Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....
How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir up trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so ....
Time to shut UP .....!
Don't screw UP . Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book
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Henry
Recycling
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Roger Stegman
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Henry
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Roger Stegman
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Henry
Bar & Drinking Jokes
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
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Henry
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
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Henry
Mid Life Crisis
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....
============================================
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish
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Henry
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....
============================================
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish
============================================
Henry
When were air conditioners first put in cars?
Here is something you car buffs may or may not know.
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
============================================
Henry
Here is something you car buffs may or may not know.
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
============================================
Henry
Work Jokes
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Charles
==================================
Henry
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Charles
==================================
Henry
Q: Why don't oysters give to charity?
A: Because they're shellfish.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
Q: What do you call an ant who skips school?
A: A truant!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!
Q: What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
A: Streaky bacon!
Q: What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
Q: A grasshopper with hiccups!
Q: Why does a flamingo always lift up one leg?
A: Because if he lifted up both legs he would fall over!
Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
A: Because there were so many knights!
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
Doctor, something is seriously wrong with me. Somedays I feel like
a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
Relax! You're just too tents.
======================================
Henry
A: Because they're shellfish.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
Q: What do you call an ant who skips school?
A: A truant!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!
Q: What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
A: Streaky bacon!
Q: What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
Q: A grasshopper with hiccups!
Q: Why does a flamingo always lift up one leg?
A: Because if he lifted up both legs he would fall over!
Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
A: Because there were so many knights!
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
Doctor, something is seriously wrong with me. Somedays I feel like
a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
Relax! You're just too tents.
======================================
Henry
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Tourists’ Questions
The staff at the VisitScotland counters deal with millions of enquiries from tourists and many are very routine. But the staff manage to spend a few moments recording some of the more bizarre and outlandish questions and publish these from time to time. The latest list includes such gems as:
· Does Scotland have any golf courses?
· Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?
· Which bus do I get from Orkney Islands to Shetland Islands?
· When does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?
· Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?
· Can I meet Crocodile Dundee in Dundee?
· What Tube/Subway line runs to Edinburgh?
· When's the changing of the guard at the White House?
The tourist who pointed to the map and asked “How do I get to one zero NA?” had staff puzzled for a moment, until they realized that she was pointing to the island of Iona...
Charles
===================================
Henry
Tourists’ Questions
The staff at the VisitScotland counters deal with millions of enquiries from tourists and many are very routine. But the staff manage to spend a few moments recording some of the more bizarre and outlandish questions and publish these from time to time. The latest list includes such gems as:
· Does Scotland have any golf courses?
· Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?
· Which bus do I get from Orkney Islands to Shetland Islands?
· When does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?
· Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?
· Can I meet Crocodile Dundee in Dundee?
· What Tube/Subway line runs to Edinburgh?
· When's the changing of the guard at the White House?
The tourist who pointed to the map and asked “How do I get to one zero NA?” had staff puzzled for a moment, until they realized that she was pointing to the island of Iona...
Charles
===================================
Henry
Animal Jokes
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven!" The animal stopped instantly.
Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
============================
Henry
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven!" The animal stopped instantly.
Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
============================
Henry
Military Jokes
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
===========================
Henry
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
===========================
Henry
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up the $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty-dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again ... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
---------- They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Mickey D's with a Buy-one-Get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said, "Buy one-Get-one free." "They're already Buy-one-Get- one-free, " she said, "So I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
.......... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?'
.......... They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
.......... They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
.......... They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she is trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
.......... They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
.......... They Walk Among Us!
I could not find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands." Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
.......... They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
.......... Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce and WORST OF ALL .......... They may VOTE!
======================================================
Henry
---------- They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Mickey D's with a Buy-one-Get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said, "Buy one-Get-one free." "They're already Buy-one-Get- one-free, " she said, "So I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
.......... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?'
.......... They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
.......... They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
.......... They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she is trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
.......... They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
.......... They Walk Among Us!
I could not find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands." Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
.......... They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
.......... Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce and WORST OF ALL .......... They may VOTE!
======================================================
Henry
Thank goodness I didn't have that trouble with MY luggage! You could have said, "yes, but I haven't arrived yet."Henry J wrote:I could not find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands." Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
.......... They Walk Among Us!
Henry
Ael
Infinite diversity in infinite combinations
Infinite diversity in infinite combinations
HenrySome of these were really funny in the late 80's... pretty cute in the 90's... now they're mostly :yawn:.
Signs You May Be Too Connected
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
3) Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he IMs you back, 'What's for dinner?'
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) You notice only when a television commercial DOESN'T have a web address on it.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it's out of date and a week after that it's selling for half price.
12) Buying flowers for your wife/girlfriend or spending money to upgrade your computer system presents a significant moral dilemma
13) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they don't have email addresses.
14) When asked 'Do you have a stamp?' you're able to unearth three 22¢ stamps from 1987.
15) Your bookmarks/Favorites take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
16) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
17) You consider overnight express delivery painfully slow.
18) Someone tells you about a great new program and you're disappointed to find it's on TV.
19) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is only vaguely familiar.
20) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
21) Tech support calls YOU for help.
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