*****
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Eschew obfuscation.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs.
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Air Pollution is a "mist-demeaner."
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
*****
Henry
Recycling
Disclaimer: My sister is the source of all the man-bashing jokes. The views of the sister do not necessarily reflect the views of the poster.In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
*****
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
*****
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
*****
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
*****
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
*****
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
*****
California smog test: Can UCLA?
*****
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
*****
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.
*****
Employees at Midas Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
*****
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
*****
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
*****
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
*****
Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.
*****
In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stable environment.
*****
Henry
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
*****
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
*****
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
*****
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
*****
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
*****
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
*****
California smog test: Can UCLA?
*****
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
*****
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.
*****
Employees at Midas Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
*****
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
*****
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
*****
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
*****
Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.
*****
In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stable environment.
*****
Henry
*****
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
Anonymous
*****
Remember, skydivers are good to the last drop.
*****
Speaking of cows, did you hear about the cow that had so much milk that her milk-pail overflowed.......It was an udder waste.
*****
While teaching the concept of frequency to his students, Dennis apparently tells them that if you get hit 27 times per second, that's how much it hertz.
*****
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capitol was always doublin'.
*****
A botanist working in South America claims to have discovered a nomadic tree...that's right...it just packs up it's trunk and leaves.
*****
Definition of a paradox: Donald and Daffy.
*****
Definition of a paradox: Ruth and Brothers
*****
Eschew obfuscation - remember, only you can prevent excess superflous redundancy!
*****
Henry
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
Anonymous
*****
Remember, skydivers are good to the last drop.
*****
Speaking of cows, did you hear about the cow that had so much milk that her milk-pail overflowed.......It was an udder waste.
*****
While teaching the concept of frequency to his students, Dennis apparently tells them that if you get hit 27 times per second, that's how much it hertz.
*****
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capitol was always doublin'.
*****
A botanist working in South America claims to have discovered a nomadic tree...that's right...it just packs up it's trunk and leaves.
*****
Definition of a paradox: Donald and Daffy.
*****
Definition of a paradox: Ruth and Brothers
*****
Eschew obfuscation - remember, only you can prevent excess superflous redundancy!
*****
Henry
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
Cats in Physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
*****
Henry
Cats in Physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
*****
Henry
*****
Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in space or time, the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more marvelous it becomes.
Charles A. Lindbergh - Autobiography of Values
*****
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
*****
Vern was complaining over his high insurance premiums because of his age and being a bachelor.
"If you got married," teased his buddy Dick, "The premium would be lower."
Vern smiled, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
*****
SCIENCE PROJECT
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
*****
Henry
Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in space or time, the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more marvelous it becomes.
Charles A. Lindbergh - Autobiography of Values
*****
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
*****
Vern was complaining over his high insurance premiums because of his age and being a bachelor.
"If you got married," teased his buddy Dick, "The premium would be lower."
Vern smiled, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
*****
SCIENCE PROJECT
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
*****
Henry
*****
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner (1881-1958) , Founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
*****
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
*****
Saw this one in the men's room at a freeway rest area. It was mounted over the electric hot air hand dryer:
"To hear Bush's next speech, Press button.
*****
You have heard many things of that great sword Excalibur but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin Excalibrogue? Now unlike his cousin Excalibur, Excalibrogue was a singing sword.
The sword was taken up by the future king of ireland. As in his cousin's tale, Excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories. Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.
After that Excalibrogues song was off key and things started going wrong for poor Aaron. He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.
Aaron turned to the sword and begged for answers.
The sword said. "You should have known there'd be hell to pay ... when I lost my temper."
*****
While stationed in Washington, D.C., this man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet." The MP held back a smile and waved him on.
*****
The lil' Yuppy was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
*****
Henry
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner (1881-1958) , Founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
*****
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
*****
Saw this one in the men's room at a freeway rest area. It was mounted over the electric hot air hand dryer:
"To hear Bush's next speech, Press button.
*****
You have heard many things of that great sword Excalibur but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin Excalibrogue? Now unlike his cousin Excalibur, Excalibrogue was a singing sword.
