-------------
Why golf courses have 18 holes.
I am not a fan of golf, but this does bring up some good points.
Why golf courses have 18 holes.
The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in it's proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
The following truisms may shed some light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30.
The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.
Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
And Finally a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
-------------
Henry
Recycling
---------------------------------------
Posted Tuesday, June 1, 2004 @ 06:55 PM
MONEY
Money
It can buy a house,
But not a home.
It can buy a clock,
But not time
It can buy you a position,
But not respect.
It can buy you a bed,
But not sleep.
It can buy you a book,
But not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine,
But not health.
It can buy you blood,
But not life.
So you see, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your friend.
And, as your friend, I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!
So ............
Send me all your money,
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
Henry
Posted Tuesday, June 1, 2004 @ 06:55 PM
MONEY
Money
It can buy a house,
But not a home.
It can buy a clock,
But not time
It can buy you a position,
But not respect.
It can buy you a bed,
But not sleep.
It can buy you a book,
But not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine,
But not health.
It can buy you blood,
But not life.
So you see, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your friend.
And, as your friend, I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!
So ............
Send me all your money,
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
Posted Wednesday, April 7, 2004 @ 05:56 PM
IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
Henry
Posted Wednesday, April 7, 2004 @ 05:56 PM
IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
Henry
--------------------------------------
Posted Sunday, May 16, 2004 @ 04:56 AM
From NETSCAPE'S WHAT'S NEW.
The No. 1 Most Irritating Cliché
We hear them 24/7. But at the end of the day, which cliché makes you want to scream? With all due respect, figuring this out is not rocket science. At least, that's what a group called the Plain English Campaign thought. Led by John Lister, it surveyed more than 5,000 English-speaking people in 70 countries to determine the most annoying clichés of all time.
And the No. 1 most annoying cliché is: "at the end of the day."
And that is so right! There is nothing more annoying than a serious business executive standing before a room of bored employees droning on about "at the end of the day....blah blah blah." Folks just stop listening when those words are uttered. Which is exactly Lister's point about clichés. "When readers or listeners come across these tired expressions, they start tuning out and completely miss the message--assuming there is one," he told The Associated Press. "Using these terms in daily business is about as professional as wearing a novelty tie or having a wacky ringtone on your phone." Since he surveyed people in 70 countries, Lister expected geographical variations. He was surprised. The same tired old phrases are universally annoying around the world.
The Most Irritating Clichés:
1. At the end of the day
2. At this moment in time
3. The constant use of "like," as if it were a form of punctuation
4. With all due respect
Irritating Cliché Runners-Up:
--24/7
--absolutely
--address the issue
--awesome
--ballpark figure
--bear with me
--between a rock and a hard place
--blue-sky thinking
--bottom line
--crack troops
--glass half full (or half empty)
--I hear what you're saying
--in terms of
--it's not rocket science
--literally
--move the goal posts
--on a weekly basis
--ongoing
--singing from the same hymn sheet
--the fact of the matter is
--thinking outside the box
--to be honest with you
--touch base
--------------------------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------------------------
An Example Of Good Writing
WE MUST absolutely address the issue about THE awesome ballpark figure. bear with me, WE ARE between a rock and a hard place AND MUST GET OUT OF THIS WITH blue-sky thinking ABOUT THE bottom line. WE MUST SEND crack troops TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER THE glass half full (or half empty). I hear what you're saying in terms of THE FACT THAT it's not rocket science, literally. WE MUST move the goal posts on a weekly basis IN OUR ongoing EFFORTS TO BE singing from the same hymn sheet.
the fact of the matter is THAT WE ARE thinking outside the box. to be honest with you, WE MUST touch base REGULARLY, IN FACT WE MUST DO SO --24/7
AGREE?
--------------------------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------------------------
Well, let's run it up the flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
Have your people call mine and we'll do lunch.
Caio'.
--------------------------------------
Lee
--------------------------------------
Henry
Posted Sunday, May 16, 2004 @ 04:56 AM
From NETSCAPE'S WHAT'S NEW.
The No. 1 Most Irritating Cliché
We hear them 24/7. But at the end of the day, which cliché makes you want to scream? With all due respect, figuring this out is not rocket science. At least, that's what a group called the Plain English Campaign thought. Led by John Lister, it surveyed more than 5,000 English-speaking people in 70 countries to determine the most annoying clichés of all time.
And the No. 1 most annoying cliché is: "at the end of the day."
And that is so right! There is nothing more annoying than a serious business executive standing before a room of bored employees droning on about "at the end of the day....blah blah blah." Folks just stop listening when those words are uttered. Which is exactly Lister's point about clichés. "When readers or listeners come across these tired expressions, they start tuning out and completely miss the message--assuming there is one," he told The Associated Press. "Using these terms in daily business is about as professional as wearing a novelty tie or having a wacky ringtone on your phone." Since he surveyed people in 70 countries, Lister expected geographical variations. He was surprised. The same tired old phrases are universally annoying around the world.
The Most Irritating Clichés:
1. At the end of the day
2. At this moment in time
3. The constant use of "like," as if it were a form of punctuation
4. With all due respect
Irritating Cliché Runners-Up:
--24/7
--absolutely
--address the issue
--awesome
--ballpark figure
--bear with me
--between a rock and a hard place
--blue-sky thinking
--bottom line
--crack troops
--glass half full (or half empty)
--I hear what you're saying
--in terms of
--it's not rocket science
--literally
--move the goal posts
--on a weekly basis
--ongoing
--singing from the same hymn sheet
--the fact of the matter is
--thinking outside the box
--to be honest with you
--touch base
--------------------------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------------------------
An Example Of Good Writing
WE MUST absolutely address the issue about THE awesome ballpark figure. bear with me, WE ARE between a rock and a hard place AND MUST GET OUT OF THIS WITH blue-sky thinking ABOUT THE bottom line. WE MUST SEND crack troops TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER THE glass half full (or half empty). I hear what you're saying in terms of THE FACT THAT it's not rocket science, literally. WE MUST move the goal posts on a weekly basis IN OUR ongoing EFFORTS TO BE singing from the same hymn sheet.
the fact of the matter is THAT WE ARE thinking outside the box. to be honest with you, WE MUST touch base REGULARLY, IN FACT WE MUST DO SO --24/7
AGREE?
--------------------------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------------------------
Well, let's run it up the flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
Have your people call mine and we'll do lunch.
Caio'.
--------------------------------------
Lee
--------------------------------------
Henry
--------------------
Progress:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
(courtesy of Readers' Digest)
These two green beans are crossing the freeway when one of them is hit by an 18-wheeler. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor says "I have good news and bad news."
The healthy green bean says, "Okay, give me the good news first."
"Well, he's going to live."
"So, what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
--------------------
Four Jack Rabbits are strolling in the prairie. Out of nowhere, a gang of coyotes begins to chase them. So the rabbits run under a huge cactus for refuge.
Then the hungry coyotes surround the cactus. One jack rabbit says to another, "Okay, should we make a run for it, or wait till we outnumber them?"
--------------------
"A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, "All right, pal, I'll let you stay, but don't start anything."
--------------------
Henry
Progress:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
--------------------
Roger Stegman
--------------------
(courtesy of Readers' Digest)
These two green beans are crossing the freeway when one of them is hit by an 18-wheeler. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor says "I have good news and bad news."
The healthy green bean says, "Okay, give me the good news first."
"Well, he's going to live."
"So, what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
--------------------
Four Jack Rabbits are strolling in the prairie. Out of nowhere, a gang of coyotes begins to chase them. So the rabbits run under a huge cactus for refuge.
Then the hungry coyotes surround the cactus. One jack rabbit says to another, "Okay, should we make a run for it, or wait till we outnumber them?"
--------------------
"A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, "All right, pal, I'll let you stay, but don't start anything."
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
--------------------
Henry
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.â€
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.â€
--------------------
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
--------------------
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
--------------------
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age, experience, and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!
--------------------
Henry
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
--------------------
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
--------------------
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age, experience, and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.
The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
--------------------
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "What is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."
--------------------
A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic.
"What do you want that for?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband," she replies. "He's having an affair with another woman."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband," says the pharmacist, "even if he is cheating."
The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
--------------------
A little kid walks into a movie theater one day. At the counter, he buys one ticket and then goes in. All of a sudden, he comes back out and buys another one. The man at the counter asks 'Why do you want another one?' The kid replies 'Because that man over there ripped the other one!'
--------------------
Question: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Answer: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
--------------------
Henry
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.
The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
--------------------
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "What is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."
--------------------
A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic.
"What do you want that for?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband," she replies. "He's having an affair with another woman."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband," says the pharmacist, "even if he is cheating."
