================================
Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
================================
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
================================
Henry
Recycling
====================
How come?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
====================
Henry
How come?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
====================
Henry
==========================================
Office Dares and maintaining your insanity
==========================================
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5
extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8 ) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am lot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18 ) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you... How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8 ) Use, too... much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18 ) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity....
19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
==========================================
Henry
Office Dares and maintaining your insanity
==========================================
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5
extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8 ) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am lot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18 ) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you... How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Don't use any punctuation
8 ) Use, too... much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18 ) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity....
19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
==========================================
Henry
===========================================
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
===========================================
Henry
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
===========================================
Henry
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but, it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
--Herm Albright
Being a Woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.
--Joseph Conrad
--Herm Albright
Being a Woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.
--Joseph Conrad
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
=========================
FireWorks ..
When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.
Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing.
Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, "Why here?"
At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch.
So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
=========================
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
Some days you're the windshield... and some days you're the bug.
The close mouth gathers no foot.
=========================
Henry
FireWorks ..
When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.
Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing.
Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, "Why here?"
At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch.
So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
=========================
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
Some days you're the windshield... and some days you're the bug.
The close mouth gathers no foot.
=========================
Henry
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
MEANWHILE..
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited...
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
MEANWHILE..
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited...
Last edited by brian on Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*************************
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old
Roger Stegman
*************************
Henry
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents. Eric, six years old
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kelly, nine years old
My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome. Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values. Lottie, nine years old
My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, ten years old
Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love. Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. Allan, ten years old
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan. Kirsten, ten years old
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Anita, nine years old
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Will, seven years old
Roger Stegman
*************************
Henry
Did we do this one yet??
>Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
>This is how it manifests:
>
>You decide to water your garden. As you turn on the hose in the
>driveway, you look over at your car and decide your car needs washing.
>
>As you start toward the garage, you notice that there is mail on the
>porch table that you brought up from the mail box earlier. You decide
>to go through the mail before you wash the car.
>
>You lay your car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
>garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, you
>decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
>But then you think, since you are going to be near the mailbox when
>you take out the garbage anyway, you may as well pay the bills first.
> You take your check book off the table, and see that there is only
>one check left. Your extra checks are in your desk in the study, so
>you go inside the house to your desk where you find the can of Coke
>that you had been drinking.
>
>You are going to look for your checks, but first you need to push the
>Coke aside so that you don't accidentally knock it over. You realize
>the Coke is getting warm, and you decide you should put it in the
>refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
>As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
>counter catches your eye--they need to be watered. You set the Coke
>down on the counter, and you discover your reading glasses that you've
>been searching for all morning.
>
>You decide you better put them back on your desk, but first you are
>going to water the flowers.
>
>You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
>water and suddenly you spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
>kitchen table. You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you
>will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember that it's on
>the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the den where it
>belongs, but first you'll water the flowers.
>
>You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on
>the floor. So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some
>towels and wipe up the spill.
>
>Then you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning
>to do.
>
>At the end of the day:
>the driveway is flooded
>the car isn't washed,
>the bills aren't paid,
>there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
>there is still only one check in your check book,
>You can't find the remote,
>You can't find your glasses,
>and you don't remember what you did with the car keys.
>
>Then when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, You're
>really baffled because you know you were busy all day long, and you
>are really tired. You realize this is a serious problem, and you'll
>try to get some help for it, but first you'll check your e-mail.
>
>Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
>because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if
>this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
=============
A Middle Aged Woman
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I
looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's
wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . ."
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late.....)
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"You're simply going through the change."
=============
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
A Middle Aged Woman
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I
looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's
wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . ."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Ready for this?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(I'm warning you.....)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Still not too late.....)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You're simply going through the change."
=============
Roger Stegman
=============
Henry
************************************************
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
************************************************
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
Roger Stegman
************************************************
Henry
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
************************************************
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
Roger Stegman
************************************************
Henry