Henry J wrote:Check -> mate
Oops wrong thread, never mind.
Well, I was thinking of the TOS episode, "A Piece of the Action!"
Recycling
lswot*****
In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
*****
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dumbass."
*****
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes!"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes!!"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes!!"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
*****
Henry
In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
*****
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dumbass."
*****
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes!"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes!!"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes!!"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
*****
Henry
*****
Seen on "T" Shirts
1) My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
21) Procrastinate Now
22) Rehab Is for Quitters
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15 .
25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.
26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith and Wesson.
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
*****
Henry
Seen on "T" Shirts
1) My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
21) Procrastinate Now
22) Rehab Is for Quitters
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15 .
25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.
26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith and Wesson.
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
*****
Henry
*****
Some Of The Worst News Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
*****
(So, just how big was this violin?)
(The veterinarian takes over what, exactly? On second thought, don't tell me.)
(Maybe the police should hire that tree, make it a detective?)
(They should'a used duct tape.)
Henry
Some Of The Worst News Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
*****
(So, just how big was this violin?)
(The veterinarian takes over what, exactly? On second thought, don't tell me.)
(Maybe the police should hire that tree, make it a detective?)
(They should'a used duct tape.)
Henry
*****
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth Galbraith
*****
Jewish Buddhism
*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bubkis.
*****
Henry
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth Galbraith
*****
Jewish Buddhism
*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.
*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bubkis.
*****
Henry
*****
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Kin Hubbard
*****
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
*****
Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have.
Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!"
Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."
Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"
*****
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
*****
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
*****
Henry
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Kin Hubbard
*****
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
*****
Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have.
Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!"
Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."
Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"
*****
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
*****
Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
*****
Henry
*****
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
*****
MILITARY WISDOM
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*****
Henry
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
*****
MILITARY WISDOM
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
*****
Henry
*****
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Indian Proverb
*****
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You can make sun tea instantly.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*****
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by passed gas so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
*****
Henry
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Indian Proverb
*****
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You can make sun tea instantly.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*****
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by passed gas so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
*****
Henry
*****
I have no idea if these are true, but that make good readin'.
Things that make you go--"hmmmm"
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
(I suppose it was all relative.)
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this, how'd they study it, and why?)
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
(Uh oh - watch out for Tux.)
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller in the morning.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
(Kaaaa-chooo!)
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
(Quack!)
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
(One ringie dingie... Two ringie dingie... )
19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
(Well, to air is human.)
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
(Is that before or after your bath?)
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
(Okaaaayyy, but in what movie was it the star?)
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
(to be continued...)
*****
Henry
I have no idea if these are true, but that make good readin'.
Things that make you go--"hmmmm"
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
(I suppose it was all relative.)
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this, how'd they study it, and why?)
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
(Uh oh - watch out for Tux.)
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller in the morning.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
(Kaaaa-chooo!)
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
(Quack!)
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
(One ringie dingie... Two ringie dingie... )
19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
(Well, to air is human.)
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
(Is that before or after your bath?)
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
(Okaaaayyy, but in what movie was it the star?)
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
(to be continued...)
*****
Henry
*****
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
*****
Henry
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
*****
Henry
*****
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
*****
Last summer, a group of horrified European tourists entered the Wawona Ranger Station and said their car had been "blown up by terrorists" and that "powder residue from the explosive" was all over the back seat.
Inspecting rangers found that the "powder residue from the explosive" was actually flour from a box of pancake mix, and that bear paw prints were everywhere amid the powder.
*****
A woman from the Bay Area was hiking to the top of El Capitan on the popular North Rim Trail, a seven-mile hike, when she became lost, saw clouds forming and called 911 on her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter rescue team found her barely off the trail and only about a quarter-mile from the top of El Capitan. Then when the helicopter lifted off with her - and she saw how close she was to the top - she asked the crew to land and let her back out. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.
*****
ANOTHER WOMAN hiker in Yosemite also called 911 with her cellular phone, this time from the top of Half Dome.
"Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired," she told the 911 dispatcher.
"Do you feel sick?" she was asked.
"No, I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."
"You'll have to hike back down the trail for that," she was told by the dispatcher.
"But you don't understand. I'm really tired."
Then, according to a ranger, "Her phone battery luckily died."
*****
All sorts of crazy things can happen in the great outdoors. Once a visitor attempted to lure a squirrel close for a picture by dangling and rattling his car keys. The squirrel then darted out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
*****
MY FAVORITE Yosemite story is about the backpacker who never saw any bears, because he kept sleeping right through their covert nightly visits. So one time, after rigging a bear-proof food hang from a tree limb, he put his sleeping bag directly under it, figuring he'd wake up for sure when the bears came prowling.
Nope. The camper went into deep sleep, that is, until he woke up with a shock - when a bear tried to reach for the hanging food bag, and stepped right on his chest, just about squishing him.
*****
Henry
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
*****
Last summer, a group of horrified European tourists entered the Wawona Ranger Station and said their car had been "blown up by terrorists" and that "powder residue from the explosive" was all over the back seat.
Inspecting rangers found that the "powder residue from the explosive" was actually flour from a box of pancake mix, and that bear paw prints were everywhere amid the powder.
*****
A woman from the Bay Area was hiking to the top of El Capitan on the popular North Rim Trail, a seven-mile hike, when she became lost, saw clouds forming and called 911 on her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter rescue team found her barely off the trail and only about a quarter-mile from the top of El Capitan. Then when the helicopter lifted off with her - and she saw how close she was to the top - she asked the crew to land and let her back out. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.
*****
ANOTHER WOMAN hiker in Yosemite also called 911 with her cellular phone, this time from the top of Half Dome.
"Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired," she told the 911 dispatcher.
"Do you feel sick?" she was asked.
"No, I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."
"You'll have to hike back down the trail for that," she was told by the dispatcher.
"But you don't understand. I'm really tired."
Then, according to a ranger, "Her phone battery luckily died."
*****
All sorts of crazy things can happen in the great outdoors. Once a visitor attempted to lure a squirrel close for a picture by dangling and rattling his car keys. The squirrel then darted out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
*****
MY FAVORITE Yosemite story is about the backpacker who never saw any bears, because he kept sleeping right through their covert nightly visits. So one time, after rigging a bear-proof food hang from a tree limb, he put his sleeping bag directly under it, figuring he'd wake up for sure when the bears came prowling.
Nope. The camper went into deep sleep, that is, until he woke up with a shock - when a bear tried to reach for the hanging food bag, and stepped right on his chest, just about squishing him.
*****
Henry