Recycling

[Henry J]

4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all'"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

A. All the DNA is the same. B. There are no dental records.

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Henry

[Henry J]

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm OK. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

---------------------------------------------------------

Henry

[Henry J]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away.

"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car................

------------------------------

[lswot]

[Henry J]

A kindergarten child told his teacher he found a dead cat.

"How do you know it was dead?" the teacher asked.

"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." said the little boy innocently.

"WHAT???!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"you know", explained the boy. "I leaned over and went "Psssst" and it didn't move!"

.

(Sure, but what if it had turned out to be Schroedinger cat?)

[lswot]

Was it in a box?

[Henry J]

He didn't say.

[Henry J]

Two bytes are in a bar.

One byte says "I'm not feeling very well. I may have a parity error."

The other byte says "I thought you looked a bit off!"

------------------------
There's 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

------------------------

Henry

[lswot]

He bit off more than he could chew?

[Henry J]

Nah, it wasn't even a nibble, so it couldn't be that.

[Henry J]

This one is for all of you who:

a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said.... "Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

------------------

Henry

[Henry J]

For labor day:

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Sign on door to maternity ward: "Push. Push. Push."

[lswot]

[Henry J]

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We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte

If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte

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[lswot]

------------------

We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte

If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte

------------------