Recycling

[Henry J]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
*****

Henry

[lswot]

Tsk...Tsk

[Henry J]

Tsk?

[Henry J]

*****
How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
*****

Henry

[Henry J]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
*****

[lswot]

[Henry J]

*****
Did ya heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"

"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

"He went with ma and pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is thar sumpin I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I knows where all the tools is, if ya wants to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "Ya'd have to talk to pa bout that", he conceded. "But if it helps ya eny, I knows pa charges $50 fer the bull and $25 fer the boar hawg but I really don know how much he gets fer Joe."
*****

[LHawke]

[lswot]

Ditto......

[Henry J]

Ditto!

[Henry J]

Today's preliminary stock market report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

.......and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
*****

Henry

[LHawke]

Bananas peeled out

Cucumbers pickled

Monkeys shined

[Henry J]

Yeah, those too!

[Henry J]

*****
INVESTOR'S DICTIONARY

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

*****

[lswot]

Would that be: Bull dozing or a Bear in the woods?