Recycling

[Xjmt]

See how difficult it is to be an executive?


Subject: Why I fired my secretary...


Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for
the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go. We
dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's
go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turns to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into my bedroom for a moment. I'll be
right back. "

"OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake....

Followed by my wife, kids, and a dozen of my friends and co-workers, all
singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

*****
A handyman died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. After looking through the book the angel said, "sorry, your name's not here. The one-way downward staircase is right over there."

Now in hell the handyman commented how hot it was to the devil. "Of course it's hot! This is hell" he replied. The handyman went on to tell how good he was with tools. He could put in an ice machine, swimming pool, and air conditioner. "Go for it!" the devil gleefully said.

At the top of the stairs the angel heard the screaming stop, and called the devil on the phone. The devil told him how they were all sitting around the pool, sipping umbrella drinks, enjoying hell's new pleasures. The angel said, "No, you're all supposed to be in torment. Rip all that stuff out and send the handyman back up here."

"Nope" the devil replied. "We have plans. Maybe a home theater." "Look" said the angel, "if you don't send the handyman back, I'll sue."

The devil answered, "Now where will YOU ever find a lawyer?"

*****
A Texas Aggie was down on his luck and needed some cash, so he headed for the rich part of town to see if he could pick up some odd jobs.

Knocking on the door of a palatial mansion, a televangelist answered. After hearing the Aggie's pitch the televangelist said, "I was just getting ready to paint my porch. The materials are all ready to go in back. I'll pay you $25." Agreeing, the Aggie headed for the back.

The TV preacher then walked back inside, laughing to himself about how he'd conned an Aggie into painting the porch, at least a two day job, for $25.

A half hour later the Aggie rang the bell and said he was finished. When asked how he'd finished so quickly, he replied that it wasn't that big of a job... and "by the way, that ain't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

*****
A millionare was on his death bed... and was determined to take his money with him. He called his three closes friends to his side, a preacher, a doctor, and a lawyer, and said these words.

"Gentlemen, I want to take it with me. I'd planned to fill my coffin with $100 bills, but I can't because my family is a bunch of crooks. During the viewing they'd help themselves to the money, and I know the coffin would hold nothing except my body by burial time.

Instead I've put the cash into these three briefcases. I'm giving one to each of you. Hold onto them until just before they're ready to lower me in and shovel in the dirt. Pop the lid on the casket, put the briefcases in, and watch them finish the job. You're my three closest friends. I'm depending on you."

The three men told him he could count on them and took the briefcases. After the millionare died they faithfully carried out his request, but as they walked away from the fresh grave the minister began to weep.

He confessed how he'd been overcome by temptation, and had put an empty briefcase into the coffin. The doctor told him not to be so hard on himself. He'd done the same thing. The lawyer began to berate them, reminding them how their friend had trusted them. How could they have done such a thing?

"You mean you didn't give into the temptation" they said?

"Oh I put in an empty briefcase too" said the lawyer. "But I included a check for the entire amount!"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Two beggars are sitting on a bench in Mexico City.

One man is holding a large cross and the other is holding a Star of David. Both are holding big hats to collect contributions.

People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and, almost for spite, drop large amounts of money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David still empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man holding the Star of David and says, "Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says "Moishe, can you imagine? This guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

*****
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say ***." "OK!," the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his backside every step.

The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I get you out!" then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios."

*****
A priest and rabbi, who lived across from each other, decided to by a car together to help cut their transportation costs around town. They went out to look the car over when it was delivered. The priest came out with some holy water and blessed the car. The rabbi thought a minute, went back into his house, returned with a hacksaw and cut two inches off the tail pipe.

*****
ADAM came home in the wee hours of the morning, and EVE was suspicious. "Is there someone else?" she demanded.

"Of course not, darling." Adam reasoned with her. "In all of creation, there's no other woman like you."

Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. But after he fell asleep, she very carefully counted his ribs.

*****
On the first day God created the cow.

God said,"You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty
the cows gave back, and the ten the dogs gave back and the ten monkeys gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the porch and bark at everybody.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Becareful of what you wish ........

[Henry J]

*****
Possibly the funniest story in a long while, this is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure .... is there such a thing as a "Most Stupid" award?

Dear Sir, "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally, impressive speed.... this explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience dizziness. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up..... this accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.... this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."</font>

*****
(Actually though, I'm not entirely sure that "funny" is the right word for that one...)

Henry

[Henry J]

Re "Becareful of what you wish ..."

Especially if Anyanca is around...

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Idiots in service
> > >
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

> > >
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
> > >
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
> > >
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
> > >
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
> > >
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
> > >
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
> > >
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
> > >
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would livelong and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between Espn and Espn2.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

*****
Hey,
I can relate.

I am a graduate assistant that teaches freshmen chemistry, biology, and calculus -depending on what professor I get.

I wish I could post some answers, but it is against my contract.
I try to be positive, but sometimes their lack of responsiblity just kills me.

Get this. Three girls organized a cheating scam. The assignment was to write out a lab report. These three girls copied the same report from a student who took the class three semsters ago. Like the questions are going ot be the same. The GA who taught the class was even different. Anyway, they turned in the reports together -one on top of the other!

Do I come across as a stupid person? I mean really -do I seem so flaky that I wouldn't be able to tell if three lab reports were written exactly the same with same wrong problems and the same wrong answers answers. I mean I was offended! At least try to challenge me.

Oh and that is not the best part. They went to the head professor to complain about me when I gave them all Os. Like he gives a rat's patootie about their personal problems. He doesn't even care about me -what makes them think he cares about what the students think. He told them to get the hell out of his office. Yeah, those calculus profs are known for their warmth! He only has two things to say to me: grade these and teach this. That's it!

Perplexed,

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Perplexed,

Aren't you always?

[Xjmt]

There was a young girl from Bayonne
Who went to the dentist alone
And in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
My gosh how his practice has grown.

[Henry J]

*****
An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, how's about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

*****
LAST RITES

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest," the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.

A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

(with thanks to the About the House BB where I swiped this from!)

*****

Henry

[brian]

Klingon Fairy Tales

BY MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN

- - - -

"Goldilocks Dies With Honor at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

"There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe With a Big Spike on It"

"The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All"

"Jack and the Giant Settle Their Differences With Flaming Knives"

"Old Mother Hubbard, Lacking the Means to Support Herself With Honor, Sets Her Disruptor on Self-Destruct and Waits for the Inevitable"

"Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious"

"Little Red Riding Hood Strays Into the Neutral Zone and Is Never Heard From Again, Although There Are Rumors ... Awful, Awful Rumors"

"Hansel and Gretel Offend Vlad the Impaler"

"The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates"