The Rector--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath."
The Man-- "Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
Recycling
Back in Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have anotha' beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas."
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He cinched up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say, partner, before you go.... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
(Neigh!)
--------------------------------------------
Police Jokes
Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
"The other cat," answered the prisoner.
(Meow!)
--------------------------------------------
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A girl involved with the women's lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. "No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said.
The man replied; "You may insist as much as you like, Lady," "This is my street where I get off."
(Details, details!)
--------------------------------------------
Signs Jokes
Sign seen in a veterinarian's office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.
(Woof!)
--------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It with Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose" he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied
"I'm a man of few words."
(At least the guy rose to the occasion!)
--------------------------------------------
Henry
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have anotha' beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas."
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He cinched up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say, partner, before you go.... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
(Neigh!)
--------------------------------------------
Police Jokes
Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
"The other cat," answered the prisoner.
(Meow!)
--------------------------------------------
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A girl involved with the women's lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. "No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said.
The man replied; "You may insist as much as you like, Lady," "This is my street where I get off."
(Details, details!)
--------------------------------------------
Signs Jokes
Sign seen in a veterinarian's office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.
(Woof!)
--------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It with Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose" he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied
"I'm a man of few words."
(At least the guy rose to the occasion!)
--------------------------------------------
Henry
Farmer Jokes
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I would not listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She does not know anything about cars."
===================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label and announced, "Unforgettable"
===================================
Entertainment Jokes
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "How will I recognize it?" asked the man.
"It's the one with all the broken windows." Came the reply.
===================================
Scifi Jokes
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
===================================
Teachers Jokes
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
===================================
Lightbulbs Jokes
Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.
===================================
Henry
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I would not listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She does not know anything about cars."
===================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label and announced, "Unforgettable"
===================================
Entertainment Jokes
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "How will I recognize it?" asked the man.
"It's the one with all the broken windows." Came the reply.
===================================
Scifi Jokes
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
===================================
Teachers Jokes
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
===================================
Lightbulbs Jokes
Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.
===================================
Henry
Animal Jokes
This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!
1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human's chest as a use for entertainment.
3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.
3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.
4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.
4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human's bedroom and under the bed.
4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.
4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.
5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.
5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.
8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.
3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human's bed and finds comfort under the covers.
5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.
5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.
5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.
6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!
9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 because it wants to find another job.
9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................
(Methinks what we have there is a failure to communicate... )
===========================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Sandy Forsyth asked to see his boss after pay day and held up his pay packet. "There's been a mistake" said Sandy. "You've paid me £30 pounds short." His boss nodded. "I know," he said. "But I paid you £30 too much last week." Sandy responded "I noticed that too. I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, I felt I had to draw your attention to it.."
===========================================================
Henry
This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!
1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human's chest as a use for entertainment.
3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.
3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.
4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.
4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human's bedroom and under the bed.
4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.
4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.
5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.
5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.
8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.
3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human's bed and finds comfort under the covers.
5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.
5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.
5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.
6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!
9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 because it wants to find another job.
9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................
(Methinks what we have there is a failure to communicate... )
===========================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Sandy Forsyth asked to see his boss after pay day and held up his pay packet. "There's been a mistake" said Sandy. "You've paid me £30 pounds short." His boss nodded. "I know," he said. "But I paid you £30 too much last week." Sandy responded "I noticed that too. I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, I felt I had to draw your attention to it.."
===========================================================
Henry
Police Jokes
After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
"I'm not really sure," confessed the drunk, "but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already."
------------------------------------
Musician Jokes
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. "Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said David. Mr. Harris nodded, "You certainly have a fine weapon."
------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said.
"You don't know how it feels." "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."
------------------------------------
Signs Jokes
Sign on company bulleting board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."
------------------------------------
: Police Jokes
A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"
------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?
A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
------------------------------------
Henry
After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
"I'm not really sure," confessed the drunk, "but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already."
------------------------------------
Musician Jokes
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. "Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said David. Mr. Harris nodded, "You certainly have a fine weapon."
------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said.
"You don't know how it feels." "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."
------------------------------------
Signs Jokes
Sign on company bulleting board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."
------------------------------------
: Police Jokes
A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"
------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?
A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
------------------------------------
Henry
Officer (to couple in parked auto)--"Don't you see that sign, 'Fine for parking'?"
Driver-"Yes, officer, I see it and heartily agree with it."
___________________________________________________
Battered Motorist (waking up)- "Where am I? Where am I?"
Nurse- "This is number 127."
Motorist - "Room or cell."
Driver-"Yes, officer, I see it and heartily agree with it."
___________________________________________________
Battered Motorist (waking up)- "Where am I? Where am I?"
Nurse- "This is number 127."
Motorist - "Room or cell."
Teachers Jokes
A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.
The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
(Qvack!)
=========================================================
Musician Jokes
The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. "Lady," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."
(Hmm - do ya suppose somebody's trying to tell her something?)
=========================================================
Kid Jokes
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked.
"How will that help?"
(Good question!)
=========================================================
Elderly Jokes
"I see you're losing your hair."
"Nonsense. I know exactly where it is – down the bathroom sink."
=========================================================
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
=========================================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is the your customers don't complain when they get hair in their food.
=========================================================
Henry
A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.
The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
(Qvack!)
=========================================================
Musician Jokes
The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. "Lady," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."
(Hmm - do ya suppose somebody's trying to tell her something?)
=========================================================
Kid Jokes
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked.
"How will that help?"
(Good question!)
=========================================================
Elderly Jokes
"I see you're losing your hair."
"Nonsense. I know exactly where it is – down the bathroom sink."
=========================================================
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
=========================================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is the your customers don't complain when they get hair in their food.
=========================================================
Henry
Entertainment Jokes
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, "Where is the murderer?"
A threatening voice behind her replied, "Right in back of you, if you don't sit down!"
-----------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."
-----------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.
Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it's been
-----------------------------------------
Lawyer Jokes
Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Looking for loopholes," was the lawyer's reply.
-----------------------------------------
Family Jokes
The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.
-----------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. "Listen," the doctor said, "if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"It's true," said the patient, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
-----------------------------------------
From a recent Jeopardy!:
Q: The cartoon character Porky the Pig appeared with a cat named what?
A: What is "Beans".
Think about it...
(Are you ready for this?)
The two of them were "Porky and Beans".
-----------------------------------------
Henry
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, "Where is the murderer?"
A threatening voice behind her replied, "Right in back of you, if you don't sit down!"
-----------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."
-----------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.
Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it's been
-----------------------------------------
Lawyer Jokes
Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Looking for loopholes," was the lawyer's reply.
-----------------------------------------
Family Jokes
The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.
-----------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. "Listen," the doctor said, "if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"It's true," said the patient, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
-----------------------------------------
From a recent Jeopardy!:
Q: The cartoon character Porky the Pig appeared with a cat named what?
A: What is "Beans".
Think about it...
(Are you ready for this?)
The two of them were "Porky and Beans".
-----------------------------------------
Henry