*****
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Anonymous
*****
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
*****
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
*****
You have two choices in life You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
*****
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
*****
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex !!!
*****
I am thinking of putting the following on my answering machine:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
*****
......A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
*****
Henry
Recycling
I like the phone message....... 
lswot*****
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
*****
How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
*****
Henry
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
*****
How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
*****
Henry
*****
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
*****
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
*****
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
*****
Did ya heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is thar sumpin I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I knows where all the tools is, if ya wants to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "Ya'd have to talk to pa bout that", he conceded. "But if it helps ya eny, I knows pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the boar hawg but I really don know how much he gets fer Joe."
*****
Henry
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
*****
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
*****
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
*****
Did ya heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is thar sumpin I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I knows where all the tools is, if ya wants to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "Ya'd have to talk to pa bout that", he conceded. "But if it helps ya eny, I knows pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the boar hawg but I really don know how much he gets fer Joe."
*****
Henry
*****
Today's preliminary stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
.......and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
*****
Henry
Today's preliminary stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
.......and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
*****
Henry
*****
INVESTORS DICTIONARY
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you Step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally Between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs To the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God, yeah right.....
and...
Mezzanine financing--Shoplifting merchandise at the department store to sell on the street, so you can eat tonight.
Float--What you do after hurling yourself off a bridge.
Revolving finance--Using one credit card to pay off the minimum payment(s) on (an)other(s).
Capital--A safe building to sleep outside of, since they have a security patrol.
*****
Henry
INVESTORS DICTIONARY
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you Step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally Between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs To the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God, yeah right.....
and...
Mezzanine financing--Shoplifting merchandise at the department store to sell on the street, so you can eat tonight.
Float--What you do after hurling yourself off a bridge.
Revolving finance--Using one credit card to pay off the minimum payment(s) on (an)other(s).
Capital--A safe building to sleep outside of, since they have a security patrol.
*****
Henry
*****
Douglas Adams Trinkets
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twinbrother or sister."
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made alot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."
*****
Henry
Douglas Adams Trinkets
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twinbrother or sister."
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made alot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."
*****
Henry
*****
3 FISHERMEN WERE TIRED FROM FISHING ALL DAY SO THEY STOPPED AT A MOTEL AND ASKED FOR RATES. $30 DOLLARS FOR THE 3 OF THEM IN 1 ROOM. THE FISHERMEN AGREED AND GAVE THE CLERK $10 DOLLARS APIECE, THEN WENT RIGHT TO THEIR ROOM. A MOMENT LATER THE CLERK CAME IN AND TOLD THEM HE HAD OVER CHARGED THEM, THE TRUE COST BEING $25 DOLLARS. SINCE NO ONE HAD ANY CHANGE THE CLERK HANDED OVER 5, $1 DOLLAR BILLS. NOT KNOWING JUST HOW TO SPLIT IT UP, EACH FISHERMAN TOOK 1 BILL AND THEY GAVE THE CLERK $2 DOLLARS. SINCE EACH FISHERMAN ORIGONALLY GAVE $10 DOLLARS AND NOW RECEIVED ONE BACK, MEANT THAT EACH GAVE $9 DOLLARS. 3 TIMES 9 IS $27 DOLLARS PLUS TWO FOR THE CLERK, MADE $29 DOLLARS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSING ONE DOLLAR????
*****
Henry
3 FISHERMEN WERE TIRED FROM FISHING ALL DAY SO THEY STOPPED AT A MOTEL AND ASKED FOR RATES. $30 DOLLARS FOR THE 3 OF THEM IN 1 ROOM. THE FISHERMEN AGREED AND GAVE THE CLERK $10 DOLLARS APIECE, THEN WENT RIGHT TO THEIR ROOM. A MOMENT LATER THE CLERK CAME IN AND TOLD THEM HE HAD OVER CHARGED THEM, THE TRUE COST BEING $25 DOLLARS. SINCE NO ONE HAD ANY CHANGE THE CLERK HANDED OVER 5, $1 DOLLAR BILLS. NOT KNOWING JUST HOW TO SPLIT IT UP, EACH FISHERMAN TOOK 1 BILL AND THEY GAVE THE CLERK $2 DOLLARS. SINCE EACH FISHERMAN ORIGONALLY GAVE $10 DOLLARS AND NOW RECEIVED ONE BACK, MEANT THAT EACH GAVE $9 DOLLARS. 3 TIMES 9 IS $27 DOLLARS PLUS TWO FOR THE CLERK, MADE $29 DOLLARS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSING ONE DOLLAR????
*****
Henry
-
DonaldTurner
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:261
- Joined:Thu Oct 16, 2003 9:17 pm
- Location:Hillsdale, MI, United States of America
- Contact:
The figure of $27 + $2 is a meaningless one. The $2 is already included in the $27 they paid (the $25 true cost of the room plus the $2 they gave the clerk). What needs to add up to $30, and does is the $27 they paid plus the $3 that they have at the end.Henry J wrote:*****
3 FISHERMEN WERE TIRED FROM FISHING ALL DAY SO THEY STOPPED AT A MOTEL AND ASKED FOR RATES. $30 DOLLARS FOR THE 3 OF THEM IN 1 ROOM. THE FISHERMEN AGREED AND GAVE THE CLERK $10 DOLLARS APIECE, THEN WENT RIGHT TO THEIR ROOM. A MOMENT LATER THE CLERK CAME IN AND TOLD THEM HE HAD OVER CHARGED THEM, THE TRUE COST BEING $25 DOLLARS. SINCE NO ONE HAD ANY CHANGE THE CLERK HANDED OVER 5, $1 DOLLAR BILLS. NOT KNOWING JUST HOW TO SPLIT IT UP, EACH FISHERMAN TOOK 1 BILL AND THEY GAVE THE CLERK $2 DOLLARS. SINCE EACH FISHERMAN ORIGONALLY GAVE $10 DOLLARS AND NOW RECEIVED ONE BACK, MEANT THAT EACH GAVE $9 DOLLARS. 3 TIMES 9 IS $27 DOLLARS PLUS TWO FOR THE CLERK, MADE $29 DOLLARS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSING ONE DOLLAR????
*****
Henry
*****
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
**********
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.
8. Test Patterns: Television's equivalent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
*****
Henry
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
**********
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.
8. Test Patterns: Television's equivalent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
*****
Henry
*****
It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*
*****
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
*****
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
*****
Henry
It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*
*****
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
*****
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
*****
Henry