********
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
********
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician." replied Johnny.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!," exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?""
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
*******
A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.
"Too much trouble," he responded.
********
Henry
Recycling
*****
CONFUCIUS SAY ...
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
*****
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for ten minutes about the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl raised her hand and spoke up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
*****
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look, mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving hearses for the past 25 years"
*****
A defense attorney said to the judge, "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
Speaking through an interpreter, the Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "Sir, how much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, ..."Give me your wallet!"
*****
Henry
CONFUCIUS SAY ...
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
*****
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for ten minutes about the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl raised her hand and spoke up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
*****
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look, mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving hearses for the past 25 years"
*****
A defense attorney said to the judge, "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
Speaking through an interpreter, the Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "Sir, how much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, ..."Give me your wallet!"
*****
Henry
New Definitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
*****
Henry
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
*****
Henry
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: Subordinate Claus.
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****
Henry
A: Santa Claus-trophbia.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: Subordinate Claus.
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****
Henry
*****
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When Little Johnny's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*****
Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer
(Probably from the "Top 10" list)
10. You have to pedal it.
9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.
8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.
4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.
3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.
2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.
And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...
1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur.
*****
Henry
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When Little Johnny's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*****
Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer
(Probably from the "Top 10" list)
10. You have to pedal it.
9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.
8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.
4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.
3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.
2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.
And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...
1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur.
*****
Henry
Buyer Beware 
lswot.........
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this because she finds it fun and because drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.
We had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this unusual, since she had never expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.
I reached over to turn on the scope, failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of a 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her clevage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! Subject closed! I'll be back at five. Bye."
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignomity. 1:30. "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. Not just any boss. Nooooooo. It was Mr. Narrowminded himself.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splender. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.
Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a siezure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally he spoke.
"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.
"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work
The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
.........
Henry
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this because she finds it fun and because drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.
We had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this unusual, since she had never expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.
I reached over to turn on the scope, failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of a 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her clevage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! Subject closed! I'll be back at five. Bye."
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignomity. 1:30. "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. Not just any boss. Nooooooo. It was Mr. Narrowminded himself.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splender. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.
Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a siezure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally he spoke.
"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.
"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work
The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
.........
Henry
That was a shocker! 
******
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.
"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."
"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."
"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
******
A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister.
The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the man.
The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said,"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the man again.
Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
******
A burglar broke into the house of an Amish man in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Amish man heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.
When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but Thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
******
Henry
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.
"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."
"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."
"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
******
A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister.
The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the man.
The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said,"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the man again.
Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
******
A burglar broke into the house of an Amish man in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Amish man heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.
When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but Thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
******
Henry
*****
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
*****
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
*****
A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, exposed her very large breast and guided the nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.
"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.
"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
*****
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
*****
Henry
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
*****
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
*****
A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, exposed her very large breast and guided the nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.
"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.
"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
*****
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
*****
Henry
*****
Kid's rules for life....
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, Age 11
*****
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just can't Remember It All
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money
23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25. Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28. The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt
29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
*****
Henry
Kid's rules for life....
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, Age 11
*****
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just can't Remember It All
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money
23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25. Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28. The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt
29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
*****
Henry
****
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"
****
Q. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Approximately 1.00000000000000001
---------------
Q. How does Luke Skywalker get from one planet to another?
A. Ewoks
****
Henry
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"
****
Q. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Approximately 1.00000000000000001
---------------
Q. How does Luke Skywalker get from one planet to another?
A. Ewoks
****
Henry
****
Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes!
How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb ? Approximately one point zero zero zero zero...
How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ? The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !
How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb ? None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!
Q) What do they do with the dead bulb?
A) Execute it for failure.
Q) What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A) Execute him for cowardice.
How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ? Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
How many Q does it take to change a light bulb ? Here, now, wouldn't you rather have this supernova?
How many CHANGELINGS does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it will actually change INTO a light bulb.
How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ? 1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......
How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.
How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to moan, "Darkness, I sense darkness!"
How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.
How many DOCTOR McCOY'S does it take to change a light bulb? "Damn it, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"
****
Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed Jim.
Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.
Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.
Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch?
McCoy: He's shed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.
Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim.
Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones?
McCoy: He's Led, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: He's Fed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim.
KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim.
Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a laser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.
****
Henry
Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes!
How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb ? Approximately one point zero zero zero zero...
How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ? The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !
How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb ? None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!
Q) What do they do with the dead bulb?
A) Execute it for failure.
Q) What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A) Execute him for cowardice.
How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ? Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
How many Q does it take to change a light bulb ? Here, now, wouldn't you rather have this supernova?
How many CHANGELINGS does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it will actually change INTO a light bulb.
How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ? 1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......
How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.
How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to moan, "Darkness, I sense darkness!"
How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.
How many DOCTOR McCOY'S does it take to change a light bulb? "Damn it, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"
****
Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed Jim.
Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.
Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.
Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch?
McCoy: He's shed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.
Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim.
Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones?
McCoy: He's Led, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: He's Fed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim.
KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim.
Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a laser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.
****
Henry
============================
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer in your
company.
============================
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processor if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it read it in the original Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this defect you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
============================
Other entries:
"Our competitors are without honor!"
"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
============================
Henry
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer in your
company.
============================
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processor if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it read it in the original Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this defect you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
============================
Other entries:
"Our competitors are without honor!"
"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
============================
Henry