Recycling
lswot*****
Amanpreet was talking to his doctor about drinking more water. "Doc, I know you told me to drink more water, but would it be all right if I flavored it with something?"
His doctor asked, "Like what?"
Amanpreet replied, "Like Scotch."
*****
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools . . . "
(That one reminds me of the Cosby show.
)
*****
Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it. I mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to see a topless dancer?
*****
Alice was asked to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale.
It slipped her mind until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
In a panic, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful,
so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened, to buy that cake (whatever the cost) and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, Alice's attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where the ladies group was playing bridge.
After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair with total relief when she heard the hostess say proudly, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
*****
Henry
Amanpreet was talking to his doctor about drinking more water. "Doc, I know you told me to drink more water, but would it be all right if I flavored it with something?"
His doctor asked, "Like what?"
Amanpreet replied, "Like Scotch."
*****
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools . . . "
(That one reminds me of the Cosby show.
)*****
Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it. I mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to see a topless dancer?
*****
Alice was asked to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale.
It slipped her mind until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
In a panic, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful,
so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened, to buy that cake (whatever the cost) and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, Alice's attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where the ladies group was playing bridge.
After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair with total relief when she heard the hostess say proudly, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
*****
Henry
that'll teach her to take credit for something she didn't bake!*****
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.!
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her......."While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."
*****
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can.
Cullen Hightower
*****
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
*****
Henry
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.!
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her......."While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."
*****
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can.
Cullen Hightower
*****
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
*****
Henry
*****
Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
To see her shining in the dark.
*****
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Freaking Talent."
*****
Villagers Sorry Their Ancestors Ate British Missionary
Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
SUVA, Fiji -- Residents of a remote village in the Pacific island nation of Fiji are apologizing -- again -- for their cannibal ancestors' decision to eat a British missionary.
The villagers want to break a curse they say dates back to July 1867, when their cannibal forefathers dined on the Reverend Thomas Baker, a Methodist missionary from England. All that remained of Baker were his leather boots, which the cannibals also tried to eat, thinking they were part of the missionary.
Village residents have offered numerous apologies in the past, but they still have no electricity and no passable road leading out of the jungle.
The last time they apologized was in 1993, when villagers presented the Methodist Church of Fiji with Baker's overcooked and slightly chewed boots.
*****
Henry
Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
To see her shining in the dark.
*****
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Freaking Talent."
*****
Villagers Sorry Their Ancestors Ate British Missionary
Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
SUVA, Fiji -- Residents of a remote village in the Pacific island nation of Fiji are apologizing -- again -- for their cannibal ancestors' decision to eat a British missionary.
The villagers want to break a curse they say dates back to July 1867, when their cannibal forefathers dined on the Reverend Thomas Baker, a Methodist missionary from England. All that remained of Baker were his leather boots, which the cannibals also tried to eat, thinking they were part of the missionary.
Village residents have offered numerous apologies in the past, but they still have no electricity and no passable road leading out of the jungle.
The last time they apologized was in 1993, when villagers presented the Methodist Church of Fiji with Baker's overcooked and slightly chewed boots.
*****
Henry
*****
THE IRS LETTER ...
Dear Sirs and/or Mesdames:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2002 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they're yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free!
If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Sincerely,
Father of One
*****
Henry
THE IRS LETTER ...
Dear Sirs and/or Mesdames:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2002 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they're yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her. I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free!
If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Sincerely,
Father of One
*****
Henry
*****
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to menti on he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Molly
*****
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
*****
Henry
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to menti on he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Molly
*****
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
*****
Henry
*****
Subject: Halloween is just around the corner...
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
"She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, but #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic, too!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley". He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun," why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
*****
A piece of string walked into a bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender looked the piece of string up and down and replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." The piece of string left.
The next day, the piece of string walked into the same bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender scowled and said, "I told you before, we don't serve strings here! Be on your way."
The piece of string went outside, contorted and entangled himself over, under, around and through, then fluffed up his ends. He walked back into the bar and said, "A whiskey kind Sir, if you please."
The bartender looked suspiciously at him and asked, "Aren't you that piece of string that I've kicked out of here before?"
The string replied, "No, I'm afraid not."
*****
Henry
Subject: Halloween is just around the corner...
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
"She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, but #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic, too!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley". He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun," why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
*****
A piece of string walked into a bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender looked the piece of string up and down and replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." The piece of string left.
The next day, the piece of string walked into the same bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender scowled and said, "I told you before, we don't serve strings here! Be on your way."
The piece of string went outside, contorted and entangled himself over, under, around and through, then fluffed up his ends. He walked back into the bar and said, "A whiskey kind Sir, if you please."
The bartender looked suspiciously at him and asked, "Aren't you that piece of string that I've kicked out of here before?"
The string replied, "No, I'm afraid not."
*****
Henry
*****
Question : How many forumusers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Answer:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anne
*****
Henry
Question : How many forumusers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Answer:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anne
*****
Henry
*****
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving their neighborhood pub. While viewing his bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.
"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock, seriously?" asked the astonished friend.
"Yup." answered the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk answered.
He picked up the large wooden mallet that was lying along side the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You drunken idiot! It's 10 past 3 in the morning!"
*****
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do."
"Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter or spend 20 years in jail?"
"Yes, I do."
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
*****
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
*****
Help stamp out and eliminate superflous redundancy!
Also, eschew obfuscation!
*****
Illustration of human evolution
*****
Henry
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving their neighborhood pub. While viewing his bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.
"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock, seriously?" asked the astonished friend.
"Yup." answered the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk answered.
He picked up the large wooden mallet that was lying along side the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You drunken idiot! It's 10 past 3 in the morning!"
*****
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do."
"Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter or spend 20 years in jail?"
"Yes, I do."
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
*****
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
*****
Help stamp out and eliminate superflous redundancy!
Also, eschew obfuscation!
*****
Illustration of human evolution
*****
Henry