Just as long as you let someone else write the User Instructions. English speaking for this country, please.Then I guess it's a good thing I'm a software engineer, huh
Recycling
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we have two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50." (Jay Leno)
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
(Jerry Seinfeld)
"What's another word for thesaurus?" (Steven Wright)
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." (Robert Wilensky)
"When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." (Gracie Allen)
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." (Rodney Dangerfield)
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." (Henny Youngman)
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." (Tim Allen)
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese." (Chris Rock)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)
"When you're eight years old, nothing is your business." (Lenny Bruce)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." (Dave Barry)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
News headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
-----------------------------------------------------
Henry
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we have two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50." (Jay Leno)
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
(Jerry Seinfeld)
"What's another word for thesaurus?" (Steven Wright)
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." (Robert Wilensky)
"When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." (Gracie Allen)
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." (Rodney Dangerfield)
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." (Henny Youngman)
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." (Tim Allen)
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese." (Chris Rock)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)
"When you're eight years old, nothing is your business." (Lenny Bruce)
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." (Dave Barry)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
News headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
-----------------------------------------------------
Henry
These are actual headlines that appeared in newspapers....
"Priest in Fatal Crash Improves" (Lakeland (Florida) Ledger)
"Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" (Cornell Daily Sun)
"Car, Hearse, Collide: One Dead in Crash" (Raleigh News and Observer)
-----------------------------------------------------
Psychics predict World Didn't end yesterday.
Sun or Rain expected today, Dark tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------
Same old, same old.....
A first-grade teacher supposedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest.......
It's always darkest before..... daylight-savings time.
Don't bite the hand that....... looks dirty
You can't teach an old dog new..... math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.... stink in the morning
A penny saved is.... not much
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.... grounded
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way.
-----------------------------------------------------
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
*************
Henry
"Priest in Fatal Crash Improves" (Lakeland (Florida) Ledger)
"Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" (Cornell Daily Sun)
"Car, Hearse, Collide: One Dead in Crash" (Raleigh News and Observer)
-----------------------------------------------------
Psychics predict World Didn't end yesterday.
Sun or Rain expected today, Dark tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------
Same old, same old.....
A first-grade teacher supposedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest.......
It's always darkest before..... daylight-savings time.
Don't bite the hand that....... looks dirty
You can't teach an old dog new..... math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.... stink in the morning
A penny saved is.... not much
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.... grounded
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way.
-----------------------------------------------------
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
*************
Henry
Performance Terms
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
--------------------
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"Good."
--------------------
Henry
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
--------------------
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"Good."
--------------------
Henry
Home » Work Place
Sober?
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in andout of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
--------------------
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.
If the network goes down, send an e-mail.
--------------------
Two atoms talking:
Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
--------------------
Henry
Sober?
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in andout of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
--------------------
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.
If the network goes down, send an e-mail.
--------------------
Two atoms talking:
Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
'Cindy, you have sinned ........'
--------------------
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
He says, "All right, Maw."
He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole."
He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"
She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
--------------------
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
--------------------
Henry
Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
'Cindy, you have sinned ........'
--------------------
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
He says, "All right, Maw."
He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole."
He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"
She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
--------------------
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
--------------------
Henry
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.
The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
------------------------------------------------
Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
------------------------------------------------
: Teachers Jokes
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
------------------------------------------------
Henry
The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
------------------------------------------------
Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
------------------------------------------------
: Teachers Jokes
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
------------------------------------------------
Henry
Last edited by Henry J on Mon Sep 18, 2006 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Even when I was in the military I would not have considered that funny.War Games
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
