Re "Sounds more to me like cruelity to animals!"
It would be if done on purpose. But there nobody knew it was happening.
Henry
Recycling
Idiots Jokes
Two friends, John & Jerry were on vacation in the isles of Fiji. While there they decided to go out fishing since hearing of the many great fishing spots.
They rented a boat and left before sunrise. The sun was now shining directly down on their heads. They realized that they'd been out at sea for nearly 4 hrs. Jerry turns around and says, " So much for the great fishing spot! I think I'm ready to head in!" John replies, "well, let's just try casting over there", as he pointed east of where they were. Jerry agrees and not long after they started hauling in loads and loads of fish. Jerry with a glee in his face shouts out to John, "this is the best fishing spot ever!" I know, says John we should definitely mark this place. Jerry: don't worry I'll mark it down.
As they headed back to shore, John asks Jerry what did he put out there as to mark their fishing spot.
Jerry answers: Well I marked the side of the boat! Right here, see, a red cross!
John with a surprised look turns to his friend and says, "that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! What if we don't take out the same boat tomorrow"!
-----------------------------------------
THE OUTHOUSE
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
-----------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
"How long will be the next bus be, Officer?"
"About eight yards, sir."
-----------------------------------------
Henry
Two friends, John & Jerry were on vacation in the isles of Fiji. While there they decided to go out fishing since hearing of the many great fishing spots.
They rented a boat and left before sunrise. The sun was now shining directly down on their heads. They realized that they'd been out at sea for nearly 4 hrs. Jerry turns around and says, " So much for the great fishing spot! I think I'm ready to head in!" John replies, "well, let's just try casting over there", as he pointed east of where they were. Jerry agrees and not long after they started hauling in loads and loads of fish. Jerry with a glee in his face shouts out to John, "this is the best fishing spot ever!" I know, says John we should definitely mark this place. Jerry: don't worry I'll mark it down.
As they headed back to shore, John asks Jerry what did he put out there as to mark their fishing spot.
Jerry answers: Well I marked the side of the boat! Right here, see, a red cross!
John with a surprised look turns to his friend and says, "that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! What if we don't take out the same boat tomorrow"!
-----------------------------------------
THE OUTHOUSE
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
-----------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
"How long will be the next bus be, Officer?"
"About eight yards, sir."
-----------------------------------------
Henry
Airplane Jokes
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
-----------------------------------------
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
-----------------------------------------
Farmer Jokes
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."
Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together.
-----------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
-----------------------------------------
Henry
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
-----------------------------------------
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
-----------------------------------------
Farmer Jokes
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."
Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together.
-----------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
-----------------------------------------
Henry
Erma Bombeck:
"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."
"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."
"Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."
-----------------------------------------
"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean."
-----------------------------------------
Henry
"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."
"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."
"Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."
-----------------------------------------
"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean."
-----------------------------------------
Henry
lswotLost: apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: eight puppies from a german shepherd and an alaskan hussy.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness.
-----------------------------------------
Sign at car mechanic:
Bring your car to us. You'll never go anywhere else.
-----------------------------------------
: Work Jokes
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"
-----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays.
-----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
-----------------------------------------
Police Jokes
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."
"Which one?" asked the operator.
"The one that was robbed."
-----------------------------------------
Eschew obfuscation!
Eliminate unnecessary superfluous redundancies!
Henry
For sale: eight puppies from a german shepherd and an alaskan hussy.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness.
-----------------------------------------
Sign at car mechanic:
Bring your car to us. You'll never go anywhere else.
-----------------------------------------
: Work Jokes
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"
-----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays.
-----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
-----------------------------------------
Police Jokes
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."
"Which one?" asked the operator.
"The one that was robbed."
-----------------------------------------
Eschew obfuscation!
Eliminate unnecessary superfluous redundancies!
Henry
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
-----------------------------------------
: Animal Jokes
Man
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
-----------------------------------------
Henry
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
-----------------------------------------
: Animal Jokes
Man
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
-----------------------------------------
Henry
*****
There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
*****
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-----------------------------------------
: Entertainment Jokes
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!
(As he picked up his hammer - and saw.)
Charles
----------------------------------------
: Police Jokes
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
----------------------------------------
Henry
There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
*****
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-----------------------------------------
: Entertainment Jokes
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!
(As he picked up his hammer - and saw.)
