Recycling
lswot*****
A policeman calmly interrupted a wayward drunk trying to get his door keys to fit into the street lamp.
"I guess no one's home," said the policeman.
"Nope," says the drunk, "I can see a light glowing upstairs."
*****
A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
*****
My friend was in Canada last year and celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, was wetting his pants, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty, you're drunker than a skunk?" the judge asked.
"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I tried to do."
*****
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
*****
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read, "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
*****
Bill: "I fired that conniving Vern yesterday!!"
"Omigosh! Why?!"
"He told his plant supervisor that he had death in the family and he got paid for those three days. When he came back they found out it was his dog!!"
*****
Henry
A policeman calmly interrupted a wayward drunk trying to get his door keys to fit into the street lamp.
"I guess no one's home," said the policeman.
"Nope," says the drunk, "I can see a light glowing upstairs."
*****
A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
*****
My friend was in Canada last year and celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, was wetting his pants, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty, you're drunker than a skunk?" the judge asked.
"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I tried to do."
*****
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
*****
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read, "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
*****
Bill: "I fired that conniving Vern yesterday!!"
"Omigosh! Why?!"
"He told his plant supervisor that he had death in the family and he got paid for those three days. When he came back they found out it was his dog!!"
*****
Henry
*****
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
Alex Hamilton
*****
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
*****
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
*****
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. 'Listen to this,' she said.'There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.'
'Hmmm,' her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, 'Would you swap me for a season ticket?'
'Absolutely not,' he said.
'How sweet,' Sarah said. 'Tell me why not.'
'Season's more than half over,' he said.
*****
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?" ?
*****
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
*****
Henry
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
Alex Hamilton
*****
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
*****
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
*****
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. 'Listen to this,' she said.'There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.'
'Hmmm,' her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, 'Would you swap me for a season ticket?'
'Absolutely not,' he said.
'How sweet,' Sarah said. 'Tell me why not.'
'Season's more than half over,' he said.
*****
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?" ?
*****
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
*****
Henry
This is so old I'd believe it to find out it predated the Bible. But for those of you who haven't read it:
Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter
(This is the State's Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
*****
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
-- George Bush, US President
We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ...
-- Bill Clinton, US President, USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A
We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
-- Arab News report
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
-- Batman Costume warning label
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
-- Lee Iacocca
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
*****
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
*****
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)
*****
Henry
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
-- George Bush, US President
We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ...
-- Bill Clinton, US President, USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A
We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
-- Arab News report
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
-- Batman Costume warning label
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
-- Lee Iacocca
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
*****
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
*****
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)
*****
Henry
*****
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty-six."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of *****es."
*****
A male chauvinist told his buddy, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
His buddy asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
To which he replied, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"
*****
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.
*****
Southern interpretations of medical terms
1. Artery : The study of Paintings.
2. Barium : What Doctors do when patients die.
3. Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome.
4. Cauterize : Made eye contact with her.
5. Colic : A sheep dog.
6. D & C : Where Washington is.
7. Dilate : To live long.
8. Enema : Not a friend.
9. Fibula : A small lie.
10. Genital : Not a Jew.
11. G.I. Series : Military Ball Game
12. Impotent : Distinguished, well known.
13. Labour Pain : Getting hurt at work.
14. Morbid : A higher offer.
15. Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates.
16. Node : Was aware of.
17. Outpatient : A person who has fainted.
18. Pap Smear : Fatherhood Test.
19. Post Operative : Letter Carrier
20 Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery.
21. Seizure : Roman Emperor.
22. Tablet : Small table.
23. Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport.
24. Urine : Opposite of "You're out".
*****
Henry
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty-six."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of *****es."
*****
A male chauvinist told his buddy, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
His buddy asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
To which he replied, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"
*****
For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.
*****
Southern interpretations of medical terms
1. Artery : The study of Paintings.
2. Barium : What Doctors do when patients die.
3. Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome.
4. Cauterize : Made eye contact with her.
5. Colic : A sheep dog.
6. D & C : Where Washington is.
7. Dilate : To live long.
8. Enema : Not a friend.
9. Fibula : A small lie.
10. Genital : Not a Jew.
11. G.I. Series : Military Ball Game
12. Impotent : Distinguished, well known.
13. Labour Pain : Getting hurt at work.
14. Morbid : A higher offer.
15. Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates.