The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
--------------------
A little kid walks into a movie theater one day. At the counter, he buys one ticket and then goes in. All of a sudden, he comes back out and buys another one. The man at the counter asks 'Why do you want another one?' The kid replies 'Because that man over there ripped the other one!'
--------------------
Question: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Answer: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
Home » Politically Incorrect » Root
Excuse Me
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?
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The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian man, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train.
Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
The young woman thought: "Isn't that odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?"
The old lady thought: "That is a good girl with fine morals."
The Russian officer thought: "That Czech is a smart fellow; he steals a kiss and I get slapped."
The Czeck thought: "Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, clout a Russian officer, and get away with it."
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Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Henry
Home » Politically Incorrect » Root
Excuse Me
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?
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The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian man, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train.
Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
The young woman thought: "Isn't that odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?"
The old lady thought: "That is a good girl with fine morals."
The Russian officer thought: "That Czech is a smart fellow; he steals a kiss and I get slapped."
The Czeck thought: "Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, clout a Russian officer, and get away with it."
--------------------
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Henry
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A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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*What boots up must come down.
*Fax is stranger than fiction.
*Don't byte off more than you can view.
*The geek shall inherit the earth.
*The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
*Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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Hitchhiking on a dark night, a man sees a car coming toward him. When it stops, he hops in the passenger seat.
Noone is behind the wheel. But, suddenly, the car starts moving. The man looks down the road and sees a curve coming up. He panics and reaches for the steering wheel. But then a hand reaches through the window and turns the wheel, smoothly navigating the turn. Paralyzed with terror, the man watches as the hand appears before every curve.
When the car finally coasts to a stop, the man gets out and runs to a bar and tells everybody about his amazing experience.
Pretty soon, two guys walk into the bar. "Look, Pete," one says, "it's the guy who got in the car while we were pushing it."
--------------------
Henry
A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
--------------------
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
--------------------
*What boots up must come down.
*Fax is stranger than fiction.
*Don't byte off more than you can view.
*The geek shall inherit the earth.
*The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
*Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--------------------
Hitchhiking on a dark night, a man sees a car coming toward him. When it stops, he hops in the passenger seat.
Noone is behind the wheel. But, suddenly, the car starts moving. The man looks down the road and sees a curve coming up. He panics and reaches for the steering wheel. But then a hand reaches through the window and turns the wheel, smoothly navigating the turn. Paralyzed with terror, the man watches as the hand appears before every curve.
When the car finally coasts to a stop, the man gets out and runs to a bar and tells everybody about his amazing experience.
Pretty soon, two guys walk into the bar. "Look, Pete," one says, "it's the guy who got in the car while we were pushing it."
--------------------
Henry
lswot----------------
Two women were talking about their trips to Switzerland. The first woman asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.
"Not really", she replied. "I couldn't see much because of the mountains."
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Two tour groups visited England. They happened to rent a double-decker bus, with one group downstairs and the other upstairs. The downstairs group was singing and dancing and the group upstairs just sat there. Finally, one of the downstairs people went upstairs and asked why they weren't having as much fun. "It's easy for you to relax and have fun," said one of the upstairs guys, "You have a driver."
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"A woman had just taken her driving test when a police car came up behind them, sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you ARE driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to the test examiner. "Does this mean I failed my test?", she asked.
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Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
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A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off-limits for male students and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Any questions? A young man raised his hand and asked "How much is a season pass?"
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Help stamp out and eradicate unnecessary redundancy!
----------------
Eschew obfuscation!
----------------
Henry
Two women were talking about their trips to Switzerland. The first woman asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.
"Not really", she replied. "I couldn't see much because of the mountains."
----------------
Two tour groups visited England. They happened to rent a double-decker bus, with one group downstairs and the other upstairs. The downstairs group was singing and dancing and the group upstairs just sat there. Finally, one of the downstairs people went upstairs and asked why they weren't having as much fun. "It's easy for you to relax and have fun," said one of the upstairs guys, "You have a driver."
----------------
"A woman had just taken her driving test when a police car came up behind them, sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you ARE driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to the test examiner. "Does this mean I failed my test?", she asked.
----------------
Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
----------------
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
----------------
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off-limits for male students and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Any questions? A young man raised his hand and asked "How much is a season pass?"
----------------
Help stamp out and eradicate unnecessary redundancy!
----------------
Eschew obfuscation!
----------------
Henry