*****
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of £25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
*****
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
*****
Henry
Recycling
*****
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says,"Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
*****
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then they saw an old Jewish cowboy sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish cowboy said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jewish folks. They don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jewish cowboy, who's enjoying a cup of tea. The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool. You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jewish cowboy holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."
*****
Henry
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says,"Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
*****
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then they saw an old Jewish cowboy sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish cowboy said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jewish folks. They don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jewish cowboy, who's enjoying a cup of tea. The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool. You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jewish cowboy holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."
*****
Henry
Oy
lswot*****
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian Church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
*****
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
*****
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
*****
Henry
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian Church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
*****
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
*****
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
*****
Henry
*****
Baptism: Are you prepared for it?
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
*****
Playing it Safe!
The priest was preparing a man for his death. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
*****
Catholic Example
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired priest. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the priest asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the priest.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
*****
Henry
Baptism: Are you prepared for it?
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
*****
Playing it Safe!
The priest was preparing a man for his death. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
*****
Catholic Example
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired priest. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the priest asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the priest.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
*****
Henry
24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack
Access Control List (ACL)
The operating system file that gives users access to files and programs they have no good reason to access
Analyst, security
A mercenary paid vast sums of money to tell you that your systems can't be secured
Back door
A hacker's front door
Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it
BC/DR (Business Continuity/Disaster Recovery Planning)
An alternate spelling for "CISO"
Biometrics
Strong authentication mechanism that streamlines insider attacks
Bot
See "Zombie"
Business case
A creative writing project, the quality of which is directly proportional to your security budget
Client/server
Two types of easily hacked computers
Clean desk policy
What document users admit to ignoring during your intellectual property theft investigation
Confidentiality, integrity and availability
The three great myths of the Internet Age
Crackers
Hackers
Cryptography
The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to sensitive data with the aim of making Bruce Schneier exceedingly rich
Cybercrime
Crime
Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS)
See "Bot"
Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime
E-Commerce
A historical fad from the late '90s meant to generate hundreds of billions of dollars in new profits; the inciting factor that generated hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on security products
Firewalls
Speed bumps
Hackers
Self-righteous crackers
Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee
Identity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it
Intrusion Detection Systems (IDS)
Log file generators
JOOTT ("jute")
adj. Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most information security problems
Laptop
A computer designed to allow employees to easily store vast amounts of customer data in the backseat of a taxicab
Logging
The practice of filling shelves with printouts
Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron
Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets
Non-repudiation
The opposite of repudiation; repudiation, only not
O.S. hardening
An attempt to secure your operating system against the next hack by closing the hole used by the previous one
Passwords
Authentication tool that, when properly implemented, drives growth at the help desk
Patching
A mandatory fool's errand
Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood
PKI (Public-Key Infrastructure)
A system designed to transfer all of the complexities of strong authentication onto end users
Regression testing
The process by which you learn how the patches that fixed your system also broke your system
Road warriors
Traveling employees responsible for delivering malicious code back to headquarters
Scope creep
Stage three of the standard software development model
Security administrator
Firefighter
Security officer
Fall guy
Total Cost of Ownership (TCO)
In security, an incalculable number always equal to or greater than the budget
Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software
Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly
Worm
Similar to a virus, but different
Zombie
See "Distributed Denial of Service"
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
*****
(I can't vouch for the accuracy of this, but here it is anyway.
)
It seems that once upon a time, manure was shipped on boats from one point to another. The substance was allowed to dry to reduce weight. Then it was loaded in bales on the boat carrying it. Alas, however, at times water would splash into the bales and they would start to ferment down in the hold. This produces methane gas. If some hapless sailor were to approach these bales with a lit torch, an explosion would result and the ship would be lost.
So they started to label the bales with the note "Ship High in Transit." Meaning to load the bales high enough on the ship so that the water would not get to it and if it did, the methane gas would escape harmlessly into the air.
Eventually just the initials were used and it became an acronym. Hence the origin of the present day English word.
*****
Henry
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
*****
(I can't vouch for the accuracy of this, but here it is anyway.
)It seems that once upon a time, manure was shipped on boats from one point to another. The substance was allowed to dry to reduce weight. Then it was loaded in bales on the boat carrying it. Alas, however, at times water would splash into the bales and they would start to ferment down in the hold. This produces methane gas. If some hapless sailor were to approach these bales with a lit torch, an explosion would result and the ship would be lost.
So they started to label the bales with the note "Ship High in Transit." Meaning to load the bales high enough on the ship so that the water would not get to it and if it did, the methane gas would escape harmlessly into the air.
Eventually just the initials were used and it became an acronym. Hence the origin of the present day English word.
