Jokes

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 4:54 pm

> Californians
>
> So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
> hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from
> California if:
>
> 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are
> visible.
>
> 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
> house.
>
> 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
> carrying on a conversation in English.
>
> 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
> nose ring, and is named Flower.
>
> 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
>
> 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
> and a sperm donor.
>
> 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
> coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
> difference between Sumatran! and Ethiopian.
>
> 8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
>
> 9. A really great parking space can totally move you
> to tears.
>
> 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
> else in the U.S.
>
> 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
> Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who
> looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
>
> 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
> payment.
>
> 13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
>
> 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report
> on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
>
> 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
> children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
>
> 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
> leave for work an hour early to avoid all the
> weather-related accidents.
>
> 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
>
> 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
>
> 19. The Terminator is your governor.
>
> 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
> license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
> you one.
>

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 7:12 pm

SO? Is pot legal or not?? I can't remember.

Website · Post by **brian** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:46 am

Cussing

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say "h***" and you say "a**."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw h***, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers,

"but you can bet your fat a** it won't be Cheerios!"

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:48 am

Well, I swear!

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 4:34 pm

hahaha, missed that one Brian. Too true.

Ain't It The Truth..... JJJ

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK.
They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and (Censored)'s.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people
to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him
(at least I think that's what he said). ;

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck,
we'd all fall off.

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and
brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

32. Bumper sticker of the year:
If you can read this, thank a teacher....and
since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Post by **trucker2000** » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:51 pm

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new
> doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
> her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the
> hall.
>
> An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told
> him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
> another room.
>
> The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor
> was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years
> old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
> her she was pregnant?"
>
> The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
> up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
>

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Nov 23, 2005 4:51 pm

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:52 am

Yep, that would do it!

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 2:43 pm

Wedding Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat!" The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:04 pm

It took that long for her to kill him??

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:06 am

Oh, my........

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 7:29 am

To All My Online Friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 12:25 pm

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 4:41 pm

I'll second that

and double it.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:14 am

Triple!!!!!