"The Athiest and The Shark"
One day, an athiest was swimming in the ocean. He looks around him, and is seized with panic when he sees a shark swimming toward him. Frantically, he swims toward his boat.
He turns to see the jaws of the mammoth beast open to display rows of razor sharp teeth in all their horrific splendor.
The athiest screams, "Oh, God! Save Me!"
In an instant, time is frozen, and a bright light shines down from up above.
The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "YOU ARE AN ATHIEST. WHY DO YOU CALL UPON ME WHEN YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME?"
The athiest, confused, but knowing he can't lie replied, "Well, that's true. I don't believe in you. But, what about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "AS YOU WISH." and the light retracted back into the heavens, and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the man looks back, he can see the gigantic jaws of the shark close down upon him ... then, all of a sudden, the shark stops, and moves away.
The athiest feels the joy of relief, and lets out a sigh. God had kept His word...
The man turns, about to swim away, when he is shocked to see the shark close it's eyes, bow his head and say, "Bless this food, oh Lord, which I am about to receive..."
******
Henry
Recycling
lswotSayings that should be on buttons...
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
(Add to this: "Visualize getting a job!")
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Henry
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
(Add to this: "Visualize getting a job!")
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Henry
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a (censored) like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's...no, it's the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Henry
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a (censored) like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's...no, it's the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Henry
Subject: Clueless
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE... I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE... I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
It takes all kinds. 
Miscellaneous Material from the Internet Surfing of Steve Ingle, LMSC, and brought home by Dame Kay's husband:
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N?Q)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 = 2 = 5 for extrememly large value of 2.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--------- The information went data way ------------>
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology pathetically amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E PLURIBUS MODEM
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do witches use a spell checker?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th Commandment -- Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day -- 24 beers in a case -- coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
Who is General Failure and hy is he reading my disk?
Utlimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSII.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming -- and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Press any key -- no,no,no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit . . .
Sped up my XT; ran it on 200v! Works greO?_*"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
I hit the CTRL key. How come I'm still not in control?
Does the Information Highway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
******
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...
Two air is human; too really screw things up ewe needs a computer...
I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...
******
Henry
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N?Q)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 = 2 = 5 for extrememly large value of 2.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--------- The information went data way ------------>
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology pathetically amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E PLURIBUS MODEM
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do witches use a spell checker?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th Commandment -- Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day -- 24 beers in a case -- coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
Who is General Failure and hy is he reading my disk?
Utlimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSII.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming -- and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Press any key -- no,no,no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit . . .
Sped up my XT; ran it on 200v! Works greO?_*"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
I hit the CTRL key. How come I'm still not in control?
Does the Information Highway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
******
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...
Two air is human; too really screw things up ewe needs a computer...
I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...
******
Henry
Excerpted from an online BB:
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
*******
Henry
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
*******
Henry
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
(work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
******
Henry
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
(work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
******
Henry
* Entropy Isn't What It Used To Be.
* Everybody Looks Brave Holding A Machine Gun.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fight Crime, Shoot Back
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Good Health Is Merely The Slowest Possible Rate At Which One Can Die.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Guns Don't Kill People, They Just Make It Easier
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals;
I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* I'd Rather Be Over The Hill Than Under It.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Is A Tourist Season, Why Can't We Shoot Them
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?
******
Henry
* Everybody Looks Brave Holding A Machine Gun.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fight Crime, Shoot Back
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Good Health Is Merely The Slowest Possible Rate At Which One Can Die.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Guns Don't Kill People, They Just Make It Easier
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals;
I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* I'd Rather Be Over The Hill Than Under It.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Is A Tourist Season, Why Can't We Shoot Them
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?
******
Henry
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."
********
Henry
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."
********
Henry