The sword was taken up by the future king of ireland. As in his cousin's tale, Excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories. Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.
After that Excalibrogues song was off key and things started going wrong for poor Aaron. He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.
Aaron turned to the sword and begged for answers.
The sword said. "You should have known there'd be hell to pay ... when I lost my temper."
*****
While stationed in Washington, D.C., this man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet." The MP held back a smile and waved him on.
*****
The lil' Yuppy was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
*****
Henry
*****
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.
~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
~ Darn, there go the lights again...
~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
~ What's this doing here?
~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
~ What do you mean you want a divorce!
~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
~ FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
*****
Henry
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.
~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
~ Darn, there go the lights again...
~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
~ What's this doing here?
~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
~ What do you mean you want a divorce!
~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
~ FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
*****
Henry
*****
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=====================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=====================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm friggin' bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was friggin' bored, not friggin' stupid!"
=====================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=====================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=====================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=====================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
=====================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=====================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=====================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
=====================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
*****
Henry
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=====================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=====================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm friggin' bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was friggin' bored, not friggin' stupid!"
=====================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=====================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=====================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=====================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
=====================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=====================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=====================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
=====================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
*****
Henry
*****
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
*****
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
*****
"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."
Al Gore
*****
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, ......'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
*****
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, ......"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
*****
Henry
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
*****
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
*****
"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."
Al Gore
*****
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, ......'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
*****
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, ......"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
*****
Henry
*****
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
*****
Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."
My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
*****
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it's really working!!
*****
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?"
The girl replied, "I don't know...I haven't eaten one yet."
*****
A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
*****
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
*****
Henry
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
*****
Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."
My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
*****
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it's really working!!
*****
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?"
The girl replied, "I don't know...I haven't eaten one yet."
*****
A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
*****
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
*****
Henry
*****
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Plato (427-347 B.C.)
*****
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
*****
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
*****
One afternoon we lost the use of the phone system in our corporate offices. An announcement informed us that a work crew had accidentally cut the telecommunications lines while digging a hole for a new sign pole. Leaving at the end of the day, we were surprised to see what the new sign said:
Dig with caution...communication cables buried below.
*****
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
*****
Henry
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Plato (427-347 B.C.)
*****
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
*****
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
*****
One afternoon we lost the use of the phone system in our corporate offices. An announcement informed us that a work crew had accidentally cut the telecommunications lines while digging a hole for a new sign pole. Leaving at the end of the day, we were surprised to see what the new sign said:
Dig with caution...communication cables buried below.
*****
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
*****
Henry
*****
The U.S.G.A. has published several alterations to the "2003 Rules of Golf " to accommodate senior players (50+). For those of you who have already received your pocket version as a member of the Associates program, please make the following pen and ink changes.........
(Rule 20-2C. Lifting, Dropping, And Placing)
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
(Rule 23-1.Loose Impediments)
A ball striking a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from that point.
(Definitions. Lost Ball)
There is no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be located and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
(Rule 19-5b. Ball in Motion Deflected or Stopped)
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the rules of golf.
(Rule 18-1. Ball at Rest Moved)
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
(Rule 27-1.Ball Lost or Out of Bounds)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
(Rule 26-1. Water Hazards)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturers' shortcomings.
(Appendix II. Design of Clubs)
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially prohibitive for the average senior golfer, 1/2 stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
*****
Henry
The U.S.G.A. has published several alterations to the "2003 Rules of Golf " to accommodate senior players (50+). For those of you who have already received your pocket version as a member of the Associates program, please make the following pen and ink changes.........
(Rule 20-2C. Lifting, Dropping, And Placing)
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
(Rule 23-1.Loose Impediments)
A ball striking a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from that point.
(Definitions. Lost Ball)
There is no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be located and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
(Rule 19-5b. Ball in Motion Deflected or Stopped)
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the rules of golf.
(Rule 18-1. Ball at Rest Moved)
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
(Rule 27-1.Ball Lost or Out of Bounds)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
(Rule 26-1. Water Hazards)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturers' shortcomings.
(Appendix II. Design of Clubs)
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially prohibitive for the average senior golfer, 1/2 stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
*****
Henry