-------------------------------------
DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD? I THINK NOT
A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son!", he said. "I'd like to ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
-------------------------------------
Sports entrance exam
University Entrance Exam - SEC Football Player Version (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
What language is spoken in France?
What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
How many commandments was Moses given?
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
Spell - Bush, Carter and Clinton
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
What are coat hangers used for?
Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
Where is the basement in a three story building located?
Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Roger Stegman
-------------------------------------
Henry
Recycling
================================
Thoughts
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Roger Stegman
================================
Henry
Thoughts
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Roger Stegman
================================
Henry
=============
Two students miss a final exam
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
=============
The homework schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
Two students miss a final exam
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
=============
The homework schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
=============
Joke of the day
Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper - Said with a very dull voice.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, Yes, but not right now.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
Joke of the day
Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper - Said with a very dull voice.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, Yes, but not right now.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
Revelation 3:20
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
=============
Jokes of the day
Things learned from college
Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster, breaker before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Labs used to be fun.
T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
Squirt guns equal stress relief.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
Sleep becomes more important.
Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
You begin to nap again (also not new).
Showers become less important.
Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom... and no curfew.
Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas... there's only a little bit of mud on them)
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of Friends verbatim.
See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. Roadtrip whenever possible.
Pick up all new lingo.
Quarters are like gold.
Be creative in the dining hall.
Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
Duct tape heals all wounds. If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
Jokes of the day
Things learned from college
Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster, breaker before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Labs used to be fun.
T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
Squirt guns equal stress relief.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
Sleep becomes more important.
Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
You begin to nap again (also not new).
Showers become less important.
Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom... and no curfew.
Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas... there's only a little bit of mud on them)
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of Friends verbatim.
See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. Roadtrip whenever possible.
Pick up all new lingo.
Quarters are like gold.
Be creative in the dining hall.
Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
Duct tape heals all wounds. If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
Xjmt wrote:Have you ever seen the two of them together??lswot wrote:Who is this Roger Stegman and what has he done with our beloved Henry?
Noooooo 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
=========================
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.
Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.
Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack! the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Sign on a Norfolk farm: Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.
Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!
Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Office sign: Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
=========================
Henry
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.
Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.
Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack! the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Sign on a Norfolk farm: Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.
Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!
Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Office sign: Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
=========================
Henry
====================
Beware the fury of a patient man. John Dryden
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
--By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes,
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
====================
Henry
Beware the fury of a patient man. John Dryden
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
--By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes,
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
====================
Henry
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes,
Yeah....if you don't believe it....just ask 'em.
Yeah....if you don't believe it....just ask 'em. lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......