Recycling
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Wee Gordon Forsyth lived with his parents in a remoter part of Scotland, where some of the modern conveniences townsfolk take for granted had not yet arrived. For example, there was no connection to the sewage system, so they had to use an outhouse. Wee Gordon hated it - hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and an unpleasant smell all the time. The outhouse stood at the side of a burn (a Highland stream) and one day, after a heavy fall of rain, which made the burn rise almost to reach the outhouse, Wee Gordon decided to push the building into the water. He thought that would induce his parents to find a better solution. That evening, his father confronted Wee Gordon and sternly said to him "Someone pushed the outhouse into the burn today. It was you, wasn't it, laddie?" Wee Gordon nodded and then added: "At school today we were told the story of George Washington who chopped down a tree and didn't get into trouble because he didn't lie and told his father the truth." His father glowered, however. "Well, laddie, that's all very well. But George Washington's father wasn't up the tree when it got chopped down..."
(Tiiiiiimbeeerrrrrrr...!)
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Work Jokes
In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly time card he describes his position as
Meat Head."
(Any connection to the Bunker's?)
--------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
Note outside a laundry shop: "Drop your clothes here for best results" !!
(Say what?)
--------------------------------------
Full Speed Ahead
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
(OOPS!)
--------------------------------------
Henry
Wee Gordon Forsyth lived with his parents in a remoter part of Scotland, where some of the modern conveniences townsfolk take for granted had not yet arrived. For example, there was no connection to the sewage system, so they had to use an outhouse. Wee Gordon hated it - hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and an unpleasant smell all the time. The outhouse stood at the side of a burn (a Highland stream) and one day, after a heavy fall of rain, which made the burn rise almost to reach the outhouse, Wee Gordon decided to push the building into the water. He thought that would induce his parents to find a better solution. That evening, his father confronted Wee Gordon and sternly said to him "Someone pushed the outhouse into the burn today. It was you, wasn't it, laddie?" Wee Gordon nodded and then added: "At school today we were told the story of George Washington who chopped down a tree and didn't get into trouble because he didn't lie and told his father the truth." His father glowered, however. "Well, laddie, that's all very well. But George Washington's father wasn't up the tree when it got chopped down..."
(Tiiiiiimbeeerrrrrrr...!)
--------------------------------------
Work Jokes
In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly time card he describes his position as
Meat Head."
(Any connection to the Bunker's?)
--------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
Note outside a laundry shop: "Drop your clothes here for best results" !!
(Say what?)
--------------------------------------
Full Speed Ahead
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
(OOPS!)
--------------------------------------
Henry
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
Charles
==================================================
Henry
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
Charles
==================================================
Henry
===========================================
Copied from another BB:
I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association down in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there are being built just next to them, six new homes... big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City, County, and the Police and got no help. So... guess what some people in his community did...
They organized about twenty folks, named themselves the "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!
They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means.
Well, the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of 68, of the construction workers did not show up for work the next morning!!!!!!!!... and haven't come back yet!!!!! It has been ten days.
Now the General Contractor, I understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have on their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace... "Have at it"!
SO FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT YANKEE INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!!!!!!!
Charles
===========================================
Military Jokes
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," called out a conscript.
"Don't be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."
===========================================
Q: Eschew obfuscation!
A: Gesundheit.
===========================================
Henry
Copied from another BB:
I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association down in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there are being built just next to them, six new homes... big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City, County, and the Police and got no help. So... guess what some people in his community did...
They organized about twenty folks, named themselves the "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!
They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means.
Well, the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of 68, of the construction workers did not show up for work the next morning!!!!!!!!... and haven't come back yet!!!!! It has been ten days.
Now the General Contractor, I understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have on their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace... "Have at it"!
SO FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT YANKEE INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!!!!!!!
Charles
===========================================
Military Jokes
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," called out a conscript.
"Don't be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."
===========================================
Q: Eschew obfuscation!
A: Gesundheit.
===========================================
Henry
================================
Marriage Jokes
A wife concern with her husband's driving said; 'Dear, aren't you driving a little too fast?