Charles
----------------------------------------
: Police Jokes
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
----------------------------------------
Henry
van Gogh's family tree
The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------- U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ---------- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------ Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------------------- A-mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------ Cant Gogh
The ballroom-dancing aunt ------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------- E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ------ Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there ya Gogh
Charles
----------------------------------------
Henry
The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------- U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ---------- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------ Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------------------- A-mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------ Cant Gogh
The ballroom-dancing aunt ------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------- E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ------ Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there ya Gogh
Charles
----------------------------------------
Henry
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
(Just don't ask me what an "Antartian" might be!
)
----------------------------------------
Genre: Work Jokes
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
----------------------------------------
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)
----------------------------------------
Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)
(Hee Haw!)
----------------------------------------
Henry
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
(Just don't ask me what an "Antartian" might be!
)----------------------------------------
Genre: Work Jokes
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
----------------------------------------
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)
----------------------------------------
Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)
(Hee Haw!)
----------------------------------------
Henry
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around"
_________________________________________________
Washington, Nixon and Clinton
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Popes and Lawyers
The pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.
First the pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible.
Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.
"Excuse me, "said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the pope have this room?"
St. Peter shook his head:
"No. We have dozens of popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Politicians and Diapers
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Government Solutions
During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs 12 inches at a cost of 6 million dolars.
"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it ; instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the Federal government, they'd decided to lower all the highways."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Running for Senate
A young man was running for the Senate in New York State. His political advisor heard some news that really upset him.
"Look," he said, "You've got to go to Albany right away or you'll lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I've got to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose more votes," the candidate replied.
"What's going on in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me there," the candidate replied.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A Good Liar
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you." "Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
----------------------------------------
Henry
_________________________________________________
Washington, Nixon and Clinton
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Popes and Lawyers
The pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.
First the pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible.
Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.
"Excuse me, "said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the pope have this room?"
St. Peter shook his head:
"No. We have dozens of popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Politicians and Diapers
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Government Solutions
During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs 12 inches at a cost of 6 million dolars.
"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it ; instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the Federal government, they'd decided to lower all the highways."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Running for Senate
A young man was running for the Senate in New York State. His political advisor heard some news that really upset him.
"Look," he said, "You've got to go to Albany right away or you'll lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I've got to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose more votes," the candidate replied.
"What's going on in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me there," the candidate replied.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A Good Liar
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you." "Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
----------------------------------------
Henry
No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were
walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
Charles
----------------------------------------
Remember, the closed mouth gathers no foot!
Eschew obfuscation!
To be is to do! To do is to be! Do-be-do-be-do! Yabba-dabba-doo! Scooby doo where are you!
----------------------------------------
Henry
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were
walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
Charles
----------------------------------------
Remember, the closed mouth gathers no foot!
Eschew obfuscation!
To be is to do! To do is to be! Do-be-do-be-do! Yabba-dabba-doo! Scooby doo where are you!
----------------------------------------
Henry
To the senile story.Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a watchdog group, recently released its annual list of Wacky Warning Labels. Here are the winners:
1. A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."
2. An electric hand blender used to blend, whip, chop and dice advises purchasers: "Never remove food from blades while the product is operating."
3. A popular scooter for children cautions: "This product moves when used."
4. This warning was discovered on a thermometer used to take a person's temperature: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."
DDDDddduuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!
--------------------
Louise
----------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
Charles
----------------------------------------
Movie Stars
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
----------------------------------------
Henry
1. A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."
2. An electric hand blender used to blend, whip, chop and dice advises purchasers: "Never remove food from blades while the product is operating."
3. A popular scooter for children cautions: "This product moves when used."
4. This warning was discovered on a thermometer used to take a person's temperature: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."
DDDDddduuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!
--------------------
Louise
----------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
Charles
----------------------------------------
Movie Stars
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
----------------------------------------
Henry
Doctors Jokes
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
----------------------------------------
A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he begins.
"Go ahead, son," the priest says.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's great," the priest replies. "'Thou shalt not steal' is a powerful commandment."
"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."
----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late
----------------------------------------
The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."
----------------------------------------
Henry
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
----------------------------------------
A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he begins.
"Go ahead, son," the priest says.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's great," the priest replies. "'Thou shalt not steal' is a powerful commandment."
"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."
----------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late
----------------------------------------
The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."
----------------------------------------
Henry