Recycling

[Henry J]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

(Just as long as all the students were punctual about it... )

(On second thought, I think I resemble that remark... )

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Question / Answer Jokes

Q: "Why couldn't the Indian get into his teepee?

A: He had no reservations

(Howz about a wigwam, then?)

Btw: When Indians installed electric lights in their outhouses, it was the first time somebody wired a head for a reservation.

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Pun of the Day

Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there.

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Here in New Mexico an entrepreneur is building a space-port, from which tourists will be able board a space ship and circumnavigate the earth. Before human passengers are accepted, he plans to test the ship by putting 100 goats into orbit.
If successful, that experiment will forever be referred to as "the herd shot around the world."

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Henry

[Henry J]

Always remember the following 3 pieces of advice:

1. Organize your thoughts into clearly defined groups and lists.
2. Don't tell them everything.

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My aunt was reminding my very elderly uncle that he had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

"On Tuesday, I don't know about any appointment for me on Tuesday. What's the appointment for?"

"Memory clinic dear".

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Gator fan calls 9-1-1, says "We had a wreck and my wife needs an ambulance."

The operator says "Yes sir, can you tell us where you are?"

Gator fan says "Eucalyptus Street."

She says "Can you spell that?"

She hears some grunting and huffing and cursing... then he comes back on the phone "Okay so she's on Elm Avenue..."

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"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"

Actually, there are 4,324,215,187 stars, but who's counting?

Why is it when you are being served at the supermarket checkout, the person behind you has to have their cart 4 inches from your butt? Are they afraid someone is going to try to squeeze in from the breakdown lane or something?

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A man was driving along a country road, and stops to pick up a hippie that's hitch hiking. They come to an intersection and the man says "Anything coming from the right?" The hippie says "Nothing but a dog." So the man pulls out and there's a tremendous crash.

Two weeks later they both wake up in the hospital and the man says to the hippie "I thought you said there was nothing coming but a dog!" and the hippie says "Like man, a Greyhound!"

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Henry

[Henry J]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men..... are men.

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We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte

If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte

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Two of them all along

Roman Legion on the march north. A great big hairy kilted Scotsman jumps up on a hillock and yells, "Aye, so ye be Romans, eh? Gie me yer ten best men then!" Ten Legionaires are dispatched. Bang! #@* Crash! $&% Wallop! Five minutes later, a lone survivor struggles back. A hundred soldiers are sent back up. None return! Risking all, the commander sends the remainder of the entire legion up the hill. Screams, shouts, and the all out commotion of the battle follow! Then, on the skyline, a lone Roman officer approaches. "Sir! Sir! They've cheated! They lied! There were TWO of them all along.......!"

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Henry

[Henry J]

Subject: jc Tonto

TONTO

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter,
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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Comeback Lines!

M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.

M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

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Henry

[Henry J]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again, "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

After all these years..... the word was "Celebrate"

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Henry

[Henry J]

Out of the mouths of Children.

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!

Butt Dust & Fleas

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she Was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't Remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so Much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in Vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustrati! on, her Mom Explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes Wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please Don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I Cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and Kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get ! married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man Named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife Looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but Dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill Little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

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_Quotes_Of_The_Day_

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

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Henry

[Henry J]

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.

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Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A chicken crossing the road; poultry in motion.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

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Henry

[Henry J]

Fw: slackers

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before thinking things through, you will love this...!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised! , the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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What do you give some one who has everything?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Penicillin.....

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Henry

[Henry J]

In Soviet Russa, a Circus came to town.

A chechlaslovian midget escaped from the circus and the KGB were after him.

Running into a blind alley, he bangs on the door.

the door opens slightly.

the midget says

"Can You Cache a small Chech?"

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"Elementary, My Dear Watson..."

On a warm summer night, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip together. As they lay down for the night, Holmes replied to Watson:

"Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars," Watson observed.

"Very astute, Watson! And what does that tell you?"

Watson thought for a moment and then nervously replied, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. And, uh...meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Watson glanced over at Sherlock and noticed a look of consternation on his face. Unsure if he'd spoken correctly, he decided to prompt and response from Sherlock and replied, "Um...perhaps, I'm wrong. What does it tell you?"

Sherlock pursed his lips, looked intently into the night air and replied:

"Somebody stole our tent."

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Henry

[Henry J]

Subject: What Were They Thinking?

Funny what happens when you take the spaces out of some company names...
What were they thinking?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com

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: The Roof

A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite.

He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house. As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"

"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping.

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Henry

[Henry J]

The Perfect Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders, the only thing missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene and in one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself.

"He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!!"

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Dear Abby:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! And since
he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't bothered to look for a new one. All he does is smoke cigars and cruise around with his buddies shooting the bull while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went off to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and he hints to his friends that I may be a lesbian. What can I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him! Good Grief, woman, you don't need him any more.

You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one!

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Henry

[Henry J]

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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Henry

[Henry J]

A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but, it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
--Herm Albright

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes,

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Help eliminate and irradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Or girl scout cookies?

Keep your eyes ever skyward...... and you'll never miss Life's Highlights!!
(Unless you're walking through a cow pasture.)
-Ziggy

Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
(Or, just as likely or maybe more likely - the packaging that toy came in. )

If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?

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All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday."

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect"

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Henry

[Henry J]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied," the female brain is less because it has been used."

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Antartian Jokes

Q: How do you know an Antartian has been using the computer?

A: There is White-Out on the screen

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Political Jokes

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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An old American man is at Charles DeGaulle Airport going through customs. The French official looks through his passport and speaks in an offended tone, "Monsieur, is it possible that in these advancing years, you 'ave never visited France before?"

"Well," says the old man, "no, I've actually been here once before."

"Sir zat ees impossible you must be mistaken. French officials are very effective, and eef you had been here before it would appear on your passport."

"Well, when my unit landed here at Normandy in '44, I looked around but I couldn't find any French officials to look at my papers."

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A serial murderer is executed and his soul goes to Hell where he is greeted by Satan.
Satan tells him that he has his choice of three rooms to spend eternity.

The first room is in the bottom of a volcano with rivers of molten lava everywhere, and the people there are mining coal to fuel the fires. The temperature was an unbearable 2000 degrees.

The next room is where the furnaces of Hell are at. People are shoveling coal to feed the fires of Hell for eternity. It was about 600 degrees in this room.

The last room was a nearly comfortable 85 degrees. There were thousands of people standing waist deep in wet manure drinking coffee and eating snacks. The murderer speaks out and says "This is the room for me!" Satan leaves him in the room and locks the door.

Moments later a voice comes over the loud speaker and says "Coffee break's over! Everybody, back on your heads!"

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Henry

[Henry J]

SCRABBLE, Look what the letters spell

-----
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

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Henry