Now that one I like! Recycling
YA GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
>
> A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
>
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
>
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> Who was that?" asked his wife.
>
> Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>
> Did you help him?" she asks.
>
> No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
>
> Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
>
> Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
>
> I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>
> "Yes" comes back the answer.
>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
----------------------------------------------
Henry
>
> A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
>
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
>
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> Who was that?" asked his wife.
>
> Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>
> Did you help him?" she asks.
>
> No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
>
> Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
>
> Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
>
> I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>
> "Yes" comes back the answer.
>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
----------------------------------------------
Henry
The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "how many of you have forgiven their enemies"? About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Rosebud" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any", she replied smiling sweetly.
"Rosebud, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three", she replied.
"Oh Rosebud, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the S-O-B's."
-------------------------------------------
Two bytes are in a bar.
One byte says "I'm not feeling very well. I may have a parity error"
The other byte says "I thought you looked a bit off!"
(I don't write them I just cut and paste!!)
A byte joke huh?
There's 10 kinds of people in the world - those who know binary and those who don't.
-------------------------------------------
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-------------------------------------------
Henry
He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Rosebud" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any", she replied smiling sweetly.
"Rosebud, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three", she replied.
"Oh Rosebud, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the S-O-B's."
-------------------------------------------
Two bytes are in a bar.
One byte says "I'm not feeling very well. I may have a parity error"
The other byte says "I thought you looked a bit off!"
(I don't write them I just cut and paste!!)
A byte joke huh?
There's 10 kinds of people in the world - those who know binary and those who don't.
-------------------------------------------
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-------------------------------------------
Henry
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said.... "Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
-------------------------------------------------
There's an Eyewitness
LATE ONE NIGHT, a man driving along a dark country road heard a big thud and knew he'd hit something. He stopped and got out to look but didn't see anything.
The next morning, the sheriff came to his home. "You're under arrest," the officer said. "You hit a pig with your car last night."
"Now how in the world do you know that?" the man asked. The sheriff replied without hesitation, "The pig squealed."
--------------------
Henry
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said.... "Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
-------------------------------------------------
There's an Eyewitness
LATE ONE NIGHT, a man driving along a dark country road heard a big thud and knew he'd hit something. He stopped and got out to look but didn't see anything.
The next morning, the sheriff came to his home. "You're under arrest," the officer said. "You hit a pig with your car last night."
"Now how in the world do you know that?" the man asked. The sheriff replied without hesitation, "The pig squealed."
--------------------
Henry
----------------------------------------------
A little boy quietly watched his preacher father preparing his Sunday sermon. He became curious about his dad's work, and said, "Dad, how do you know what to write for a sermon?" His father thoughtfully answered, "Son, God tells me what to write." The son pondered this, and asked, "If God is telling you, why do you cross out so much of it?"
----------------------------------------------
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the guy. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
------------------------------------------------
CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
------------------------------------------------
Henry
A little boy quietly watched his preacher father preparing his Sunday sermon. He became curious about his dad's work, and said, "Dad, how do you know what to write for a sermon?" His father thoughtfully answered, "Son, God tells me what to write." The son pondered this, and asked, "If God is telling you, why do you cross out so much of it?"
----------------------------------------------
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the guy. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
------------------------------------------------
CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
------------------------------------------------
Henry
-------------------------------------------------
I've been forwarding some of the jokes from here to a friend, and he finnaly sent something back that we could use here.....and here it is (by the way, I'm just cutting & pasting rite from his e-mail, leaving his name off)
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor... The following; were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a WARNING? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one . .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . . . You're right, we don't. . . . Now sign here."
---------------------------------------------------------
Henry
I've been forwarding some of the jokes from here to a friend, and he finnaly sent something back that we could use here.....and here it is (by the way, I'm just cutting & pasting rite from his e-mail, leaving his name off)
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor... The following; were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a WARNING? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one . .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . . . You're right, we don't. . . . Now sign here."
---------------------------------------------------------
Henry
-----------------------------------------------
Super Trouper
In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m., a Wyoming state trooper responded to a call of a car off the shoulder on the outside of the town of Casper.
The trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.
The trooper tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but it was still stuck in the snow.
The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the trooper yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the driver obeyed, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the trooper's special training and just how he could possibly run 50 mph. The man was arrested, still believing that a trooper had outrun his car
-----------------------------------------------
Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.
Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.
-----------------------------------------------
We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte
If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte
-----------------------------------------------
_Quotes_Of_The_Day_
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
Super Trouper
In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m., a Wyoming state trooper responded to a call of a car off the shoulder on the outside of the town of Casper.
The trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.
The trooper tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but it was still stuck in the snow.
The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the trooper yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the driver obeyed, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the trooper's special training and just how he could possibly run 50 mph. The man was arrested, still believing that a trooper had outrun his car
-----------------------------------------------
Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.
Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.
-----------------------------------------------
We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte
If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte
-----------------------------------------------
_Quotes_Of_The_Day_
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
Actually that IS my philosophy. You can't count on people, you can't coung on public transportation, you can't count on the cable installer to show up on time, or the phone person, or the delivery person, etc, etc.Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.
Another thing I keep forgetting is to "NEVER assume intelligence!"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Airplane
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
----------------------------------------------------------------
To err is human. But to really mess up you need a computer.
Computers make ver fast, very accurate mistakes.
2+2=5 for very large values of 2.
Files will grow so as to fill any available disk or memory space.
Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
============================
Henry
The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Airplane
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
----------------------------------------------------------------
To err is human. But to really mess up you need a computer.
Computers make ver fast, very accurate mistakes.
2+2=5 for very large values of 2.
Files will grow so as to fill any available disk or memory space.
Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
============================
Henry
Bagpipe Humour
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
------------------------------------------------------
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it... , but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
------------------------------------------------------
Henry
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
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Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it... , but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
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Henry
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Choosing your Retirement City.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Choosing your Retirement City.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
