Alice in Borgland: Alice is captured by the Borg and now they are all looking for the white rabbit.
Resistance is futile.
Recycling
lswot
*****
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"
*****
Henry
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"
*****
Henry
*****
"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"
An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
*****
A man was walking along the beach in California one day, thinking to himself and doing his best to sort out his life and pray for happiness. He stopped and looked up to the sky, looking for a sign of his faith, and said, "Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one wish."
Suddenly there was a crack of lightning in the sky and in a booming voice echoed from above, saying, "Man, you have done your best to be faithful, though you have not always succeeded. I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish."
The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The voice boomed, "Think of what this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me."
The man sat down on the sand and thought about it. Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said I was insensitive and ignorant..."
"Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then another... and another.
?
?
?
Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
*****
Henry
"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"
An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
*****
A man was walking along the beach in California one day, thinking to himself and doing his best to sort out his life and pray for happiness. He stopped and looked up to the sky, looking for a sign of his faith, and said, "Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one wish."
Suddenly there was a crack of lightning in the sky and in a booming voice echoed from above, saying, "Man, you have done your best to be faithful, though you have not always succeeded. I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish."
The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The voice boomed, "Think of what this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me."
The man sat down on the sand and thought about it. Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said I was insensitive and ignorant..."
"Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then another... and another.
?
?
?
Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
*****
Henry
To follow up on some comments made recently on another thread: 
*****
A minister had three sons, and one had knocked over the outhouse. This made the minister furious. He spent hours in there, praying, writing sermons, kind of a second study ... and now it was on its side.
He asked each boy whether he'd knocked over the outhouse, and each denied it.
So he said, "Boys, when George Washington was a little boy he took his little red hatchet and chopped down his father's cherry tree. When asked about it he said, 'I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little red hatchet.' Because he told the truth, he wasn't punished. Now, which of you knocked over my outhouse?"
The youngest boy bowed his head and said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I knocked over your outhouse." Hearing this the minister took a willow switch and spanked the boy but good.
Tearfully the boy said "Daddy, what about George Washington?" The minister said, "Boy, George's daddy wasn't sitting in that tree when George chopped it down!"
*****
The story is told of an Air Force C-141 cargo jet preparing to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland. Time: Midnight. Temperature: 20 below.
As the crew performed the pre-flight checks they saw that the latrine had not been emptied since the last flight. So a young airman was called out of his bed to perform this duty. After dealing with a frozen pump, the job was finally complete at 2:30 in the morning.
The pilot said "Son, you've made us late for our takeoff. I'm going to see you're not only reprimanded, but punished."
He replied, "Sir, I have one stripe, and I've been at Thule for 11 months without taking leave. It's 20 below, and I was called out of my bed to pump sewage from an aircraft in the middle of the night. Now just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"
*****
An old hillbilly couple was sitting in their old shack one day when Ma hollered "Pa, the outhouse is busted. Git out there and fix it."
"Aw Ma, I was down there this morning, ain't nuthin' wrong with that outhouse."
"PAAA, git out there and fix it!"
So he traipsed out there, and hollered from the outhouse, "Ma, ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"Ya can't tell just by lookin' at it Pa, ya gotta stick yer hade in the hole."
"Ma, I ain't stickin' my hade in that hole."
"PAAAAAAA!!!!"
Sticking his head in the hole he hollers, "Ma, ever thangs as it should be down here. Ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"No Pa, ya gotta pull your hade out to really tell."
A few minutes of silence pass..."Ma, I can't get my hade out. My beard is hung up on the cracks in the seat."
"Yep, them cracks hurt don't they?"
*****
Henry
*****
A minister had three sons, and one had knocked over the outhouse. This made the minister furious. He spent hours in there, praying, writing sermons, kind of a second study ... and now it was on its side.
He asked each boy whether he'd knocked over the outhouse, and each denied it.
So he said, "Boys, when George Washington was a little boy he took his little red hatchet and chopped down his father's cherry tree. When asked about it he said, 'I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little red hatchet.' Because he told the truth, he wasn't punished. Now, which of you knocked over my outhouse?"
The youngest boy bowed his head and said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I knocked over your outhouse." Hearing this the minister took a willow switch and spanked the boy but good.
Tearfully the boy said "Daddy, what about George Washington?" The minister said, "Boy, George's daddy wasn't sitting in that tree when George chopped it down!"
*****
The story is told of an Air Force C-141 cargo jet preparing to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland. Time: Midnight. Temperature: 20 below.
As the crew performed the pre-flight checks they saw that the latrine had not been emptied since the last flight. So a young airman was called out of his bed to perform this duty. After dealing with a frozen pump, the job was finally complete at 2:30 in the morning.
The pilot said "Son, you've made us late for our takeoff. I'm going to see you're not only reprimanded, but punished."
He replied, "Sir, I have one stripe, and I've been at Thule for 11 months without taking leave. It's 20 below, and I was called out of my bed to pump sewage from an aircraft in the middle of the night. Now just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"
*****
An old hillbilly couple was sitting in their old shack one day when Ma hollered "Pa, the outhouse is busted. Git out there and fix it."
"Aw Ma, I was down there this morning, ain't nuthin' wrong with that outhouse."
"PAAA, git out there and fix it!"
So he traipsed out there, and hollered from the outhouse, "Ma, ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"Ya can't tell just by lookin' at it Pa, ya gotta stick yer hade in the hole."
"Ma, I ain't stickin' my hade in that hole."
"PAAAAAAA!!!!"