Her husband replied; don't you believe in a guardian angel? He will take care of us.
His wife said: Yes, I do. But I am afraid we left him miles back!
================================
Whenever you're feeling down, just remember this:
Eagles may soar amongst the clouds, but weasels don't run the risk of getting sucked into jet engines.
================================
Entertainment Jokes
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
(A two word hint to the trumpeter: Cause. Effect.
)
================================
Computer Jokes
First friend: "I am getting so tired of having to wade through so much Spam e-mail. Every time I sign on to get my e-mail I have to discard 20 Spam messages."
Second friend: "I used to be in exactly the same situation: 20 Spam messages every time I signed on. But I solved that. Now I only get ONE every time I sign on."
First friend: "That's terrific. How did you do that?"
Second friend: "I sign on 20 times more."
================================
Military Jokes
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
================================
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
================================
Business Jokes
"How long have you been working here?" one employee asked to another.
"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."
================================
Henry
Marriage Jokes
A wife concern with her husband's driving said; 'Dear, aren't you driving a little too fast?
Her husband replied; don't you believe in a guardian angel? He will take care of us.
His wife said: Yes, I do. But I am afraid we left him miles back!
================================
Whenever you're feeling down, just remember this:
Eagles may soar amongst the clouds, but weasels don't run the risk of getting sucked into jet engines.
================================
Entertainment Jokes
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
(A two word hint to the trumpeter: Cause. Effect.
)================================
Computer Jokes
First friend: "I am getting so tired of having to wade through so much Spam e-mail. Every time I sign on to get my e-mail I have to discard 20 Spam messages."
Second friend: "I used to be in exactly the same situation: 20 Spam messages every time I signed on. But I solved that. Now I only get ONE every time I sign on."
First friend: "That's terrific. How did you do that?"
Second friend: "I sign on 20 times more."
================================
Military Jokes
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
================================
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
================================
Business Jokes
"How long have you been working here?" one employee asked to another.
"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."
================================
Henry
=====================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Mr Forsyth-Smyth was having a disastrous game of golf, much to the distress of his caddie. After slicing his drive and seeing the ball ricochet off two trees and end up in a burn, Forsyth-Smyth turned to the caddie apologetically and said "Golf is a funny old game, isn't it?" The caddie thought for a moment before slowly replying "Aye, but it's not meant to be..."
(FORE!)
=====================================
Family Jokes
Why did the woman only change her baby's diaper once a month?
On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"
(Ew?)
=====================================
College Jokes
A college student said to his mother, "I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!"
"That is very nice," muted his mother. "You can go upstairs and start with your room."
(Think mom somehow missed the point? )
=====================================
Kid Jokes
Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: what is his favorite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....
(Half and half?)
=====================================
Note- after tomorrow I'll be away from my computer until the middle of the following week, and I don't usually manage to get online while out of town.
Henry
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Mr Forsyth-Smyth was having a disastrous game of golf, much to the distress of his caddie. After slicing his drive and seeing the ball ricochet off two trees and end up in a burn, Forsyth-Smyth turned to the caddie apologetically and said "Golf is a funny old game, isn't it?" The caddie thought for a moment before slowly replying "Aye, but it's not meant to be..."
(FORE!)
=====================================
Family Jokes
Why did the woman only change her baby's diaper once a month?
On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"
(Ew?)
=====================================
College Jokes
A college student said to his mother, "I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!"
"That is very nice," muted his mother. "You can go upstairs and start with your room."
(Think mom somehow missed the point?
)=====================================
Kid Jokes
Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: what is his favorite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....
(Half and half?)
=====================================
Note- after tomorrow I'll be away from my computer until the middle of the following week, and I don't usually manage to get online while out of town.
Henry
=========================================
Family Jokes
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
=========================================
Computer Jokes
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."
=========================================
One Liners Jokes
A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.
=========================================
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.
The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"
=========================================
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time.cuz your gonna get him killed!"
=========================================
Henry
Family Jokes
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
=========================================
Computer Jokes
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."
=========================================
One Liners Jokes
A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.
=========================================
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.
The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"
=========================================
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time.cuz your gonna get him killed!"
=========================================
Henry
Miscellaneous Jokes
The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to
the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard. After they rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag. "Please," whispered the cashier, "take the books, too. I'm $7,500 short."
-----------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
Employer: We can pay you 75 dollars a week now and 100 dollars a week in eight months.
Applicant: Thank you. I'll drop back in eight months.
-----------------------------------------------
Rude Jokes
A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; "I just lost 10 pounds!"
His friend says; "Turn around; I think I found them!"
-----------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
-----------------------------------------------
Idiots Jokes
Did you hear about the rock'n'roll singer who wore a hearing aid for four years?
Then he found out he only needed a haircut.
-----------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"
Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!"
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to
the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard. After they rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag. "Please," whispered the cashier, "take the books, too. I'm $7,500 short."
-----------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
Employer: We can pay you 75 dollars a week now and 100 dollars a week in eight months.
Applicant: Thank you. I'll drop back in eight months.
-----------------------------------------------
Rude Jokes
A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; "I just lost 10 pounds!"
His friend says; "Turn around; I think I found them!"
-----------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
-----------------------------------------------
Idiots Jokes
Did you hear about the rock'n'roll singer who wore a hearing aid for four years?
Then he found out he only needed a haircut.
-----------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"
Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!"
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
Miscellaneous Jokes
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
"This time you're doing fine!" exclaimed the instructor. "Yes," the novice driver agreed.
"Now when I see anther car coming, I shut my eyes."
(EEK!)
--------------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; "Gee, Dad, stork doesn't recognized me."
(Well, so much for that theory...)
--------------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, "Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
"Lucas burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
(Burp!)
--------------------------------------------
Marriage Jokes
A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. "Darling'" he implored, "Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer."
(And we wonder why so many marriages don't last... )
--------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
--------------------------------------------
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
"Then don't do that."
--------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
--------------------------------------------
Henry
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
"This time you're doing fine!" exclaimed the instructor. "Yes," the novice driver agreed.
"Now when I see anther car coming, I shut my eyes."
(EEK!)
--------------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; "Gee, Dad, stork doesn't recognized me."
(Well, so much for that theory...)
--------------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, "Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
"Lucas burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
(Burp!)
--------------------------------------------
Marriage Jokes
A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. "Darling'" he implored, "Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer."
(And we wonder why so many marriages don't last...
)--------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
--------------------------------------------
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
"Then don't do that."
--------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
--------------------------------------------
Henry
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 40 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.......
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
(MOO!)
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Farmer Jokes
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
(Neigh!)
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Entertainment Jokes
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
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Police Jokes
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the clerk advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
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Henry
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 40 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.......
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
(MOO!)
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Farmer Jokes
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
(Neigh!)
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Entertainment Jokes
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
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Police Jokes
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the clerk advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
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Henry
Miscellaneous Jokes
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. "Rest in Peace"
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
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Business Jokes
"This little computer," said the a sales clerk, "will do half your job for you."
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; "Fine, I'll take two."
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Airplane Jokes
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
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Doctors Jokes
A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. "I know a great one," his friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that."
The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated "I'm back!"
The doctor proceeded with the examination. "Very good," he said when he was finished.
"Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."
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Male Jokes
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices.
"Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels."
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Kid Jokes
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space?
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To visit Pluto
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Henry
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. "Rest in Peace"
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
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Business Jokes
"This little computer," said the a sales clerk, "will do half your job for you."
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; "Fine, I'll take two."
--------------------------------------
Airplane Jokes
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
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Doctors Jokes
A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. "I know a great one," his friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that."
The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated "I'm back!"
The doctor proceeded with the examination. "Very good," he said when he was finished.
"Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."
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Male Jokes
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices.
"Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels."
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Kid Jokes
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space?
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To visit Pluto
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Henry
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.
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Henry
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.
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.To my buddies who might enjoy this test ...
Follow the directions! The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Scroll down...
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=================================================Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I'll bet you can't resist passing it on.
Henry