Note: after tomorrow my funnies will be on sabbatical for the rest of the month.
(Not to mention that I'm not far from running out of saved funnies anyway.)
-------------------------------
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant KKK Biker Gang assaulting this poor man. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this guy.
Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent man alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
-------------------------------
Henry
Recycling
----------------
(Picard) 'Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you
been able to access their command pathways?'
(Geordi) 'Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.'
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen)
(Riker looks puzzled) 'What the hell is 'Microsoft'?' (Data turns to answer) 'Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.'
(Picard) 'But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?'
(Data) 'Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.'
(Picard) 'Excellent work. This is even better than the 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.'
......15 minutes later.......
(Data) 'Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.
(Geordi) 'Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for the increase.'
(Picard) 'Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.'
(Data) 'Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) 'Captain, we have no choice. We should begin evacuation.'
(Geordi, excited) Wait! I just detected their CPU capacity dropped to 0%!'
(Data looks at scanners) Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all of their CPU capacity.'
(Geordi) 'As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, our closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more 'windows' modules from something called 'The Microsoft Fun Pack.'
(Picard) How much time will that buy us?'
(Data) A time span of more than 6 hours, sir.'
(Geordi) 'Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.'
(Picard) 'Identify.'
(Data) 'It appears to have the markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.'
(Over the speakers) 'THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS.' (ship releases thousands of humanoid shaped objects towards the Borg cube.)
(Picard) 'My God! They're lawyers! How are they surviving?
(Data) 'They're wearing Armani; I find seeing lawyers odd. They were all hurled into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.'
(Riker) 'They're surrounding the ship and covering it will all kinds of papers.'
(Picard) I believe it's called 'red tape'. Turn the viewer off; even the Borg don't deserve that.'
----------------
Henry
(Picard) 'Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you
been able to access their command pathways?'
(Geordi) 'Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.'
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen)
(Riker looks puzzled) 'What the hell is 'Microsoft'?' (Data turns to answer) 'Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.'
(Picard) 'But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?'
(Data) 'Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.'
(Picard) 'Excellent work. This is even better than the 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.'
......15 minutes later.......
(Data) 'Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.
(Geordi) 'Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for the increase.'
(Picard) 'Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.'
(Data) 'Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) 'Captain, we have no choice. We should begin evacuation.'
(Geordi, excited) Wait! I just detected their CPU capacity dropped to 0%!'
(Data looks at scanners) Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all of their CPU capacity.'
(Geordi) 'As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, our closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more 'windows' modules from something called 'The Microsoft Fun Pack.'
(Picard) How much time will that buy us?'
(Data) A time span of more than 6 hours, sir.'
(Geordi) 'Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.'
(Picard) 'Identify.'
(Data) 'It appears to have the markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.'
(Over the speakers) 'THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS.' (ship releases thousands of humanoid shaped objects towards the Borg cube.)
(Picard) 'My God! They're lawyers! How are they surviving?
(Data) 'They're wearing Armani; I find seeing lawyers odd. They were all hurled into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.'
(Riker) 'They're surrounding the ship and covering it will all kinds of papers.'
(Picard) I believe it's called 'red tape'. Turn the viewer off; even the Borg don't deserve that.'
----------------
Henry
------------------
30 Ways to annoy people and have a good time. . . . .
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
35. Miscount the number of items in a list in an email.
------------------
Henry
30 Ways to annoy people and have a good time. . . . .
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
35. Miscount the number of items in a list in an email.
------------------
Henry
----------------
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
----------------
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
----------------
Henry
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
----------------
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
----------------
Henry
Subject: Classic Quotes
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
* Lily Tomlin
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again.'
I'm thinking, I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
* Larry Miller
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Piton
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
* Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
* Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
* Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
* Dick Cavett
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
* Jon Stewart
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
* Jack Mayberry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
* Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a Congressman."
* Bruce Baum
"It was a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
* Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
* Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
* Rita Mae Brown
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
* David Letterman
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson
--------------------------
Henry
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
* Lily Tomlin
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again.'
I'm thinking, I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
* Larry Miller
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Piton
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
* Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
* Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
* Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
* Dick Cavett
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
* Jon Stewart
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
* Jack Mayberry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
* Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a Congressman."
* Bruce Baum
"It was a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
* Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
* Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
* Rita Mae Brown
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
* David Letterman
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson
--------------------------
Henry
---------------
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, he E-Mails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your E-Mail buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-Mail instead of in person.
Author Unknown
---------------
Henry
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, he E-Mails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your E-Mail buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-Mail instead of in person.
Author Unknown
---------------
Henry
> >
> >Southern Computer Glossary
> >
> >
> >Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
> >Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
> >Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
> >Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro
> >Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
> >Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
> >Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
> >Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
> >Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
> >Diskette - Female Disco dancer
> >Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
> >Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
> >Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
> >Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
> >Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
> >Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
> >Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
> >Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
> >Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
> >Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
> >Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
> >ROM - Where the pope lives
> >Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
> >Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
> >Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
> >SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
> --
Henry
> >Southern Computer Glossary
> >
> >
> >Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
> >Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
> >Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
> >Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro
> >Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
> >Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
> >Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
> >Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
> >Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
> >Diskette - Female Disco dancer
> >Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
> >Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
> >Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
> >Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
> >Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
> >Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
> >Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
> >Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
> >Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
> >Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
> >Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
> >ROM - Where the pope lives
> >Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
> >Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
> >Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
> >SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
> --
Henry
-----------------
Subject: Telemarketing
How to Handle Telemarketers
If you're like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell you something. And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling. A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.
