*****
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Anonymous
*****
These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears.
"Okay guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really tick these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster ticked off, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
*****
To celebrate their 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at Pebble Beach. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
The wife was hurt but said, "My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Honey, since we're being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met."
The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable liar! How could you? I trusted you! And to think that you've been hitting from the red tees all this time!"
*****
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the Disney Studios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a job as a tour guide.
And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer: "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh: "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make a darn good tour guide."
Interviewer: "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh: "Sounds fair."
Interviewer: "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh: "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer: "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."
Josh: "Pluto and Goofy."
Interviewer: "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh: "Sure did."
Interviewer: "Okay, name them."
*****
Henry
Recycling
*****
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
Galileo Galilei
*****
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
*****
For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks and then 50 lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
*****
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
John Morley
*****
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
A woman asks her husband, "How about going shopping with me?"
"I can't." he says. " I'm having a problem with my eyes."
"Oh? What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't see myself going to shopping with you."
*****
Henry
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
Galileo Galilei
*****
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
*****
For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks and then 50 lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
*****
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
John Morley
*****
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
A woman asks her husband, "How about going shopping with me?"
"I can't." he says. " I'm having a problem with my eyes."
"Oh? What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't see myself going to shopping with you."
*****
Henry
*****
Kim, in charge of the personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
She sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."
*****
Subject: Short Story Assignment
The girl was supposed to write a short story, in as few words as possible, for her college class. The instructions were that it had to include something regarding Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
*****
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK ...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break...
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
*****
The other day, Amy and I got into a petty argument. (I say it was petty. She said it was Armageddon.)
As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Amy finally said, "Look... I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
*****
Henry
Kim, in charge of the personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
She sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."
*****
Subject: Short Story Assignment
The girl was supposed to write a short story, in as few words as possible, for her college class. The instructions were that it had to include something regarding Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
*****
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK ...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break...
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
*****
The other day, Amy and I got into a petty argument. (I say it was petty. She said it was Armageddon.)
As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Amy finally said, "Look... I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
*****
Henry
Have you ever walked past a group of let's say 5 women who are all talking at the same time? Well I have. Lots of times. My question is just howinhell can any of them have any idea what the other 4 women are saying much less talking about?Henry J wrote:Now, what's that in English?
A man, OTOH, sitting on a chair/sofa/whatever reading (for the sake of example) a newspaper is obviosly doing nothing in the womens' opinion and should have absolutely no problem running a nonsensical errand just because he obviously wasn't thinking of anything while reading.
*****
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Jon Lithgow
*****
'Cash, check, or charge?' the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'Do you always carry your TV remote?' the cashier asked.
'No,' she replied. 'But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.'
*****
One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6 AM wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 a.m.!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel."
*****
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
*****
Henry
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Jon Lithgow
*****
'Cash, check, or charge?' the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'Do you always carry your TV remote?' the cashier asked.
'No,' she replied. 'But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.'
*****
One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6 AM wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 a.m.!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel."
*****
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
*****
Henry
Have you ever walked past a group of let's say 5 women who are all talking at the same time? Well I have. Lots of times. My question is just howinhell can any of them have any idea what the other 4 women are saying much less talking about?
We can also walk and chew gum at the same time. 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
*****
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
*****
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it!
*****
Henry
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
*****
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it!
*****
Henry
*****
To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.
Francis Crawford
*****
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
*****
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
*****
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
*****
Henry
To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.
Francis Crawford
*****
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
*****
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
*****
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
*****
Henry
*****
An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.
Amanpreet handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Preet!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"
*****
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
*****
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.
It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.
*****
My daughter enlisted in the Army after one year of college. Following boot camp, she was sent to Fort Eustis, Va., for training as a watercraft engineer.
She called home the first night after her arrival. "I've got some bad news and good news," she said. "The bad news is that I'm the only woman in a class of 28."
"So what's the good news?" I asked.
She replied, "I have my own room."
*****
Henry
An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.
Amanpreet handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Preet!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"
*****
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
*****
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.
It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.
*****
My daughter enlisted in the Army after one year of college. Following boot camp, she was sent to Fort Eustis, Va., for training as a watercraft engineer.
She called home the first night after her arrival. "I've got some bad news and good news," she said. "The bad news is that I'm the only woman in a class of 28."
"So what's the good news?" I asked.
She replied, "I have my own room."
*****
Henry