Jokes

Post by **trucker2000** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:35 am

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning
> of the word "service." "The act of doing things for
> other people." Then I heard the terms:
> Internal Revenue Service
> Postal Service
> Telephone Service
> Civil Service
> Selective Service
> City/County Public Service
> Customer Service
> Service Stations
>
> I became confused about the word "service." This is
> not what I thought "service" meant.
>
> Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one
> of them mentioned that he was having
> a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
>
> SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
> Now I understand what all those "service" agencies
> are doing to us.

Website · Post by **brian** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:31 am

Website · Post by **brian** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:33 am

Donald Rumsfeld was giving President Bush his daily war briefing. He concluded by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq."

"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands. With the color almost gone from his face, the President finally looked up and asked...

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion ??"

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:32 am

I had this and the Brazilian one in my in pile for a while but hesitated to post them but now that one has shown up I'll post the other:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your
clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:33 am

poly = many
tick = small blood sucking creature

Put them together and...

Post by **trucker2000** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:56 pm

I saw those same jokes when Clinton was president.

They're still funny.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sat Oct 01, 2005 6:19 am

trucker2000 wrote: I saw those same jokes when Clinton was president. They're still funny.

That's why I usually don't spend much time on joke forums. Some of that stuff is so old Lincoln probably rolled his eyes when he heard them.

Post by **trucker2000** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 3:48 pm

> Why GOD Created Children
>
> WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
> (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
>
> To those of us who have children in our lives,
> whether they are our own,
> grandchildren,
> nieces,
> nephews,
> or students...
> here is something to make you chuckle.
>
> Whenever your children are out of control,
> you can take comfort from the thought that
> even God's omnipotence did not extend
> to His own children.
>
> After creating heaven and earth,
> God created Adam and Eve.
>
> And the first thing he said was
> "DON'T! " Don't what? "
> Adam replied.
>
>
>
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
> God said.
>
> "Forbidden fruit?
> We have forbidden fruit?
> Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! "
>
>
> "No Way! "
>
> "Yes way! "
>
> "Do NOT eat the fruit! "
> said God.
>
> "Why ? "
>
> "Because I am your Father and I said so! "
>
> God replied,
> wondering why He hadn't stopped
> creation after making the elephants.
>
> A few minutes later,
> God saw His children having an apple break
> and He was ticked!
>
> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
> God asked.
>
> "Uh huh,"
> Adam replied.
>
>
> "Then why did you? "
> said the Father.
>
> "I don't know,"
> said Eve.
>
> "She started it! "
> Adam said.
>
>
> "Did not! "
>
>
> "Did too! "
>
>
> "DID NOT! "
>
> Having had it with the two of them,
> God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
> should have children of their own.
>
> Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
>
>
>
> BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>
> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
> children wisdom and they
>
> haven't taken it,
> don't be hard on yourself.
>
> If God had trouble raising children,
> what makes you think it would be
> a piece of cake for you?
>
> THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life
> teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
> the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
> up.
>
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward
> for not killing your own children.
>
> 3. Mothers of teens now know why
> some animals eat their young.
>
> 4. Children seldom misquote you.
> In fact,
> they usually repeat word for word
> what you shouldn't have said.
>
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
> is to remind yourself that there are children
> more awful than your own.
>
> 6. We childproofed our homes,
> but they are still getting in.
>
>
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
>
> Be nice to your kids.
> They will choose your
> nursing home one day.
>
> AND FINALLY:
>
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
> AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
> DO WHAT IT SAYS
> ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
>
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
> AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sun Oct 09, 2005 11:23 am

Not bad....not bad.

My 8 year old grand niece told me this one:

Why did the boy take a computer to school?

Because his Mother told him to take the Treacher an Apple.

It may be an old one???? But....I'd never heard it, before.

Post by **trucker2000** » Sun Oct 09, 2005 1:22 pm

That's cute. Probably accurate too.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:32 pm

Another kid joke:

Why did the Oreo go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy.

Website · Post by **brian** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 6:36 am

Remember this gem?

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:24 am

Groan.......

Post by **trucker2000** » Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:20 pm

brian wrote:Remember this gem?

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Do I have to remember it??

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 11:22 am

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

I don't know...

I don't know, who?

Well, if you don't know...how am I suppose to know.