Something about tabling your rice.Uh, what was I saying?
Recycling
*****
Here at First National, you're not just a number -- you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
***
Just a Number? (Maybe not so far off in the future after all....)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Paradise."
Customer: "Hello, I'd like to order."
Operator: "I need your multipurpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's .. uh ... hold on ... 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "OK. You're... Mr. Sheehan, and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 555-2366, your office 555-2302 and your mobile is 014-555-2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?"
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the System, Sir."
Customer: "I'd like to order your Seafood Pizza?"
Operator: "That's not a good idea, Sir."
Customer: "Why not?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and an even higher cholesterol level, Sir."
Customer: "What?! What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm certain you'll like it"
Customer: "How can you be so sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book called "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library on inter-library loan last week, Sir."
Customer: "OK, I give up! Give me three family-sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: "That should be plenty for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99.
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and your bank account has been overdrawn by $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your house loan.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the nearest ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator: "You can't do that, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle."
Customer: " What in the world?!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Harley ... registration number E1123...."
Customer: "@#%$@&#!"
Operator: "Better watch your language, Sir. Remember on July 15, 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Is there anything else, Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing.... Oh, by the way, aren't you giving me the 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would, Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic."
CLICK!
*****
Henry
Here at First National, you're not just a number -- you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
***
Just a Number? (Maybe not so far off in the future after all....)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Paradise."
Customer: "Hello, I'd like to order."
Operator: "I need your multipurpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's .. uh ... hold on ... 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "OK. You're... Mr. Sheehan, and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 555-2366, your office 555-2302 and your mobile is 014-555-2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?"
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the System, Sir."
Customer: "I'd like to order your Seafood Pizza?"
Operator: "That's not a good idea, Sir."
Customer: "Why not?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and an even higher cholesterol level, Sir."
Customer: "What?! What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm certain you'll like it"
Customer: "How can you be so sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book called "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library on inter-library loan last week, Sir."
Customer: "OK, I give up! Give me three family-sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: "That should be plenty for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99.
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and your bank account has been overdrawn by $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your house loan.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the nearest ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator: "You can't do that, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle."
Customer: " What in the world?!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Harley ... registration number E1123...."
Customer: "@#%$@&#!"
Operator: "Better watch your language, Sir. Remember on July 15, 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Is there anything else, Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing.... Oh, by the way, aren't you giving me the 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would, Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic."
CLICK!
*****
Henry
Big Brother 
lswot*****
Subject: Credit card
A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.
In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been cancelled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.
He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.
Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer..."? Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.
Samuel L. Haring
TO ERR IS HUMAN, BUT...
Sometimes all you can do is laugh.
*****
Or to put it another way: computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
*****
Henry
Subject: Credit card
A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.
In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been cancelled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.
He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.
Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer..."? Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.
Samuel L. Haring
TO ERR IS HUMAN, BUT...
Sometimes all you can do is laugh.
*****
Or to put it another way: computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
*****
Henry
***
Citibank and Death
Be sure to cancel your Credit Cards before you die.... This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me ?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
***
Henry
Citibank and Death
Be sure to cancel your Credit Cards before you die.... This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me ?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
***
Henry
-----
THOUGHT YOU'D ENJOY THIS!
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
11. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
-----------------------------
Gil
-----
Henry
THOUGHT YOU'D ENJOY THIS!
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
11. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
-----------------------------
Gil
-----
Henry
-----
Professional Programer's Operation (PPO?)
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the progra m development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3
6. See 4
7. See 5
8. See 6
9. See 7
10. See 8
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.........
Patty
-----
Henry
Professional Programer's Operation (PPO?)
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the progra m development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3
6. See 4
7. See 5
8. See 6
9. See 7
10. See 8
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.........
Patty
-----
Henry
-----
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
(Dus yur "purfecionist" mnd haf truble rding my eamil??
...GITOVRIT!)
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Pat
-----
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.
His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."
-----
Subject: Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know very well where it went!
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT
HAVE A GOOD DAY!
