interesting guy to work with..
Recycling
lswot*****
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
*****
Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
You'll be happy to know that so far, the best name my spell checker has come up with is Calista Fartworth.
You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.
It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.
Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.
Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?
I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-IV dishwasher.
If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?
Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
*****
Henry
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
*****
Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
You'll be happy to know that so far, the best name my spell checker has come up with is Calista Fartworth.
You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.
It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.
Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.
Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?
I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-IV dishwasher.
If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?
Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
*****
Henry
*****
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
Millard Fuller
*****
Trojan Email Chronicle
> FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
> TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
>
> Hey Hector,
> This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
> distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
> Thanks,
> Laocoon
>
>> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
>> DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND WILL OVERWRITE YOUR
>> ENTIRE CITY! YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING!
>> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
>> tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
>> abandoned.
>>
>> DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
>> incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily
>> armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town,
>> and kill your women and children. If you have already received such
>> a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and
>> set fire to it by the beach.
>>
>> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>>
>> Poseidon /|
FROM: princeh@troy.gov
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector
*****
Henry
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
Millard Fuller
*****
Trojan Email Chronicle
> FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
> TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
>
> Hey Hector,
> This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
> distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
> Thanks,
> Laocoon
>
>> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
>> DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND WILL OVERWRITE YOUR
>> ENTIRE CITY! YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING!
>> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
>> tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
>> abandoned.
>>
>> DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
>> incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily
>> armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town,
>> and kill your women and children. If you have already received such
>> a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and
>> set fire to it by the beach.
>>
>> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>>
>> Poseidon /|
FROM: princeh@troy.gov
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector
*****
Henry
*****
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.
Clive James
*****
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*****
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*****
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
*****
Henry
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.
Clive James
*****
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*****
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*****
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
*****
Henry
*****
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
*****
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*****
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
*****
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
*****
Yesterday I got a letter from the IRS. That's NEVER good news, y'know?
Turns out they denied a 50% depreciation deduction on me.
Well, I tried, y'know. It all started when The Bride said I wasn't half the man I used to be . . .
*****
Henry
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
*****
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*****
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
*****
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
*****
Yesterday I got a letter from the IRS. That's NEVER good news, y'know?
Turns out they denied a 50% depreciation deduction on me.
Well, I tried, y'know. It all started when The Bride said I wasn't half the man I used to be . . .
*****
Henry
*****
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
*****
Henry
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
*****
Henry
*****
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
DEAR SIR OR MADAM
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand ?
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
*****
Henry
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*****
DEAR SIR OR MADAM
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand ?
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
*****
Henry
*****
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
*****
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
*****
Henry
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
*****
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
*****
Henry
*****
Heavenly Entrance Exam
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
*****
Henry
Heavenly Entrance Exam
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
*****
Henry
*****
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
*****
Now here's 1 100 u:
There are 10 kinds of people - those who use binary and those who don't.
*****
Henry
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
*****
Now here's 1 100 u:
There are 10 kinds of people - those who use binary and those who don't.
*****
Henry
The only thing you get from resting on your laurels is flat laurels.
*****
Bumper stickers ....
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Hang up and drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
*****
Top 10 Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
*****
Henry
*****
Bumper stickers ....
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Hang up and drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
*****
Top 10 Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
*****
Henry
*****
The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization.
Mikhail Gorbachev , June 8, 1990
*****
Subject: Philosophy
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- here in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
or
The meek shall inherit the earth - while the rest of us will escape to the stars.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*****
Henry
The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization.
Mikhail Gorbachev , June 8, 1990
*****
Subject: Philosophy
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- here in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
or
The meek shall inherit the earth - while the rest of us will escape to the stars.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*****
Henry