"When do you expect us to call?" he said.
"At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody's home?"
That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable. Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I'd make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them. At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say, "I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?" I'd do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped, "You're just wasting my time."
"I guess that makes us even,"
I said. But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long. And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time. (OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)
So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and it's an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit. The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making these up.)
The phone rings.
"Hello, is this Michael Owen?"
Yes.
"Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?"
Fine, and you?
"I'm fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?"
"No."
"No one?"
Nope.
"Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?"
No.
"Not many?"
Nope. None.
"You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?"
No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, and my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.
(pause)
"Uh, Mr. Owen, you're using the phone right now."
(pause)
OH MY GOD! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! OH MY GOD!
Click.
You get the idea?
"Hello, this is Christi with Rollin' Hills photography studio. Would you be interested in a free family portrait?"
No, thank you.
"Not even for free?"
No, ma'am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.
"Really? That's nice."
Yes m'am, it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat naked around a camp fire for him to do it-so you can imagine what our Christmas cards look like - but hey, they're free.
Click.
"Hello, is this Mike Owen?"
Yep.
"Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami ..."
Not interested, thank you.
"Mr. Owen, it's free, if you and your ..."
'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton Hotels in the United States.
(I swear to God he then said:)
"So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?"
Yeah.
Click.
--------------
"Hello, is this Mr. Owen?"
Yo.
"How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?"
No thanks, I'm rich as hell.
Click.
--------------
You get the idea.
Now, before all you telephone sales folks get bent out of shape and write me nasty letters (or put me on some special "call him 10 times a day" list)
I want you to know I have a great deal of respect for sales people in general. Much of the stuff I buy, I buy from sales people. Some of my best friends are sales people. I would be proud for my daughter to marry a sales person. (Then HE could pay to fix her car.) In fact, I had an entertaining experience with a salesperson the other day; it just wasn't on the phone. A young lad was selling those chocolate bars that schools use to raise funds.
He asked if I'd like to buy one and I said sure, why not, pulled out a buck and handed it to him.
"What's the money for?" I asked.
He looked at me like I was a fool and said, "For the candy bar."
I guess I deserved that.
-----------------
Subject: Telephone Intelligence
My uncle Jerry just told us his latest response when they call to get him to switch long distance services.
He says, "I don't have a phone."
They usually say "Oh. I'm sorry." and hang up.
----------------------
Henry
Subject: Telemarketing
How to Handle Telemarketers
If you're like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell you something. And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling. A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.
"When do you expect us to call?" he said.
"At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody's home?"
That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable. Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I'd make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them. At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say, "I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?" I'd do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped, "You're just wasting my time."
"I guess that makes us even,"
I said. But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long. And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time. (OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)
So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and it's an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit. The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making these up.)
The phone rings.
"Hello, is this Michael Owen?"
Yes.
"Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?"
Fine, and you?
"I'm fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?"
"No."
"No one?"
Nope.
"Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?"
No.
"Not many?"
Nope. None.
"You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?"
No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, and my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.
(pause)
"Uh, Mr. Owen, you're using the phone right now."
(pause)
OH MY GOD! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! OH MY GOD!
Click.
You get the idea?
"Hello, this is Christi with Rollin' Hills photography studio. Would you be interested in a free family portrait?"
No, thank you.
"Not even for free?"
No, ma'am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.
"Really? That's nice."
Yes m'am, it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat naked around a camp fire for him to do it-so you can imagine what our Christmas cards look like - but hey, they're free.
Click.
"Hello, is this Mike Owen?"
Yep.
"Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami ..."
Not interested, thank you.
"Mr. Owen, it's free, if you and your ..."
'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton Hotels in the United States.
(I swear to God he then said:)
"So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?"
Yeah.
Click.
--------------
"Hello, is this Mr. Owen?"
Yo.
"How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?"
No thanks, I'm rich as hell.
Click.
--------------
You get the idea.
Now, before all you telephone sales folks get bent out of shape and write me nasty letters (or put me on some special "call him 10 times a day" list)
I want you to know I have a great deal of respect for sales people in general. Much of the stuff I buy, I buy from sales people. Some of my best friends are sales people. I would be proud for my daughter to marry a sales person. (Then HE could pay to fix her car.) In fact, I had an entertaining experience with a salesperson the other day; it just wasn't on the phone. A young lad was selling those chocolate bars that schools use to raise funds.
He asked if I'd like to buy one and I said sure, why not, pulled out a buck and handed it to him.
"What's the money for?" I asked.
He looked at me like I was a fool and said, "For the candy bar."
I guess I deserved that.
-----------------
Subject: Telephone Intelligence
My uncle Jerry just told us his latest response when they call to get him to switch long distance services.
He says, "I don't have a phone."
They usually say "Oh. I'm sorry." and hang up.
----------------------
Henry
__________________________________
Subject: Fwd: Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
__________________________________
Henry
Subject: Fwd: Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
__________________________________
Henry
I think the honorable mention should be the grand prize. Tell the truth I didn't understand the 'theory' of buttered cat and a monorail. The rest were quite good. The Yawn Theory was quite funny.....is that on the same plane as the Chaos Theory?
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......