----------------------------
Kid Jokes
Son: Dad You Are My Hero.
Dad: Really!
Son: Yes.
Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?
Dad: Well, Yes.
Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.
----------------------------
Henry
Recycling
Re: Recycling
Children today........tsk, tsk
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
Well, yeah!
Although that sort of thing probably isn't really tied to "today" (i.e., recent history).
Although that sort of thing probably isn't really tied to "today" (i.e., recent history).
----------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
(Run, don't walk...)
----------------------------
: Business Jokes
The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife.
"Dear," she said, startled, "what are you doing home so early?"
"The boss and I had a fight," he grumbled. "He would not take back what he said."
Glowing with pride, his wife asked, "what did he say?"
The VP shrugged. "You're fired."
----------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
(Run, don't walk...)
----------------------------
: Business Jokes
The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife.
"Dear," she said, startled, "what are you doing home so early?"
"The boss and I had a fight," he grumbled. "He would not take back what he said."
Glowing with pride, his wife asked, "what did he say?"
The VP shrugged. "You're fired."
----------------------------
================================
Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
================================
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
================================
Henry
Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
================================
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
================================
Henry
Re: Recycling
do we know you? 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
Meow?
: Miscellaneous Jokes
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
---------------------------------------
Henry
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
---------------------------------------
Henry
Re: Recycling
Good ones, Henry 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Re: Recycling
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking," Surely I can't look that old"?
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.
"Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I exclaimed.
He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-something-or-other asked, "What did you teach?"
---------------------------------------
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.
"Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I exclaimed.
He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-something-or-other asked, "What did you teach?"
---------------------------------------
Re: Recycling
ohhhh, that's cold! lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
Junk Science???
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical
"dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
One hundred forty-three said yes
Six were undecided
Only one knew that the chemical was...
Water!
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
The conclusion is obvious. (and also rather elementary!)
---------------------------------------
Henry
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical
"dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
One hundred forty-three said yes
Six were undecided
Only one knew that the chemical was...
Water!
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
The conclusion is obvious. (and also rather elementary!)
---------------------------------------
Henry
---------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A very exited mother asked her daughter: "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"
Her daughter replied: "Better than that, four of them recognized it."
---------------------------
Henry
Miscellaneous Jokes
A very exited mother asked her daughter: "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"
Her daughter replied: "Better than that, four of them recognized it."
---------------------------
Henry
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......