*****
Henry
(manure) Well.....ya never know.*****
Headlines:
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study on Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Air Head Fired, Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars Replaced By Alumni
Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
*****
Henry
Headlines:
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study on Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Air Head Fired, Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars Replaced By Alumni
Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
*****
Henry
***
LIFE ON THE FARM CAN BE PRETTY TOUGH
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.
Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed. The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" yelled the goat. The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."
***
Til Death Do We Part
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
***
Henry
LIFE ON THE FARM CAN BE PRETTY TOUGH
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.
Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed. The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" yelled the goat. The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."
***
Til Death Do We Part
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
***
Henry
***
Subject: A Redneck's Change In his Christmas Vacation Plans.....
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon.... when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation this Christmas.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti.... and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
***
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
***
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
***
The Sunday School teacher asked Sally, "Do you say prayers before eating?"
"No," she replied, "My mom is a good cook."
***
Five-year-old little Joey was staring intently at an elderly woman sitting behind him in church one day. Finally he got up the courage to ask how old she was (a question that shocked and embarrassed his parents). The elderly woman smiled and said, "Why, I'm 39 and holding." Joey thought a few moments and then asked, "Well how old would you be if you let go?"
***
Henry
Subject: A Redneck's Change In his Christmas Vacation Plans.....
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon.... when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation this Christmas.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti.... and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
***
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
***
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
***
The Sunday School teacher asked Sally, "Do you say prayers before eating?"
"No," she replied, "My mom is a good cook."
***
Five-year-old little Joey was staring intently at an elderly woman sitting behind him in church one day. Finally he got up the courage to ask how old she was (a question that shocked and embarrassed his parents). The elderly woman smiled and said, "Why, I'm 39 and holding." Joey thought a few moments and then asked, "Well how old would you be if you let go?"
***
Henry
***
Duct Tape is a lot like the Force (i.e. Star Wars). It has a Light side and a Dark side, and it holds the Universe together.
***
Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Ash!
Ash WHO?
Gesundheit!
***
The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six-pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.
Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George.
George answered, . . .
...."No man should be ashamed of his convictions."
(Stan Kegel)
*****
I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
*****
Henry
Duct Tape is a lot like the Force (i.e. Star Wars). It has a Light side and a Dark side, and it holds the Universe together.
***
Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Ash!
Ash WHO?
Gesundheit!
***
The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six-pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.
Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George.
George answered, . . .
...."No man should be ashamed of his convictions."
(Stan Kegel)
*****
I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
*****
Henry
*****
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
*****
What did the skunk say when the wind changed?
It all comes back to me now.
*****
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea saw.
*****
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West (1892-1980)
*****
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
*****
Henry
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
*****
What did the skunk say when the wind changed?
It all comes back to me now.
*****
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea saw.
*****
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West (1892-1980)
*****
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
*****
Henry
*****
When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.
Nigerian Proverb
*****
You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far.
Uncle Remus
*****
I called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers.
"How much do you weigh, sir?" asked the clerk.
"With or without clothes?" I asked.
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
*****
I remember taking my youngest for a immunization shot once. She was about four. The nurse came into the room and Spud immediately started screaming, "NO NO NO NO!"
"Spud," I said, "that's not polite behavior.
She started hollering even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!"
*****
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed," he replied. "The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife wouldn't let him attend tonight."
*****
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.
A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
*****
Henry
When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.
Nigerian Proverb
*****
You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far.
Uncle Remus
*****
I called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers.
"How much do you weigh, sir?" asked the clerk.
"With or without clothes?" I asked.
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
*****
I remember taking my youngest for a immunization shot once. She was about four. The nurse came into the room and Spud immediately started screaming, "NO NO NO NO!"
"Spud," I said, "that's not polite behavior.
She started hollering even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!"
*****
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed," he replied. "The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife wouldn't let him attend tonight."
*****
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.
A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
*****
Henry
*****
If you want to avoid domestic strife, don't marry in January, or any other month either.
*****
E==MC2 means Energy==morning X 2 cups of coffee.
*****
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
*****
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.
"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
*****
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."
*****
Pun of the Day:
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the stainless stealer.
*****
The Riddle of the Day:
What kind of beat do mathematicians like to dance to?
Logarithms.
*****
Henry
If you want to avoid domestic strife, don't marry in January, or any other month either.
*****
E==MC2 means Energy==morning X 2 cups of coffee.
*****
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
*****
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.
"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
*****
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."
*****
Pun of the Day:
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the stainless stealer.
*****
The Riddle of the Day:
What kind of beat do mathematicians like to dance to?
Logarithms.
*****
Henry