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Female Jokes
A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.
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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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Henry
Recycling
Female Jokes
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
================================
Henry
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
================================
Henry
I think I smell a rat!!!A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes.
Each envelope has hearts all over it.
The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed,
'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Henry
Funny Test Answers From Children - Mainly Science and Health
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
=======================================
Henry
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
=======================================
Henry
Actual Newspaper Headlines
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
War Dims Hope for Peace
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
=======================================
Henry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
War Dims Hope for Peace
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
=======================================
Henry
Re: Recycling
The Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Re: Recycling
Gee? Ya think.....? 
Re: Recycling
He probably figured it would give them a lift...
Female Jokes
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
===============================
Henry
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
===============================
Henry
Marriage Jokes
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
=======================================
Henry
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
=======================================
Henry
=====================================================================
#26388, posted 02-26-00 03:46 AM
Some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first...
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
=====================================================================
Henry
#26388, posted 02-26-00 03:46 AM
Some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first...
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
=====================================================================
Henry
Animal Jokes
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now — Let us spray!"
HenryMiscellaneous Jokes
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a cold winter.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice."
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist.
===========================
Henry
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist.
===========================
Henry