Sticking his head in the hole he hollers, "Ma, ever thangs as it should be down here. Ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"No Pa, ya gotta pull your hade out to really tell."
A few minutes of silence pass..."Ma, I can't get my hade out. My beard is hung up on the cracks in the seat."
"Yep, them cracks hurt don't they?"
*****
Henry
*****
To the Church Council from the Pastoral Search Committee:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle oney. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
*****
Henry
To the Church Council from the Pastoral Search Committee:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle oney. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
*****
Henry
*****
*Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear*
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain???
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window???
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)
*****
WHY GOD GAVE THE JEWS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
This is the little-known tale of how GOd came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a
commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
*****
Henry
*Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear*
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain???
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window???
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)
*****
WHY GOD GAVE THE JEWS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
This is the little-known tale of how GOd came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a
commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
*****
Henry
*****
My dad was a church planter, so the atmosphere in those early days with just a few people was... casual.
From time to time he'd have a certain little girl take the offering. She would hold the plate in people's faces until they dropped something in. There were no exceptions. Everyone gave. Well, her parents made her stop that practice.
Then one Sunday she brought the plate to the front, and my dad jokingly asked, "did we get enough?" She shook her head and said, "my daddy didn't put anything in!"
*****
It was a year of the olympics...... can't recall the year exactly. The men's group decided it was time to play a prank on our prank playing pastor. a bunch of us knew what was going to happen. These particular men sat in the balcony this Sunday morning. Near to the end of the sermon, Pastor seem to be acting strangly.... as in trying to hide fits of laughter. Unbeknowst to most of the congregation... the men had stood in the balcony with large cards...... rating the sermon from 1-10 like they do in the olympics!
*****
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached on the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: "Energy Efficient Vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust!"
*****
A car full of people was going down the road and soon it went into a tunnel. Everybody started screaming. Later they all went to a shrink to try to figure out why they all were afraid when they went into the tunnel. The Psych said it was an easy case. They were all suffering from car full tunnel syndrome.
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Henry
My dad was a church planter, so the atmosphere in those early days with just a few people was... casual.
From time to time he'd have a certain little girl take the offering. She would hold the plate in people's faces until they dropped something in. There were no exceptions. Everyone gave. Well, her parents made her stop that practice.
Then one Sunday she brought the plate to the front, and my dad jokingly asked, "did we get enough?" She shook her head and said, "my daddy didn't put anything in!"
*****
It was a year of the olympics...... can't recall the year exactly. The men's group decided it was time to play a prank on our prank playing pastor. a bunch of us knew what was going to happen. These particular men sat in the balcony this Sunday morning. Near to the end of the sermon, Pastor seem to be acting strangly.... as in trying to hide fits of laughter. Unbeknowst to most of the congregation... the men had stood in the balcony with large cards...... rating the sermon from 1-10 like they do in the olympics!
*****
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached on the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: "Energy Efficient Vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust!"
*****
A car full of people was going down the road and soon it went into a tunnel. Everybody started screaming. Later they all went to a shrink to try to figure out why they all were afraid when they went into the tunnel. The Psych said it was an easy case. They were all suffering from car full tunnel syndrome.
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Henry
Alert:
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally
and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone
else via
Any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private
life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your
jacket on and take 2 Good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the
antidote
known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is
only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent
Is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote
repeatedly Until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends
you Have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This
virus Is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded
that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for
WINE but may require a more generous application.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTICE:
This electronic mail transmission contains confidential information
including Protected Health Information(PHI)that is legally privileged.
If you are not the intended recipient, or designee, you are hereby
notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of any and
all attachments to this transmission is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you
have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender
immediately to arrange for return or destruction of these documents.
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally
and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone
else via
Any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private
life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your
jacket on and take 2 Good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the
antidote
known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is
only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent
Is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote
repeatedly Until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends
you Have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This
virus Is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded
that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for
WINE but may require a more generous application.
CONFIDENTIAL NOTICE:
This electronic mail transmission contains confidential information
including Protected Health Information(PHI)that is legally privileged.
If you are not the intended recipient, or designee, you are hereby
notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of any and
all attachments to this transmission is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you
have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender
immediately to arrange for return or destruction of these documents.
*****
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
*****
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*****
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
*****
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
*****
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*****
My grandson was visiting one day when he sked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*****
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*****
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
*****
Henry
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
*****
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*****
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
*****
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
*****
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*****
My grandson was visiting one day when he sked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*****
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*****
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
*****
Henry
*****
Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
*******
Henry
Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
*******
Henry
*****
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
*****
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
*****
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".
*****
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one either ??
*****
Henry
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
*****
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
*****
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".
*****
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one either ??
*****
Henry
*****
A man and a women stole a Krispy Creme donut truck from a store parking lot. As they drove merrily upon their way, they did not realize that the back doors of the truck were open. They left a 15 mile trail of donuts and were consequently pulled over and arrested.
*****
How to call the Police... A True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi Star:
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that no one was available at this time, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one became available..
George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and then phoned the Police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, 2 Armed Response units, a Helicopter and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
The police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
***********
Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.
Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
*****
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
*****
Henry
A man and a women stole a Krispy Creme donut truck from a store parking lot. As they drove merrily upon their way, they did not realize that the back doors of the truck were open. They left a 15 mile trail of donuts and were consequently pulled over and arrested.
*****
How to call the Police... A True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi Star:
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that no one was available at this time, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one became available..
George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and then phoned the Police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, 2 Armed Response units, a Helicopter and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
The police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
***********
Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.
Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
*****
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
*****
Henry