: Entertainment Jokes
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Choice
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn`t have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
College Dorm
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
Recycling
Balance Due
A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.
He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
--------------------
: Miscellaneous Jokes
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: Marriage Jokes
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.
He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
--------------------
: Miscellaneous Jokes
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: Marriage Jokes
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
College Football
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
(Ack! Gulp!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Unusual Lesson
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."
(Sneeeeeeeaky! Sneaky way to save hisself the trouble of grading all those papers...
)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
(There's wrong with this picture, right?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
(Ack! Gulp!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Unusual Lesson
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."
(Sneeeeeeeaky! Sneaky way to save hisself the trouble of grading all those papers...
)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
(There's wrong with this picture, right?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?"
He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctors Jokes
A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."
"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who's in Charge:
There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one's unBEARable:
Last summer, a group of horrified European tourists entered the Wawona Ranger Station and said their car had been "blown up by terrorists" and that "powder residue from the explosive" was all over the back seat.
Inspecting rangers found that the "powder residue from the explosive" was actually flour from a box of pancake mix, and that bear paw prints were everywhere amid the powder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?"
He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctors Jokes
A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."
"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who's in Charge:
There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one's unBEARable:
Last summer, a group of horrified European tourists entered the Wawona Ranger Station and said their car had been "blown up by terrorists" and that "powder residue from the explosive" was all over the back seat.
Inspecting rangers found that the "powder residue from the explosive" was actually flour from a box of pancake mix, and that bear paw prints were everywhere amid the powder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
I'm Taken
A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.
One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"
He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."
"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."
"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."
"Oh really!" she said with a renewed interest.
"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Married Life
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beans
Husband: Beans again!
Wife: I don't understand it. You liked beans on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and now all of a sudden you don't like beans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.
One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"
He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."
"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."
"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."
"Oh really!" she said with a renewed interest.
"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Married Life
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beans
Husband: Beans again!
Wife: I don't understand it. You liked beans on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and now all of a sudden you don't like beans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
Sleeping with Mommy
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where Were You?
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick.
The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah? And where the heck were you when I got married?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where Were You?
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick.
The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah? And where the heck were you when I got married?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
The Wrong Man
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman responded, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Home Repairs
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "please let her be having an affair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Home » Relationships » Marriage
Bum Sets Example:
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Annoying
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom.
Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman responded, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Home Repairs
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "please let her be having an affair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Home » Relationships » Marriage
Bum Sets Example:
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Annoying
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom.
Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."
------------------------------------------------------------
After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers:
"The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."
A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.
As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Planning?
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."
------------------------------------------------------------
After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers:
"The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."
A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.
As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Planning?
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
--------------------
Last Winter, Greg was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over to fix dinner and play nursemaid to him.
He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.
"Okay, Honey," she told him. "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diamonds
"Pardon me," said a transatlantic traveler to his neighbor, "but I couldn't help noticing the diamond you're wearing on your finger."
"Thank you, replied the expensively dressed young woman next to him. "It's the Culbertson Diamond. you may have heard of it - it comes with a curse."
"What curse?" the traveler asked.
The woman sighed. "Mr. Cultertson."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
--------------------
Last Winter, Greg was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over to fix dinner and play nursemaid to him.
He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.
"Okay, Honey," she told him. "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diamonds
"Pardon me," said a transatlantic traveler to his neighbor, "but I couldn't help noticing the diamond you're wearing on your finger."
"Thank you, replied the expensively dressed young woman next to him. "It's the Culbertson Diamond. you may have heard of it - it comes with a curse."
"What curse?" the traveler asked.
The woman sighed. "Mr. Cultertson."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*
------------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Whereupon she strangled the little creep with her support hose.Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
An Offer He Almost Couldn't Refuse
As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am," said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, he began to negotiate. "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
------------------------------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Q: Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?
A: Because if they flew by the bay they would be bay gulls!
------------------------------------------------------------
A father often read Bible stories to his young children.
One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nosy
My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am," said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, he began to negotiate. "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
------------------------------------------------------------
: One Liners Jokes
Q: Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?
A: Because if they flew by the bay they would be bay gulls!
------------------------------------------------------------
A father often read Bible stories to his young children.
One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nosy
My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
Missing Husband
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
King of Tarts
Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'
When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?
Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
King of Tarts
Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'
When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?
Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Henry
GOD vs DEVIL
Subject: GOD VS DEVIL
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man
said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man
said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
