Jokes

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:32 pm

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
___________________________________

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it...
don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
____________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable product ____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good.
____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
____________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!
____________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming -

"WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Post by **trucker2000** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:27 pm

That's my philosophy.

Website · Post by **brian** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 9:15 am

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her breakfast to be served in bed...........+5
In the snow...................................................+8
But return with a six pack of beer............................-5
And forget the breakfast.....................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You whack it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
You leave her to chat with a college drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany....................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
With breast implants.............................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your best team..-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.......................................0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...............+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You told her it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
You exercise to get rid of it.........................+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts......-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..........-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression...........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...............-50
You listen for 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

Post by **trucker2000** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:45 pm

And the moral of the story is:

When it comes to women, men can't win.

LHawke · Post by **LHawke** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 5:59 pm

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm .

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 6:50 am

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health ompletely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 8:11 am

"He said you're going to die,"

Also the punch line to an old joke about a guy who gets bit on his privates by a poisonus snake only to have his friend find a doctor who told him he'd have to suck out the poison to save his friend's life.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:32 am

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

So there!

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:20 pm

Then there was the married couple who wanted to purchase a new vehicle but didn't have the money so they decided to initiate a savings plan. But what to do to inspire the saving? He comes up with the idea of putting a coffee can under the bed and every time they had "relations" he'd put the spare change in his pockets in the coffee can.

Several months go by and he decides to see how much they've saved so far. Pulling out the coffee can he discovers what looks to be hundreds of dollars. "How can this be," he asks? His wife replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you."

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:30 pm

Mother of Six -> Seven of Nine

Oh, sorry. Wrong thread.

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 10:54 am

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:14 pm

Be careful what we tell the grandchildren - it can be translated by the little angels into something entirely different!!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting.

He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The Food Channel keeps me company and makes me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh.

I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend"

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied,"Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:47 pm

That is sooo true.

Website · Post by **brian** » Tue May 09, 2006 2:33 pm

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"