*****
Subject: FW: Darwin Award: Madison, AL (true story) 01/24/2001 02:47 PM
January 17, 2001. Madison Alabama.
While waiting at the light at the intersection of Old Madison Pike and Wall Triana (facing east) the driver of the car in front was observed to be fixing her hair and smoking a cigarette while waiting for the light to change.
When the combing was done, she took another drag on her cigarette and reached for a can of hair spray with the cigarette still dangling from her lips. Holding the can at arms length in her right hand she proceeded to spray her newly combed hair.
The spray came into contact with the glowing coal and a deflagration (as opposed to detonation, for you tech types) ensued. The sheet of flame engulfed much of the interior of the vehicle and largely vented out of the partially opened driver's side window which probably kept this from being a full blown Darwin Award. The dazed woman stumbled out of her vehicle, and, when approached by another motorist (laughing hysterically) coming to offer assistance, proceeded to slug the erstwhile good samaritan.
*****
When migrating, geese habitually fly in "V" formations. This is because a bird following behind another one has less wind slowing it and draining its energy, so it can fly further between rest stops.
Ergo, the goose in front is acting as a wind breaker for those behind. They trade places every now and then so as to share the load.
From this we can conclude that geese are highly social animals.
Why?
Geese take turns breaking wind for each other.
*****
Henry
Recycling
*****
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it wasn't Walter who lacked intelligence?
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to "please come out and give himself up".
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automatic teller machines. The kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week for Certs. He allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher".
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home-a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack of stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms." He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
In Modesto, CA, Steven R. King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
*****
Henry
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it wasn't Walter who lacked intelligence?
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to "please come out and give himself up".
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automatic teller machines. The kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week for Certs. He allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher".
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home-a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack of stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms." He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
In Modesto, CA, Steven R. King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
*****
Henry
-----
How to Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says "Liberia is in Africa."
You say "You're being defensive."
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.
Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
-----
Henry
How to Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says "Liberia is in Africa."
You say "You're being defensive."
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.
Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
-----
Henry
*****
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
--------------------------
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
*****
Henry
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
--------------------------
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
*****
Henry
***
Subject: Fw: One for the lawyers
Enjoy!!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning
monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our ... loan?"
They got it
***
Henry
Subject: Fw: One for the lawyers
Enjoy!!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning
monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our ... loan?"
They got it
***
Henry
****
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Do infomercial on how to make millions with dead horse, featuring testimonial from Joe Sixpack.
****
Henry
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Do infomercial on how to make millions with dead horse, featuring testimonial from Joe Sixpack.
****
Henry
****
Subject: Revenge is Sweet!
Beamer, Samuel wrote:
Revenge is sweet.
WRONG NUMBER
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
****
Henry
Subject: Revenge is Sweet!
Beamer, Samuel wrote:
Revenge is sweet.
WRONG NUMBER
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
****
Henry
-------------------------------------------------
Finagle's Rules for Scientific Research
1. Do not believe in miracles--- rely on them.
2. Experiments must be reproducible--- they should all fail the same way.
3. Always verify your witchcraft.
4. First draw your curves, then plot your readings.
5. Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation.
6. A record of data is useful--- it indicates that you've been working.
7. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
8. To study a subject best-- understand it thoroughly before you start.
9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10. If everything is going according to plan - you've obviously overlooked something...
11. Never forget - If you've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right - You've got a 90% chance of getting it wrong! (aka - The 50/50-90 Rule!)
12. The Law of Universal Gravitation: A falling object tends toward the direction in which it can do maximal damage.
A mathematician, testing the conjecture "All odd numbers greater than 1 are prime", considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime -- so the conjecture is false."
A chemist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime; 11 is prime; 13 is prime -- there's some experimental error, but it seems true."
An economist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is prime ..."
A mathematician had a fire in his kitchen. He filled a pot with water, and extinguished the fire.
The next day, he had another fire. This time there was a pot of water standing around. So he emptied the pot, thereby reducing the problem to one he had already solved.
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
Finagle's Rules for Scientific Research
1. Do not believe in miracles--- rely on them.
2. Experiments must be reproducible--- they should all fail the same way.
3. Always verify your witchcraft.
4. First draw your curves, then plot your readings.
5. Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation.
6. A record of data is useful--- it indicates that you've been working.
7. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
8. To study a subject best-- understand it thoroughly before you start.
9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10. If everything is going according to plan - you've obviously overlooked something...
11. Never forget - If you've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right - You've got a 90% chance of getting it wrong! (aka - The 50/50-90 Rule!)
12. The Law of Universal Gravitation: A falling object tends toward the direction in which it can do maximal damage.
A mathematician, testing the conjecture "All odd numbers greater than 1 are prime", considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime -- so the conjecture is false."
A chemist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime; 11 is prime; 13 is prime -- there's some experimental error, but it seems true."
An economist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is prime ..."
A mathematician had a fire in his kitchen. He filled a pot with water, and extinguished the fire.
The next day, he had another fire. This time there was a pot of water standing around. So he emptied the pot, thereby reducing the problem to one he had already solved.
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Have a great day!
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
*****
antiparticle - (1) One who generalizes (i.e., is anti-particularization); (2) The sister of one of the parents of a particle.
Avogadro's Number: Unlisted
Avogadro used to have a number, but his moles kept chewing through the wires to his phone.
(mole - (1) Small rodent-like mammal. (2) An unlisted number of atoms or molecules of a substance. (3) Oops, I mean Avogadro's number of atoms or molecules of that substance. It has something to do with chemistry.)
barometer - Device for measuring the quality of a bar.
black hole - a natural phenomena that sometimes appears inside clothes washers/dryers that contain too many socks.
electron - (1) One of those little buggers that run around in your appliances, supplying them with energy; (2) A political slogan for somebody named Ron.
energy - Something I don't have enough of.
general relativity - Study of family trees of high ranking army officers.
imaginary number - A number they thunked up cuz they couldn't think of a real number that'd solve the problem.
irrational number - A number that needs therapy.
microwave - A very small goodbye.
momentum - The property of matter that makes it hard to get up in the morning.
neutrino - A little neutron.
neutron - A tron that isn't old.
odometer - A device for detecting Changlings on your space station.
OHM - that's where the heart is...
ohm - (1) A unit of resistance; a person who hangs up on telemarketers has more ohms than one who buys stuff. (2) Where your electrician lives.
particle - One who particularizes.
preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.
proton - Somebody what's in favor of tons.
Quark - A Ferengi bartender on a space station.
quark - an odd little habit
And here I thought a little habit would be an outfit worn by a short nun?
round tu-it - Something like a square tu-it, but with the corners shaved off. Example usage: "I'll do that when I get a round tu-it."
superconductor - A great employee of a railroad company.
TANGENT - George Hamilton
WATT - an electrical question
wavelength - How long you wave when saying goodbye to somebody.
ZINC - where you wash the dishes.
*****
Henry
antiparticle - (1) One who generalizes (i.e., is anti-particularization); (2) The sister of one of the parents of a particle.
Avogadro's Number: Unlisted
Avogadro used to have a number, but his moles kept chewing through the wires to his phone.
(mole - (1) Small rodent-like mammal. (2) An unlisted number of atoms or molecules of a substance. (3) Oops, I mean Avogadro's number of atoms or molecules of that substance. It has something to do with chemistry.)
barometer - Device for measuring the quality of a bar.
black hole - a natural phenomena that sometimes appears inside clothes washers/dryers that contain too many socks.
electron - (1) One of those little buggers that run around in your appliances, supplying them with energy; (2) A political slogan for somebody named Ron.
energy - Something I don't have enough of.
general relativity - Study of family trees of high ranking army officers.
imaginary number - A number they thunked up cuz they couldn't think of a real number that'd solve the problem.
irrational number - A number that needs therapy.
microwave - A very small goodbye.
momentum - The property of matter that makes it hard to get up in the morning.
neutrino - A little neutron.
neutron - A tron that isn't old.
odometer - A device for detecting Changlings on your space station.
OHM - that's where the heart is...
ohm - (1) A unit of resistance; a person who hangs up on telemarketers has more ohms than one who buys stuff. (2) Where your electrician lives.
particle - One who particularizes.
preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.
proton - Somebody what's in favor of tons.
Quark - A Ferengi bartender on a space station.
quark - an odd little habit
And here I thought a little habit would be an outfit worn by a short nun?
round tu-it - Something like a square tu-it, but with the corners shaved off. Example usage: "I'll do that when I get a round tu-it."
superconductor - A great employee of a railroad company.
TANGENT - George Hamilton
WATT - an electrical question
wavelength - How long you wave when saying goodbye to somebody.
ZINC - where you wash the dishes.
*****
Henry
*****
The pain passes, but the beauty remains.
Pierre Auguste Renoir
*****
THE AWESOME POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD!
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR:
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
*****
Henry
The pain passes, but the beauty remains.
Pierre Auguste Renoir
*****
THE AWESOME POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD!
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR:
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
*****
Henry