A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.
"This your ball?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, I think it is."
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."
"Gee, I'm sorry." said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?"
The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."
................
They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered. "Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"
.................
Hacker: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
Caddy: Some time before dark, I hope.
......................
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, attempting to ignore the announcer. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
*************
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.
If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse hasall four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
**************
Henry
Recycling
INSTALLING LOVE
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
********
Henry
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
********
Henry
Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingee blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the phone directory, call I.T.
******
Henry
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingee blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the phone directory, call I.T.
******
Henry
JEWISH COOKING BY MARTHA STEWART
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water-no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni [noodles]. Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines:"Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent [see below] and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant [kosher, of course] I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son [5 years old] looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ["chrain"] which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. Personally, I think this is a cheap imitation of the Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzel, minus the coarse salt.
******
Henry
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water-no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni [noodles]. Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines:"Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent [see below] and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant [kosher, of course] I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son [5 years old] looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ["chrain"] which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. Personally, I think this is a cheap imitation of the Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzel, minus the coarse salt.
******
Henry
Subject: You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
I wasn't going to scroll back.....but, couldn't resist. 
FAQ for the Pregnant Couple
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, moron?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Henry
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, moron?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Henry
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke,
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
*************
The accused strode to the front of the courtroom and said to the judge, "Your honor, I wish to plead guilty."
"Why didn't you do so at the beginning of the trial?" the judge demanded.
"Because," he replied, "I thought I was innocent but at that time I hadn't heard all the evidence against me."
*************
Henry
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke,
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
*************
The accused strode to the front of the courtroom and said to the judge, "Your honor, I wish to plead guilty."
"Why didn't you do so at the beginning of the trial?" the judge demanded.
"Because," he replied, "I thought I was innocent but at that time I hadn't heard all the evidence against me."
*************
Henry
Is this the B&B Plea?The accused strode to the front of the courtroom and said to the judge, "Your honor, I wish to plead guilty."
"Why didn't you do so at the beginning of the trial?" the judge demanded.
"Because," he replied, "I thought I was innocent but at that time I hadn't heard all the evidence against me."
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
These are supposed to by factual calls! I don't doubt it.
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "I seem to be having problems running my Landscape Navigator."
Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail and it's NO DAMN GOOD!"
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "You gave me the CD and the manual, but you DIDN'T GIVE A MODEM!!!"
~~~~~
Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."
~~~~~
Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."
Tech: "What's your email address?"
Customer: "I don't have one."
Tech: "You don't have one? Did you install the starter kit?"
Customer: "Did I need to?"
~~~~~
Tech: "Welcome to tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: "You sounded much nicer the last time we spoke."
Tech: "Pardon me?"
Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer and I thought you had a lovely voice."
Tech: "Uhhh, are you sure it was me?"
Customer: "Yes, definitely you."
Tech: "Well, uhhh, what can I help you with?"
Customer: "Well, I'm gay and I'm feeling lonely . . . "
~~~~~
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?"
"Windows 97."
"Windows 99."
"Windows Express."
"Windows 85 -- uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."
~~~~~
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"
~~~~~
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm. Does this mean I need a computer?"
~~~~~
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.
***********
The Wall Street type wanted to be proud of his family roots. After getting past the more recent trailer dwellers, he discovered some ancestors that had come to America on the Mayflower. The line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now he decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. He hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose ---- how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The guy said he could handle that chapter of history factually.
The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."
***********
Henry
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "I seem to be having problems running my Landscape Navigator."
Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail and it's NO DAMN GOOD!"
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "You gave me the CD and the manual, but you DIDN'T GIVE A MODEM!!!"
~~~~~
Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."
~~~~~
Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."
Tech: "What's your email address?"
Customer: "I don't have one."
Tech: "You don't have one? Did you install the starter kit?"
Customer: "Did I need to?"
~~~~~
Tech: "Welcome to tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: "You sounded much nicer the last time we spoke."
Tech: "Pardon me?"
Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer and I thought you had a lovely voice."
Tech: "Uhhh, are you sure it was me?"
Customer: "Yes, definitely you."
Tech: "Well, uhhh, what can I help you with?"
Customer: "Well, I'm gay and I'm feeling lonely . . . "
~~~~~
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?"
"Windows 97."
"Windows 99."
"Windows Express."
"Windows 85 -- uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."
~~~~~
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"
~~~~~
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm. Does this mean I need a computer?"
~~~~~
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.
***********
The Wall Street type wanted to be proud of his family roots. After getting past the more recent trailer dwellers, he discovered some ancestors that had come to America on the Mayflower. The line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now he decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. He hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose ---- how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The guy said he could handle that chapter of history factually.
The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."
***********
Henry