CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates,and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung every where!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-w ife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, ...including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you?
Roger Stegman
=============================================================
Henry
Recycling
===============================================
I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you have no sense of humor! This is even funnier when you realize it's a true story… Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I d share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water -it's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut."
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Roger Stegman
===============================================
Henry
I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you have no sense of humor! This is even funnier when you realize it's a true story… Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I d share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water -it's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut."
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Roger Stegman
===============================================
Henry
Subject: COMPUTER ERROR
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Sean, the computer guy, to come over.
Sean clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired. "An ID ten T error?
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Sean grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Sean.....
===========================================================
Douglas Adams Trinkets
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
"42."
===========================================================
Henry
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Sean, the computer guy, to come over.
Sean clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired. "An ID ten T error?
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Sean grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Sean.....
===========================================================
Douglas Adams Trinkets
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.'"
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened."
...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
"42."
===========================================================
Henry
Subject: Story with a moral...
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful in their days.
Now,
83 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Forget work.
Play golf.
-------------
Roger Stegman
==================================================
Golf is a good walk spoiled - Mark Twain.
==================================================
Henry
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful in their days.
Now,
83 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Forget work.
Play golf.
-------------
Roger Stegman
==================================================
Golf is a good walk spoiled - Mark Twain.
==================================================
Henry
The Hillbilly & the Game Warden
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir, I don't have any of those licenses, no. You must understand these are my pet fish."
Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Yea. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees.
_________________
Roger Stegman
=========================================
Fish songs
Q: What do fish sing to each other?
A: Salmon-chanted Evening.
=========================================
Henry
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir, I don't have any of those licenses, no. You must understand these are my pet fish."
Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Yea. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees.
_________________
Roger Stegman
=========================================
Fish songs
Q: What do fish sing to each other?
A: Salmon-chanted Evening.
=========================================
Henry
Subject: Wisconsin Duck Hunters
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING !!!
.
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
.
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
.
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH?
.
Roger Stegman
============================================
Henry
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING !!!
.
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
.
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
.
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH?
.
Roger Stegman
============================================
Henry
===============================================
---I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
===============================================
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
===============================================
Henry
---I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
===============================================
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
===============================================
Henry
=======================================================
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued. and WON!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! No wonder third world countries think we're nuts!
Roger Stegman
=======================================================
Henry
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued. and WON!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! No wonder third world countries think we're nuts!
Roger Stegman
=======================================================
Henry
-------------------------------------------------
NOTICE
Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America---
a. Kentuckians
b. Tennesseans
c. North Carolinians
d. Georgians
e. Virginians and
f. West Virginians
Will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry....
Roger Stegman
-------------------------------------------------
Subject: MATH
The math teacher saw that little Timmy wasn't paying attention in Class.
She called on him and said, "Timmy!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Timmy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
-------------------------------------------------
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
NOTICE
Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America---
a. Kentuckians
b. Tennesseans
c. North Carolinians
d. Georgians
e. Virginians and
f. West Virginians
Will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry....
Roger Stegman
-------------------------------------------------
Subject: MATH
The math teacher saw that little Timmy wasn't paying attention in Class.
She called on him and said, "Timmy!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Timmy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
-------------------------------------------------
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
Computer funny:
An ASCII character walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "How are you, my friend?"
To which the ASCII character replied, "I've got a parity error today."
The bartender shot back, "I though you looked a bit off."
_________________
Quantum funnies:
Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
One atom to another: "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
_________________
Math funny:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.
_________________
Courtroom funny:
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.
_________________
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
And the policemans answer was: For making an obscene clone fall.
_________________
A good pun is its own reword.
_________________
Henry
An ASCII character walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "How are you, my friend?"
To which the ASCII character replied, "I've got a parity error today."
The bartender shot back, "I though you looked a bit off."
_________________
Quantum funnies:
Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
One atom to another: "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
_________________
Math funny:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.
_________________
Courtroom funny:
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.
_________________
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
And the policemans answer was: For making an obscene clone fall.
_________________
A good pun is its own reword.
_________________
Henry
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
-----------------------------------------
Computer terms:
24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack
Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it
Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime
Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee
fIdentity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it
Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron
Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets
Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood
Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software
Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly
Worm
Similar to a virus, but different
--------------------------------------------
Henry
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
-----------------------------------------
Computer terms:
24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack
Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it
Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime
Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee
fIdentity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it
Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron
Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets
Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood
Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software
Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly
Worm
Similar to a virus, but different
--------------------------------------------
Henry