--------------------
Henry
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
(Dus yur "purfecionist" mnd haf truble rding my eamil??
...GITOVRIT!)
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Pat
-----
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.
His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."
-----
Subject: Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know very well where it went!
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT
HAVE A GOOD DAY!
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
Subject: The Meaning of Service
Do You Know The Meaning of "Service"?
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I actually listened to and heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
--------------------
An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
--------------------
Henry
Subject: The Meaning of Service
Do You Know The Meaning of "Service"?
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I actually listened to and heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
--------------------
An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
--------------------
Henry
---------------------
Remember - the closed mouth gathers no foot!
Eschew obfuscation!
And around another area, Pi R square.
---------------------
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after your monthly boys night out at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100
Broken furniture - $200
Breakfast - $10
Laundry and household services - $160
Saying the right thing - priceless
--------------------
Henry
Remember - the closed mouth gathers no foot!
Eschew obfuscation!
And around another area, Pi R square.
---------------------
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after your monthly boys night out at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100
Broken furniture - $200
Breakfast - $10
Laundry and household services - $160
Saying the right thing - priceless
--------------------
Henry
--------------------
There once was a family of four skunks. A Mother skunk, a Father skunk and two identical twin baby skunks named Inskunk and Outskunk.
Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell one from the other was to keep Inskunk inside all the time and Outskunk outside continually except at meal time.
When being fed, Inskunk would be inside to eat and when done Inskunk would go out and Outskunk would come in to eat. After eating Outskunk would go back outside and Inskunk would come back in.
They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion. One day Mother skunk had to go in to town and left Father skunk to look after Inskunk and Outskunk. As she was leaving she reminded Father skunk not to mix up the two as the last time it took a week to sort out which was which.
Father skunk just replied, "Don't worry dear. I can tell them apart." So off she went. When lunch time arrived Father skunk let Outskunk in to eat without letting Inskunk outside. Mother skunk just happened to come home at that time and was shocked!
"I can't believe you mixed them up again!", she screamed.
Father skunk replied, "They're not mixed up, This is Inskunk and over there is Outskunk!."
Mother Skunk inquired, "How can you be so sure that that is Inskunk and that one is Outskunk?"
"Simple!", said Father Skunk, "Instincts!"
--------------------
(Hey, I didn't write it, I just copy/pasted it! )
--------------------
As one religious skunk said to the other -
Let us spray.
--------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff.....
..............why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn...
.........and vegetable oil is made from vegetables...
...........then what is baby oil made from...?
(Not to mention girl scout cookies.)
--------------------
Henry
There once was a family of four skunks. A Mother skunk, a Father skunk and two identical twin baby skunks named Inskunk and Outskunk.
Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell one from the other was to keep Inskunk inside all the time and Outskunk outside continually except at meal time.
When being fed, Inskunk would be inside to eat and when done Inskunk would go out and Outskunk would come in to eat. After eating Outskunk would go back outside and Inskunk would come back in.
They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion. One day Mother skunk had to go in to town and left Father skunk to look after Inskunk and Outskunk. As she was leaving she reminded Father skunk not to mix up the two as the last time it took a week to sort out which was which.
Father skunk just replied, "Don't worry dear. I can tell them apart." So off she went. When lunch time arrived Father skunk let Outskunk in to eat without letting Inskunk outside. Mother skunk just happened to come home at that time and was shocked!
"I can't believe you mixed them up again!", she screamed.
Father skunk replied, "They're not mixed up, This is Inskunk and over there is Outskunk!."
Mother Skunk inquired, "How can you be so sure that that is Inskunk and that one is Outskunk?"
"Simple!", said Father Skunk, "Instincts!"
--------------------
(Hey, I didn't write it, I just copy/pasted it!
)--------------------
As one religious skunk said to the other -
Let us spray.
--------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff.....
..............why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn...
.........and vegetable oil is made from vegetables...
...........then what is baby oil made from...?
(Not to mention girl scout cookies.)
--------------------
Henry