Think you're computer illiterate?

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:16 am

Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:19 am

This sounds like a joke, but I swear it's true, to the best of my knowledge:

One of my coworkers said he was once working on a contract to update some operational software onboard a Navy ship. Their efforts were hampered by problems with the ancient computers, wherein they sometimes wouldn't boot. It was determined that they had problems with their CMOS, where the BIOS is stored. (That's where you tell your computer how many disk drives you have, what the boot order is, etc. The data is preserved by a tiny battery in the computer, even when unplugged.)

Anyway, they had to have a briefing with the ranking officer on the ship to discuss their progress (or lack thereof). The engineer reported the problem they had discovered with the CMOS in the computers. The officer got perturbed and blurted out, "How did sea moss get in the computers? That deck is above the water line!"

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 8:15 am

The first string is so old all the techies spoke English.

The second is a take-off on the Navy officer who asks what time the tide is coming in so the men could raise the bumpers so they wouldn't get wet.

Ya see, they hang off the side of the ship and as the tide comes in the ship rises and so do the bumpers. Fenders? Whateverintheheck they're called.

Post by **Donahoo** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:02 am

I was just asked to help a nurse with a spreadsheet. She has entered information but the sheet wouldn't "grow" and she didn't how to fix it. It was a balance sheet formatted in color. She alternated between telling me she created and it was already there. Anyway, the sheet was protected, and I "unprotected" it.

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 1:29 pm

LOL. Those are sooo old.

Still true today tho.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:59 pm

Another good one:

If a program reports insufficient memory to do something, delete a few disk files and see if that frees up enough memory.

(This one I actually had to explain to the accountant at my previous job.

)

Henry

Post by **Donahoo** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:36 am

Henry J wrote:Another good one:

If a program reports insufficient memory to do something, delete a few disk files and see if that frees up enough memory.

(This one I actually had to explain to the accountant at my previous job. )

Henry

Also works to close a few programs.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:37 am

Once, at work, I had to teach an Accountant how to use an adding machine.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:30 pm

Well, there's always the abacus...

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 6:46 am

Remember, too air is human, butt two really mess up, ewe need a computer!!

Website · Post by **brian** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 8:27 am

Baa'd one, Henry!

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:55 am

Is that a sheep joke?

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:44 pm

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:13 pm

Henry J wrote:Well, there's always the abacus...

Henry

I have a cute photo that includes an abacus but I can't get it here. I don't think.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:15 pm

Henry J wrote:baaa

Henry! It's you girlfriend on the phone!