16. Node : Was aware of.
17. Outpatient : A person who has fainted.
18. Pap Smear : Fatherhood Test.
19. Post Operative : Letter Carrier
20 Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery.
21. Seizure : Roman Emperor.
22. Tablet : Small table.
23. Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport.
24. Urine : Opposite of "You're out".
*****
Henry
*****
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Then Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
*****
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
*****
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
*****
Henry
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Then Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
*****
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
*****
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
*****
Henry
*****
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kay a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kay was at school, he disappeared again.
My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kay, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kay came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage!"
*****
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
*****
Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!
"Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"
"I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys, but it's the Tyson fight."
"I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"
"Are you retaining water this week?"
"I was only kidding..."
"Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."
"Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"
"I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"
"You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."
"I don't really care for cats."
*****
Henry
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kay a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kay was at school, he disappeared again.
My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kay, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kay came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage!"
*****
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
*****
Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!
"Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"
"I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys, but it's the Tyson fight."
"I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"
"Are you retaining water this week?"
"I was only kidding..."
"Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."
"Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"
"I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"
"You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."
"I don't really care for cats."
*****
Henry
*****
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, the cat began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
*****
Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
*****
Henry
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, the cat began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
*****
Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
*****
Henry
*****
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
I know that some of you are wondering what happened. I am sure the bones will knit within the next few weeks. By then the bruises and cuts will have healed. Thanks for your cards & best wishes.
What was really shocking is that all this happened in my local convenience store! My lawyer is looking into the basis for a maximum-sized lawsuit.
I was innocently standing there, admiring a stunningly beautiful young woman. After she paid her bill, she walked out and got into a new Jaguar convertible. As she backed out, I was suddenly struck with an epiphany - a revelation of a fact that should have been clear for years.
It is not that the beautiful girls get the expensive luxury cars -- The cars make the women beautiful!!
I was so overwhelmed by this flash of insight that I blurted it out for everyone to hear. Then, without thinking, I turned to the female cashier and asked, ..."How is your Yugo."
*****
THIS JUST IN -
The Russian News Agency reported today that the Russian Navy had made another successful entry into the sunken nuclear submarine Kursk. Divers recovered several classified electronic artifacts, three more notes from perished crew members, and seventeen Florida absentee ballots marked for Gore.
*****
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
*****
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
*****
A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
*****
Henry
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
I know that some of you are wondering what happened. I am sure the bones will knit within the next few weeks. By then the bruises and cuts will have healed. Thanks for your cards & best wishes.
What was really shocking is that all this happened in my local convenience store! My lawyer is looking into the basis for a maximum-sized lawsuit.
I was innocently standing there, admiring a stunningly beautiful young woman. After she paid her bill, she walked out and got into a new Jaguar convertible. As she backed out, I was suddenly struck with an epiphany - a revelation of a fact that should have been clear for years.
It is not that the beautiful girls get the expensive luxury cars -- The cars make the women beautiful!!
I was so overwhelmed by this flash of insight that I blurted it out for everyone to hear. Then, without thinking, I turned to the female cashier and asked, ..."How is your Yugo."
*****
THIS JUST IN -
The Russian News Agency reported today that the Russian Navy had made another successful entry into the sunken nuclear submarine Kursk. Divers recovered several classified electronic artifacts, three more notes from perished crew members, and seventeen Florida absentee ballots marked for Gore.
*****
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
*****
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
*****
A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
*****
Henry
Has some changes from the ones I originally read:
Dear Dog/Cat:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats
are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a
gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell
the children.
*****
"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?"
-- Milton Berle
*****
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
*****
INFAMOUS QUOTES OF STATE TROOPERS
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Just how big were those 'two beers'?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
*****
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried . . . or am I just beating a dead horse?"
*****
Henry
"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?"
-- Milton Berle
*****
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
*****
INFAMOUS QUOTES OF STATE TROOPERS
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Just how big were those 'two beers'?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
*****
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried . . . or am I just beating a dead horse?"
*****
Henry