Recycling
----------------------------------------
More and more, it becomes apparant that an understanding of the past is necessary in order to understand the present, even as the world spins further out of control by reason of a lack of the very same. Here is an article which demonstrates this principle with an insight seldom seen in today's myopic media.
PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.
In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Henry
----------------------------------------
Henry
More and more, it becomes apparant that an understanding of the past is necessary in order to understand the present, even as the world spins further out of control by reason of a lack of the very same. Here is an article which demonstrates this principle with an insight seldom seen in today's myopic media.
PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.
In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Henry
----------------------------------------
Henry
--------------------------------
Some artists of the '60s are revising their hit songs
with new lyrics, to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:
Hermann's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Bran Flakes"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Abba: "Denture Queen"
Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Fall, Dear"
Helen Reddy: "I am Woman, Hear me Snore"
Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"
Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To"
topper
--------------------------------
Henry
Some artists of the '60s are revising their hit songs
with new lyrics, to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:
Hermann's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Bran Flakes"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Abba: "Denture Queen"
Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Fall, Dear"
Helen Reddy: "I am Woman, Hear me Snore"
Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"
Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To"
topper
--------------------------------
Henry
lswot------------------------
Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet
Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada : Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee : The Educashun State
Texas : Si, Hablo Ingles
Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont : Yep
Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington : We have more rain than you do
Washington , DC. : Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared
------------------------
Re "Tennessee : The Educashun State" - I resemble that remark!
Henry
Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet
Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada : Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee : The Educashun State
Texas : Si, Hablo Ingles
Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont : Yep
Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington : We have more rain than you do
Washington , DC. : Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared
------------------------
Re "Tennessee : The Educashun State" - I resemble that remark!
Henry
-----------------------------
EXERCISE .... the true facts!
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
-----------------------------
Henry
EXERCISE .... the true facts!
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
-----------------------------
Henry
------------------------------
Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your friends love you anyway.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
------------------------------
Henry
Fifteen Things To Remember as We Close the Book on Another Century
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your friends love you anyway.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
------------------------------
Henry
-----------------------
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
topper
-----------------------
Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below!
The answer is:....... "A Last Name."
Mary
-----------------------
Henry
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
topper
-----------------------
Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below!
The answer is:....... "A Last Name."
Mary
-----------------------
Henry
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
----------------------------------------------
CHINESE PROVERBS
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*
>>
>> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
topper
----------------------------------------------
Henry
CHINESE PROVERBS
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*
>>
>> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>
>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>
>> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
topper
----------------------------------------------
Henry
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume that you are already doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor's, you are able to come to work.
REST-ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest-room. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt