Jokes
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
(Yo, mama!)
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Marriage Jokes
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
(Hic!)
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Entertainment Jokes
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
(
)
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Henry
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
(Yo, mama!)
======================================
Marriage Jokes
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
(Hic!)
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Entertainment Jokes
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
(
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Henry
Bar & Drinking Jokes
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
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They'll Find Us
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
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Here is a real Grooner:
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
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Henry
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
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They'll Find Us
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
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Here is a real Grooner:
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
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Henry