"Friendship consists of only one soul; inhabiting two bodies."
- Aristotle
"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake."
- Aristotle
"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends."
- Euripides
"There's something beautiful about finding one's innermost thoughts in another."
- Oliver Schreiner
~~~~
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
--Will Rogers
~~~~
Unlikely Greeting Card:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
What the heck was I thinking?"
~~~~
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
~~~~
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
One of the girls replied "Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?"
*********
A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?"
"Where did you find that?" he stutters.
"I didn't," she answers.
"The mail man found it on your night-stand."
***********
Henry
Recycling
Why A Dog Is Better Than A Cat
1. Dog will tilt his head and try to understand every word you say. Cat will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cat looks silly on a leash.
3. When you come into the Laugh Lounge office, Dog will be happy and lick your face. Cat will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dog will give you unconditional love until the day he dies. Cat will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. Dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cat doesn't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dog will bring you your slippers. Cat will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, Dog will sit on the seat next to you. Cat has to have their own private basket, or she won't go at all.
8. Dog will come when you call him. And he'll be happy. Cat will have someone take a message and get back to you, maybe.
9. Dog will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing Cat will lay with all day long is small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dog will wake you up if the office is on fire. Cat will quietly sneak out the back door.
***********
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
*********
Jack came into the clubhouse one Sunday afternoon sporting a big black eye. "What happened to you?" asked one of his friends.
"Have you noticed that beautiful young woman who just joined the club?" Jack asked.
"Sure," said his friend. "Who hasn't?"
"I happened to be standing by the first tee when she came over and took the cover off her clubs."
"So?" said his friend.
"I told her it looked like she had a really nice set."
*********
Henry
1. Dog will tilt his head and try to understand every word you say. Cat will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cat looks silly on a leash.
3. When you come into the Laugh Lounge office, Dog will be happy and lick your face. Cat will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dog will give you unconditional love until the day he dies. Cat will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. Dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cat doesn't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dog will bring you your slippers. Cat will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, Dog will sit on the seat next to you. Cat has to have their own private basket, or she won't go at all.
8. Dog will come when you call him. And he'll be happy. Cat will have someone take a message and get back to you, maybe.
9. Dog will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing Cat will lay with all day long is small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dog will wake you up if the office is on fire. Cat will quietly sneak out the back door.
***********
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
*********
Jack came into the clubhouse one Sunday afternoon sporting a big black eye. "What happened to you?" asked one of his friends.
"Have you noticed that beautiful young woman who just joined the club?" Jack asked.
"Sure," said his friend. "Who hasn't?"
"I happened to be standing by the first tee when she came over and took the cover off her clubs."
"So?" said his friend.
"I told her it looked like she had a really nice set."
*********
Henry
Ads...
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
******
Henry
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
******
Henry
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble, set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble, set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
A LETTER TO DOGS AND CATS
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Subject: Your daily moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
************
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
*********
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
*********
Henry
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
************
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
*********
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
*********
Henry
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the KLOPMAN diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
********
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Darn woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
*********
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we've got forbidden fruit!!
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break, and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story: If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle - Take two and keep away from children.
********
Henry
"This is the KLOPMAN diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
********
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Darn woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
*********
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we've got forbidden fruit!!
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break, and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story: If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle - Take two and keep away from children.
********
Henry
"It takes a lot of practice for a girl to kiss like a beginner."
- Anonymous (Ladies Home Journal)
"You have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before you find a prince."
- Graffito
********
If they had computers in 1776:
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy
Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes?
OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....
***********
Henry
- Anonymous (Ladies Home Journal)
"You have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before you find a prince."
- Graffito
********
If they had computers in 1776:
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy
Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough.
Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes?
OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....
***********
Henry
lswotDo you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.
ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end.
Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Henry
ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end.
Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Henry
:preach: (oops, how'd that get in there?)Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if...
choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room
...in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday
...You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You know what <http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on buying your calculator than you did on buying your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
You window shop at Radio Shack
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
********
Henry
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if...
choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room
...in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday
...You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You know what <http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on buying your calculator than you did on buying your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
You window shop at Radio Shack
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
********
Henry
"The Book of Genesis"
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil created HMO's.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the devil created lite beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the
exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
*********
Henry
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil created HMO's.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the devil created lite beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the
exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
*********
Henry