BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
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The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
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Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children... or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children.
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for not strangeling your teenagers!
=========================================
Henry
Recycling
Cannibal Jokes
The missionary arrived in the cannibal village on Saturday, and by Monday night he was history. Looking through his belongings, one of the natives found a magazine and without missing a beat began tearing out pictures of people and popping them in is mouth.
Seeing what he was doing, a friend asked, "So… how's the dehydrated stuff?"
===============================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's real automation! He exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
===============================================
Idiots Jokes
"You have been in Rome?"
"Yes"
"Did you visit The Coliseum."
"Yes"
"and ?"
"It will be splendid when it is finished"
===============================================
Henry
The missionary arrived in the cannibal village on Saturday, and by Monday night he was history. Looking through his belongings, one of the natives found a magazine and without missing a beat began tearing out pictures of people and popping them in is mouth.
Seeing what he was doing, a friend asked, "So… how's the dehydrated stuff?"
===============================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's real automation! He exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
===============================================
Idiots Jokes
"You have been in Rome?"
"Yes"
"Did you visit The Coliseum."
"Yes"
"and ?"
"It will be splendid when it is finished"
===============================================
Henry
The Birds
Once there were these two birds that, every year for quite a few years, had one egg, which they hatched and nurtured and loved until the little chick was ready to leave the nest.
Then, one year, they had two eggs! Well, they were just so excited they could hardly stand it; this year they would each have an egg to take care of and love. They kept close watch on those two eggs so that no harm came to them.
Then one day when the eggs were ready to hatch, an earthquake shook the tree that the nest was in; the two birds flew away to safety, all the while worrying about those two eggs that were about to hatch.
When the tremor was finished, they hurried back to the nest.
As they neared it, they heard one strong "Cheep" coming from the nest.
They were worried that something might have happened to the other egg, but when they got to the nest, they found that there were two chicks cheeping in unison.
This just goes to show that two can cheap as lively as one.
_________________
Henry
Once there were these two birds that, every year for quite a few years, had one egg, which they hatched and nurtured and loved until the little chick was ready to leave the nest.
Then, one year, they had two eggs! Well, they were just so excited they could hardly stand it; this year they would each have an egg to take care of and love. They kept close watch on those two eggs so that no harm came to them.
Then one day when the eggs were ready to hatch, an earthquake shook the tree that the nest was in; the two birds flew away to safety, all the while worrying about those two eggs that were about to hatch.
When the tremor was finished, they hurried back to the nest.
As they neared it, they heard one strong "Cheep" coming from the nest.
They were worried that something might have happened to the other egg, but when they got to the nest, they found that there were two chicks cheeping in unison.
This just goes to show that two can cheap as lively as one.
_________________
Henry
Miscellaneous Jokes
A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.
The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'
With this the duck replies 'That's no good, I'm a plumber'
===================================================
*Big Date*
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
===================================================
Henry
A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.
The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'
With this the duck replies 'That's no good, I'm a plumber'
===================================================
*Big Date*
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
===================================================
Henry
-------Original Message-------
Subject: Fw: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well ...blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... Absolutely correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Roger Stegman
==============================
Henry
Subject: Fw: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well ...blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.
The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... Absolutely correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Roger Stegman
==============================
Henry
------ Forwarded Message
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:17:27 -0600
Subject: The Year 1947
The Year 1947
Thought you would enjoy this little blurb of information!
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered pp by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
------ End of Forwarded Message
Henry
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:17:27 -0600
Subject: The Year 1947
The Year 1947
Thought you would enjoy this little blurb of information!
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered pp by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
------ End of Forwarded Message
Henry
Words of Wisdom
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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
=============================================
Henry
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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
=============================================
Henry
NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Confessions of a Government Travel Agent
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. He interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response ...(click). ??
A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? " I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"????
Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's in!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. He interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response ...(click). ??
A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? " I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"????
Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's in!
)